Plodding on...

Well, I am glad to report that my headaches are now very few and far between!  I went to my GP and since I have a history of migraines, he asked me to take Pizotifen every night before bed, and that sure helped my headaches, but what did not help, was my intentions of losing weight.  In the 2 weeks prior to starting the Pizotifen, I had lost 3kgs but as soon as I started the new medication, I put the weight straight on.  It turns out that one of the most common side effects is overeating!!!  I am not sure what is worse though!

On the other hand, the depression seems to be slowly getting under control.  I still have moments of desperation, tears and thoughts, but otherwise, I spend most of my days either sleeping or eating!  I feel so numb, that at night, when I am about to go to bed, I just think that I could take an overdose and not even care about it.  In the past, when I had thought about dying, I was in tears, desperation and not thinking clearly at all, but these days, I just wish I was dead and be so calm, that it can get mistaken by something else.  I think about going back to work, but then I don’t want to because I am scared of what they might think, and worry if I have another breakdown.

At the moment, I am enjoying Sparky’s young age.  He is so full of energy, runs up and down, plays all day, even my other two cats sometimes feel that he is too much to handle!  But I love the fact that I am here at that critical age and he has really come to love me.  We cuddle up on the sofa and when it is time for bed, he comes and cuddles as well.

I am working on setting myself some goals.  I think my lack of enthusiasm, energy and complete lethargy is because I have nothing to aim for.  I could happily die tomorrow and not say that “I wish I had done this, or I wish I saw that...”  It seems that my dreams had been sucked away by some kind of monster that doesn’t want me to have nothing more than I already have.  I can’t really complain, which is sometimes the issue, but on the other hand, I need to have something to look forward to.

My fear sometimes consumes me, and I don’t allow myself to think nothing because I want to avoid being disappointed.  I need to move on, I need to find that “something” that is going to make me take risks, do the unimaginable, run a mile, be healthy and feel fit to take on life!

Until then, I will just keep on plodding.....