Still in limbo....

I’m still in limbo.  Not feeling much.  Not wanting much either.

I wake up in the morning and feel miserable and with no enthusiasm.  As the day goes by and I do little things there and little things here, I start planning my next day.  Next day comes, I can’t get out of bed.  All I want to do is sleep.  At the moment, I feel the most happy whilst I am asleep.  I’m still going downwards.  I feel it in my head.  I feel it in my heart.  My body doesn’t want to do anything.  Stomach acid is taking away the pleasure I have in comfort eating.  My left knee is taking away the ability to walk normally and do the essentials at home. I’m in pain, and it is more emotional than physical.

My family, although worried, they are not concerned about me.  I haven’t spoken about suicide, so they think I am not “thinking” it.  Truth to be told, is that it is a perpetual companion of my days and nights.  I don’t want to hurt them, but sometimes I feel like a little animal that has been in pain for a long time: euthanasia is best.  Best for the animal that will not suffer anymore and for the family that will not have to see the pain its loved one is going through.

I have slept today all day.  I have only been up to eat and then I go back to bed.  Read a few of the blogs I usually visit, see that people in general are having a hard time with this illness, and the thought is still there:  what is the point?

One of my friends turned back on me yesterday.  He has done his best to understand this illness, but doesn’t understand it enough.  He feels that I am letting myself down.  I am not.  Every day I read my goals and realise that although I want them, they are not driving me.  I cannot see a future beyond the next few weeks.  I don’t want anything.  I just want to die.  That is what I want.

I have a follow up appointment with my GP on Monday.  Mum is coming with me.  Wait and see.....