Giving up

I have had a very rough week.  I was very upset after what happened with my friend Jackie, and I told her so on Saturday night.  I told her that I was worried sick and that she didn’t need to stay in the streets with all the dangers out there, that there are people that love her and care for her.  I was upset, and I only thought about what I was feeling, and I forgot that she was very vulnerable, and she just fell into a very deep depression.  I can’t help but feel responsible for this and I keep thinking that I don’t want to hurt people, but I keep doing it.

Since Tuesday, when I went to see her and she was completely gone in her mind, I keep thinking about all the people I have hurt.  My mother, who married my father and stayed with him for 30 horrible years of agony because of me; my sister, who feels that I have stolen her mother’s love; Felix, who’s heart I broke and lured him out of his safety family net; Graham, who left his family because of me and hurt them.

I just feel that I don’t deserve to live, or probably I do, just to pay for all the hurt and suffering that I have caused.  I pray every day for God to take my life.  I pray for a horrible disease to kill me as quick as possible.  I pray for my heart to stop without any input by me.  I don’t want to commit suicide because it will hurt my family too much, so instead, I pray every single day for something to happen to me, so my life can end without me having to do it.

I have been on medication for over 4 months now and I still feel the pain, the inconsolable helpless feeling inside my heart.  I have nothing to be proud of.  My cats are all I have and I care about them, but I just don’t want to live anymore.  I want the pain to go away, I want to lose my mind and not remember who I am and what I have done.  I always wanted to think of myself as a good person, but the truth is, I am not.  I am a parasite and I should be eliminated.