Finding ways to get better

I am always trying to get better.  When I feel depressed, I listen to upbeat music.  When I feel bad about myself, I try to read self motivational books.  I have found that they somehow help me, although it doesn’t get me out of the whole.

I came across an audio book called “100 ways to motivate yourself” by Stephen Chandler.  Although to me, his voice is a bit dull, the ideas within are quite good.  There is one phrase though that has stuck deep inside me:

Don’t let how you feel ruin your life.

To me, that is powerful.  It means that it doesn’t matter what you are doing, how you feel, you can always continue with your life.  Of course, I am saying that now because I am actually climbing out of the whole and I am starting to feel myself again, but what about us? The ones who suffer this stupid illness and are at its mercy?  How can we not let the feeling ruin our lives?

I have tried to communicate with these “Motivational Speakers” and ask them specifically about Depression.  How they “think” it affects people’s lives and if they actually believe there is such an illness.  I will let you know my findings.

Still in limbo....

I’m still in limbo.  Not feeling much.  Not wanting much either.

I wake up in the morning and feel miserable and with no enthusiasm.  As the day goes by and I do little things there and little things here, I start planning my next day.  Next day comes, I can’t get out of bed.  All I want to do is sleep.  At the moment, I feel the most happy whilst I am asleep.  I’m still going downwards.  I feel it in my head.  I feel it in my heart.  My body doesn’t want to do anything.  Stomach acid is taking away the pleasure I have in comfort eating.  My left knee is taking away the ability to walk normally and do the essentials at home. I’m in pain, and it is more emotional than physical.

My family, although worried, they are not concerned about me.  I haven’t spoken about suicide, so they think I am not “thinking” it.  Truth to be told, is that it is a perpetual companion of my days and nights.  I don’t want to hurt them, but sometimes I feel like a little animal that has been in pain for a long time: euthanasia is best.  Best for the animal that will not suffer anymore and for the family that will not have to see the pain its loved one is going through.

I have slept today all day.  I have only been up to eat and then I go back to bed.  Read a few of the blogs I usually visit, see that people in general are having a hard time with this illness, and the thought is still there:  what is the point?

One of my friends turned back on me yesterday.  He has done his best to understand this illness, but doesn’t understand it enough.  He feels that I am letting myself down.  I am not.  Every day I read my goals and realise that although I want them, they are not driving me.  I cannot see a future beyond the next few weeks.  I don’t want anything.  I just want to die.  That is what I want.

I have a follow up appointment with my GP on Monday.  Mum is coming with me.  Wait and see.....

RELAPSE!

Well, I think it is official:  I am suffering a relapse of my depression!

Although I have not been “absolutely well”, I have been coping alright.  Going out doing what I need to do in order to earn a bit of money, etc., but last Thursday I started feeling everything going downwards.  I was going on with my day and all of the sudden I started feeling more and more anxious and with a deep feeling that I just wanted to scream and cry and although I was trying to focus on something else, I had to stop what I was doing and come home.  I cannot tell you how sad, frustrated, disappointed, angry, hopeless and worthless I have felt.  So much so, that Friday I could not stop crying all day long.  I could not say why I was crying but I was, so I desperately called my GP and made an appointment.  He confirmed it for me.  I am having a relapse.

I started reading about people who have relapses and apparently there is this 30, 60 90 rule: once you have had depression in the past, there is 30% chance that you can relapse; once you have had a relapse, there is a 60% chance that you may have another one, and if you do, there is a 90% chance that you will have it again.  In some of the case studies I read, the relapses are somehow worse than the first episode, whist a small proportion said it was not as bad.

I am not sure how many relapses I have had, but I know each time I feel more hopeless.  If this study I read is true, it means that I will never ever get rid of this illness, and in fact, it might get worse and worse.  I asked my GP to be honest with me and tell me if he has seen many people recover from this illness.  His answer was “although some people do recover, most of them don’t”.  I am reluctant to go back to the “Community Mental Health Team”, since last time I felt no support whatsoever from them, in fact, it was a waste of my time.  I called them the 1^st of September 2011 to say that I had plans in place to commit suicide and they told me a nurse would come to see me and that I would have telephone support every day.  That never happened.  When I needed them the most, they failed me, and if it hadn’t been for a conference I attended, I would be dead today.

