Not having a good day...

Today, is another one of those days when I think "what the hell am I doing here".  Yesterday was quite busy at work being on my own dealing with people's tragedies.  I was really stressed and a headache started late that day and I still have it now.  I know for a fact that when I have a headache I get quite down.  This morning, in my way to work, I was thinking all sorts of things.  One of them is that I am healthy and still think of death as a solution to my problems, but yet other people that have their days counted, wish so much they could live longer.  Life is not always fair, and I do sometimes wish I could pass my health to someone else.

I often feel ungrateful too.  I have a lovely house, two beautiful cats and have no worrying debts, although I am on my own and sometimes loneliness takes over.  I think of those people who don't have anything, and yet have such a thirst for life!  It makes me feel guilty for wanting to die, and it makes me feel even worse.  It is a vicious circle that is very hard to come out of.

I sometimes blame my depression on lonelyness, but then remember that even when I was married I was depressed, although not diagnosed.  I also thought that living with the person I love the most would sort me out, but it turned out he didn't understand me and things got even worse.  I have been on my own now for almost 2 years and I have learned to live with myself and I am quite content now.  I remember when he had just left me I dreaded coming back home to an empty house.  Weekends were the worst and each time the weekend was getting closer, I would have panick attacks, just thinking I was going to be on my own.  These days I enjoy my own company and even sometimes, when I have people around, I wish I was there on my own.  But even that has proven to be a problem, because as soon as I get home I would sit on the sofa and do nothing, just watching tv, which caused me to have more migraines and suffer with back pains.

I even thought about getting a dog at one point to force me to go out every day, but then again, it would have not been fair on the dog or the cats for that matter.  Instead, I took a MLM business and now I go out every night either dropping or collecting catalogues.  Since then, I have been feeling much better and the headaches have stopped, and the back pains disappeared, so definitely the fresh air has helped.  Unfortunately, depression hit me quite hard in December and stopped doing that, and I am now paying the consequences.  I am starting to get into the habit slowly again so I can get things into perspective again.