The mask....

Hi! I know it has been a while since I have been on the blog, or have read anyone’s for that matter.  The main reason is because I am fighting with all my strength to get out of the hole I am in at the moment.  Medication is clearly not working and I have to yet wait for an appointment with the Community Mental Health people so something can be done about it.

In the meantime, I have put my mask on so I don’t get questions and people asking if I am alright, because I feel guilty of telling them that I am not.... yet again!!!  I am unable to work, I am unable to sustain a relationship, the only person I talk to on a regular basis is my mom an Graham, but I finally decided that I will not tell him anything about my condition again.  A couple of weeks back, I broke down again, and went to the length of writing a “good bye” letter to my mom and sister, but on trying to write something to him, nothing came out.  It turns out that when I told him what had happened, he just told me off and questioned why was I being so selfish?  I mean, it’s not like I am doing it on purpose, I just don’t feel the willingness of living.  I just don’t see the point.  I have nothing to live for.  The only reason I am still here is because I know I will cause immense pain to my mom and sister, but on the other hand, I am kind of in peace with myself about the fact that I would happily take my own life.

I see other people’s life, and there is not one person who can be of an example to me.  For instance, Graham, he has a family, a wife and 2 kids, growing up, but what is it that makes him cheat on his wife, if he is not willing to leave her?  Is every couple this way?  Is every marriage this way?  Is there truly a marriage that can be loving, affectionate and yet respectful of each other?  I know I have a failed marriage myself, and I keep wondering whether I should have married in the first place. 

What I am saying is, I don’t think there is any hope for me.  Who in their sane mind would put up with someone who suffers from depression and analyses every single thing that happens in the world?  I need all the help that I can get before I think that there is no help for me at all.  If something is not done soon, I will not live long to tell the story.  It has been a tough 7-8 months and I am still trying to get the best out of “life”.  Each time I try to set goals for myself, I always think “what for?”.  I feel pain, every day, deeply in my heart, and I want that to stop.  Sometimes it becomes unbearable.  Sometimes it becomes dark.  Sometimes I just don’t want to carry on.