My family is there for me, and my friends worry a lot about my mental health, and I just wonder what kind of life I am living.  I mean, it is not like I have children to live for, or anything else that keeps me in this world.  Mum keeps saying that what affects me is the loneliness, but how in hell someone is going to put up with my mood swings as they are?  I am just pleased that no one is living with me to have to go through this.

The GP has prescribed me Mirtazapine 15mg plus the Cipralex 20mg that I am already taking.  I feel numb, but very dizzy and with lots of lack of energy, but I suppose that is better than crying all day every day!  I am having weird dreams, but then I was warned by my doctor that it would be the case.

In all, I am just wondering whether this is a life worth living.  I want to go out there and do what I need to do, but my body is giving up on me.  My head is just a tangle of ideas without any concrete end and my mind is just losing its will to keep going.  I just sometimes wish I could go into a coma for a prolonged period of time, and let my body and mind solve its problems, then when I wake up, it is all sorted!  Wouldn’t that be wonderful!

Dreams

What is it with my dreams?  I have one continuous dream that really upsets me, and I really don’t understand why I have it!  I mean, it is not like anything triggers or there is any relation with any reality, I just have it all the time!  It upsets me and gets me down.

I am living with my parents, and usually there is something that sets arguments up, and normally it’s with my mom. The arguments are strong and fuelled with anger. I feel trapped because I want to move out, but I don’t have the money or resources to do so and feel really, really frustrated.  I usually wake up believing that I am trapped and it takes me some minutes to realise that I am in my own place, live on my own and don’t have the constraints that I feel in my dream.

Now, the thing is I don’t argue with my mom.  There have been issues between us but they have been resolved and I feel in peace (or so I think!).  I have told her about my dreams and we both don’t know why I have them.

If they didn’t upset me so much, I wouldn’t mind, but they always bring me down in my mood, which I am fighting hard to keep as up as I can.

Well, I thought I would tell you about it to see if you have any dreams that get this feelings for you.

Ups and downs....

Oh Gosh, it’s been over 3 months now!  It has been quite a rollercoaster.  I have been up and down a lot of times.  Christmas is quite depressing for me for some reason.  I find it quite cold and sad here.  In Venezuela Christmas was a very special time, full of fun, music, enjoyment and happiness.  Of course, now it is not like that, but I hold the memories of when it was good, and I miss that.  I miss not having friends around me.  I am all alone here and not having a partner now for almost 3 years is making it all the more difficult.

Business is going alright, although these days I am struggling to get out there and do what I need to do.  Dreams have been messing around with my head and getting me down a lot.  I try to turn it around, but it normally lasts all day.  Setting goals is a difficult one for me, since I don’t really see me beyond today most of the time.  And even when I think of the things I could do, I don’t have anyone to share it with, and that is sad.

I have mixed feelings about loneliness.  Sometimes I see other couples and the “challenges” they face and think to myself “I don’t need to worry about that!”, and for that brief moment, I am glad I am alone.  But then all the family gets together, and everyone has a partner except me, and I feel out of place.  I think that is why I am filling my life with pets.  I now have 3 cats and a budgie, which is really funny at times and gets along pretty well with my cats.  But although I almost have a zoo in my flat, I still feel lonely.

Last night I dreamt I wanted to kill myself.  I was having a hard time and was crying a lot and took a knife, tried to stab myself with it, but it bent and it wouldn’t cut my wrists either.  It was quite frustrating so of course, I woke up this morning feeling quite drained and with a headache.  I want to get up and get going but all I want to do is sit down and cry.

Don’t get me wrong, I have more good days than bad days now, but still I wish I didn’t have the bad days.  They make me feel that I will always be like this and I don’t want to feel like a loser and a waste of space.  Hopefully it will go away soon!

Hope you are all doing well.  I have been reading your blogs and see that some of you are doing alright.  I still think of you all though, so please keep writing!

Hello All!

It has been a while since I last wrote on here and lots have happened.  Let’s see, where do I start?

