Loneliness

I have been feeling pretty much crap in the last few weeks.  Just when I thought I was starting to feel better, I start crying again.  As it happens, I have started new therapy called CBT, or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.  Basically, it gives you tools to think differently about things and change how you react to them.  It is very easy said, but doing it is something else.

One of the things I have been feeling lately is very lonely.  I have been reading lots of blogs about people who are going through the same thing I am, and I could say that probably, around 90% of them are single.  Does this mean that we are condemned to loneliness just because we have a mental health problem?

I recently met someone who, in my view, suffers from depression as well, but is one of the people who have not been “diagnosed”, and has chosen to live his life miserable most of the time.  We started talking, but after a while I realised that I need someone who can understand my illness, and he was definitely not the one.

I have thought several times that perhaps my destiny is to live my life on my own.  I don’t think anyone would want to have to live my down moments!  I spoke to my best friend this morning, and he has been very close to me for the last few years, and even he said that he wanted to smack me to snap me out of it!!!  He still does not understand that it is not a question of “snapping out of it”, but finding the best way to cope with things.

I probably think too much, and one of the thoughts I have had in the last few days, is that I am not worthy to anyone, and I should stop thinking about probably, or perhaps one day, I could make a relationship work.

I actually woke up this morning, and wished I was dead….