Do I have any future?

Almost a month!  But what a rollercoaster it has been.  I have been up and down and all over the place.  I finally got the letter and I will have an appointment with a Psychiatrist on 10^th of June.  I just can’t wait!

I just read my two last blogs and to be truthful, nothing much has changed.  I pretty much keep my feelings to myself since I don’t want mom and my sister worrying too much about me.  I go out with them and put my happy face on, and although I might have a good time, I always come back to the same old flat.  I find the most difficult time of the day for me is the mornings.  I struggle to get up and go, and lately I have been giving in into my deep feeling of unworthiness.

Last Thursday I had a great day.  I had things done, was very proud that I at least got out and had some walking done and had great plans for the next day, where I set up my alarm really early in the morning to get up and do some exercise.  I was absolutely over the world and I didn’t have one drop of alcohol!  I should have seen the signs though.  The next day, I was really, really down.  I suppose one of the things the medication is doing for me is that I am not suicidal, but the pain in my chest was still very hurtful.  I keep thinking that I need to get some goals and have something to live for, but each time I sit with pen and paper in my hand, I just can’t come up with anything.  I can’t see me living over 40, and if I keep going like this, I will not reach 38!

I sit down and think the things I have lost to this illness, and it is just too overwhelming sometimes. Yes, my marriage didn’t work from the very beginning, and I wouldn’t say I lost it because of my illness, but things became very difficult at times because of it.  I think if I hadn’t been so numb by depression, I would have done something sooner to ease things for both of us.  Now I am here, on my own, and Felix (my ex-husband) struggles himself with his life.  He has no direction, and I know it is not my fault, but I somehow feel responsible for his outcome.  That is another issue I have, but will not go into much detail about it.

One night I dreamt that all my Venezuelan friends were waiting for me and we had a great party!  I used to have parties at my flat and there would be sometimes more than 30 people!  As you can imagine, it was sometimes difficult to walk around, be we used to have so much fun.  Since I’ve been to England, I can count “friends” with the fingers of one hand, and even though, I have lost some of them due to this illness.  One special one I lost, who also turned out to be the love of my life.  When we separated over 2 years ago, it was hard, because not only I lost the love of my life, but also my best friend.  Somehow, we kept seeing each other and although the relationship is very complicated, I felt that at least I still had my friend.  When I was really down on Thursday, I decided that I would tell him how I felt, and oh boy, what a mistake.  I didn’t hear from him for the next 3 days!!!  I think what hurts the most if feel how someone falls out of love with you.  It is a horrible feeling and it never happened to me before.

Now, I feel lonelier than ever before.  I was so upset yesterday after HE got mad at me because I refused to answer his phone calls that I drank myself to sleep at 6pm.  I left my phones in the lounge so of course when my mom called, I could not hear them and she got all worried.  The first thing she did was call him to see if he had seen me.  I am tired of this “relationship”.  It feels like I am self destructing myself staying in touch with him, but don’t have the guts to ask him to leave me alone either.

When mom finally got to my flat and found me sound asleep in my bedroom, she felt relieved, but when I got up I saw her husband (who is not my dad, of course), and somehow I felt like he hated me for making my mom go through all this.  It might be this illness that is playing with my mind, but I don’t feel comfortable going to my mom’s either now.  Sometimes the day can go by, and the only ones I speak to are my cats!

I want my life back, I want to be that girl who used to enjoy life and was not afraid of anything.  I have even toyed with the idea of selling everything and go around the world and see if I can find peace for myself.  But I can’t bear the thought of leaving my cats and something happening to them. I feel trapped.  I want to go back to work, but I can’t.  I want to feel better, but I can’t.  It is becoming very hard to want to stay alive, and worst of all, not having nothing to live for.