I was approached by the company I “worked” for and they asked for a meeting, since in their view, I am not medically capable of holding the role I was contracted for.  I must admit, I was quite stressed about the whole situation and I spent 3 days worrying about it.  It sounded to me that they already had made their decision, and no matter what I said, they would dismiss me on “medical grounds”.  The day came and as I suspected, they heard what I had to say and they went to “deliberate” about whether I would be dismissed or not.  The decision was made that I was to be dismissed on medical ground.  Surprisingly enough, I didn’t cry, I wasn’t worried, I wasn’t mortified at all.  To the contrary, I was so relaxed, as if something was lifted off my shoulders and the feeling has continued till this day.

I have my goals and motivation to qualify for Miami and my sponsors are helping me big time and although I am working perhaps more than I used to at the “company”, I am enjoying it tremendously, because it is for ME and not for anyone else that I am working for!

I really cannot describe the feeling of being free.  Who would have thought that work was the principal issue of my depression?  Since I was dismissed 2 weeks ago, I have not had 1 bad day and I have plans, targets and most importantly, motivation to continue my life!

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday and he was very pleased with me, and has now discharged me from his care.  It is amazing how having a goal and something to look forward to can change one’s perspective of life.  I still need to be on medication for at least 4 more years, since I have recurrent depression, but life looks good at the moment!

A good reed is “FEEL HAPPY NOW” by Michael Neill.  He talks about the “story teller” that we all have inside of us.  By changing that, a lot can change within you, but just telling positive stories, instead of tragic ones.

Thank you to ALL of you who have helped me across this journey.  I still read your blogs and keep you in mind!

What has happened to me? What did I do?

Right, all of you know how rough the last few weeks have been for me.  I seriously started making “plans” and was “preparing” my family and friends.  I spoke to the Community Mental Health Team and advised of my plans and they said they would call me every day to see how I was doing.  Till today, I have heard nothing from them.

Then, all of the sudden, things changed.  A year ago I started a Network Marketing business, since I believe in the concept and have seen it works.  On Saturday 3 September was the Christmas Showcase (I know! Christmas in September!!!).  I must say, it was absolutely amazing.  The positive vibe, the laughter, the dreams flowing in a place full with over 3,000 people was just amazing.  Lots of speakers within the business and the guest speaker was Darren Hardy, who I absolutely admire for all the concepts and philosophies he teaches.  This particular company also promotes as an incentive a 5 Star holiday completely paid to different destinations around the world.  When I joined last year the destination to aim for was New York, but to be honest, it was not really inspiring for me.  Next year the destination is Miami! Now that is something to work hard and look forward to. 

They are lining up various events, including staying 5 Star hotel stay at Fontainebleau Hotel, in which most of the rooms have amazing views of the coast line.  They are also taking us to the American Airline Arena, where we will be watching all the action there and then meeting some of the Miami Heat players.  We will also be going to Bongos Cuban Cafe, which is owned by Gloria Estefan.  Now this really excites me, because of all the Latin background and music, which will bring me back home, in some sense.  We will also be going to the Everglades and visiting the Gator Park and not forget the Conference and Gala Dinner, packed with everything we need to grow our business.

I think this is what has happened to me and has made me so fired up and focused.  Yesterday my car broke down whilst I was dropping some catalogues and instead of going straight down with depression, sadness and desperation, I bounced right back and thought to myself “I will not let the Devil trick me into falling down again”.  I am determined to stay where I am, enthusiastic and focused in a goal.  This will also bring me a decent income and I will not longer need to claim benefits.  It also helps that as one of the criteria for my up-lines to qualify for Miami as well, they need to help one of their team reach a certain level in the pay plan, and they have decided to help me, which is really, really exciting.  On helping me, they are helping themselves, and that is what Network Marketing is all about.

So just wanted to report that I am feeling extremely excited about my future and really looking forward to going to Miami next year, which coincidently falls really close to my birthday, so I could also take the chance and celebrate whilst I am there!

I must say though, that ALL of you have helped me tremendously in realising that I am not on my own and that things DO get better.

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU!!!