Ups and downs....

Oh Gosh, it’s been over 3 months now!  It has been quite a rollercoaster.  I have been up and down a lot of times.  Christmas is quite depressing for me for some reason.  I find it quite cold and sad here.  In Venezuela Christmas was a very special time, full of fun, music, enjoyment and happiness.  Of course, now it is not like that, but I hold the memories of when it was good, and I miss that.  I miss not having friends around me.  I am all alone here and not having a partner now for almost 3 years is making it all the more difficult.

Business is going alright, although these days I am struggling to get out there and do what I need to do.  Dreams have been messing around with my head and getting me down a lot.  I try to turn it around, but it normally lasts all day.  Setting goals is a difficult one for me, since I don’t really see me beyond today most of the time.  And even when I think of the things I could do, I don’t have anyone to share it with, and that is sad.

I have mixed feelings about loneliness.  Sometimes I see other couples and the “challenges” they face and think to myself “I don’t need to worry about that!”, and for that brief moment, I am glad I am alone.  But then all the family gets together, and everyone has a partner except me, and I feel out of place.  I think that is why I am filling my life with pets.  I now have 3 cats and a budgie, which is really funny at times and gets along pretty well with my cats.  But although I almost have a zoo in my flat, I still feel lonely.

Last night I dreamt I wanted to kill myself.  I was having a hard time and was crying a lot and took a knife, tried to stab myself with it, but it bent and it wouldn’t cut my wrists either.  It was quite frustrating so of course, I woke up this morning feeling quite drained and with a headache.  I want to get up and get going but all I want to do is sit down and cry.

Don’t get me wrong, I have more good days than bad days now, but still I wish I didn’t have the bad days.  They make me feel that I will always be like this and I don’t want to feel like a loser and a waste of space.  Hopefully it will go away soon!

Hope you are all doing well.  I have been reading your blogs and see that some of you are doing alright.  I still think of you all though, so please keep writing!