It has been a tough couple of weeks. Finding out that my sick pay from the company I work for is stopping, not knowing what is going to happen with me financially, it has been an anxiety rollercoaster for me these last days.
But the good thing, is that it has given me some kind of clarity as of what I need to do next. Four years ago, after my “almost successful” suicide attempt, I made plans to end my life in a way that, in my view, would be kind of a less painful way for my family and loved ones. I was going to counselling at the time and they were extremely concerned about me. I changed my mind in the last minute and tried to start thinking positively about my future, reading inspiring books, listening to successful people who accomplished their dreams and even tried to set goals for myself. It all worked out to be absolute trash when I hit rock bottom in October last year, and consequently it led me to be off work from March this year and not been able to go back.
Where I come from, this is a very sad place to be, and it is condemned by society. People with mental illness is nonexistent, part of a different set of people.... LOSERS! I grew up around the people who condemned and criticised these people and now I have become one of the losers myself, making me part of this non wanted kind of human beings that unfortunately exist.
I understand that I am no longer in Venezuela, in the latin environment, but I grew up with this kind of view, and in my mind, this is completely unacceptable. I CANNOT be a burden for my family and my loved ones, and I have put together a plan to make everything easier for everyone.
The other day, I was sat in the balcony of my flat just contemplating the trees, the road, the flowers. One thing I love is spring. It is a sign of a new beginning, everything blossoming and showing a new life. Suddenly I thought “I will not see a spring again” and tears came to my eyes, but this is the best thing for everyone.
One of my objectives is to speak to each and every one of my loved ones and explain that they are not the cause of my current situation. A set of wrong, seemingly insignificant decisions I took in the course of my life led me to suffer this cruel and unforgiving illness. I have tried everything: counselling; CBT; drugs; positive thinking; inspirational audios, but nothing seems to change the way I feel inside me. Some people write, and even ascertain that we have the power to change our circumstances, but what about people like us, people with mental illness that are unable to control their circumstances. God knows that I have an intense desire to change the way I feel, but have tried unsuccessfully for the last year and now I am just giving up.
I have now started to sort things out and sell all the things that are sellable in my house. I want to look for a good home for my cats, Tigre and Mota. I know they are old now and it is hard for them to get along with any other cats, and my mom’s husband would not like them with them, so I will place an ad to start looking for someone to look after them for the rest of their lives. I know Sparky will have no problem, since he gets along pretty well with Ruby, my mom’s cat and they will not mind having him.
Don't do this Linda. Believe me I know how you feel, but it will not always be this way it can and will get better. You have to keep trying. It isn't wrong decisions that led you here it is an illness. You absolutely did not bring it on yourself. Please, please do not give up.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't going to make it 'easy' on anyone.
ReplyDeleteHurting them won't help.
Helping YOU will.
Hey Linda, nice to meet you. We have a few things in common... we both haven't been on blogger writing for that long, we are both 37, with both became ill with depression, we both spent a significant amount of time away from work because of it, we both got to a point where the money stopped comming in and we've both tried a whole heap of stuff to try and get better. So when I say you are not alone, that's what I mean. I get the frustration, the relapses, the hope, the guilt. For us, things are not so straight forward. There is no single magic thing I can say to you now, just consider that in some ways we are similar, and I got better. I am getting better. I'll always be getting better. So there is reason to hope, there is reason to believe, there is more to do and more to try. I guess for me there was no single turning point... just many, many realisations... many lessons learnt after each episode of major depression. I understand 'me' better now, and i have a better understanding of the world i live in, what it is to be a human being, about human psychology, about the development and evolution of the human brain... all of which has helped me to understand my flaws, understand the difficulties of living in our modern world and show myself some kindness and compassion. Have courage Linda, and come over to read what I've learnt at my blog if you like, you'd be welcome. All the best. Med
ReplyDeleteI do not know you but like Med, I suffer from depression as well. I used to think that no one would care if I was gone. No one would notice. I was wrong. You are important. Please do not stop fighting.
ReplyDeleteHi Linda,
ReplyDeleteI have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember, but I am here to tell you that things do change and they do get better. I attempted suicide a few times and was very close to dying, and would have died if someone had not found me. I say that with the hope that you will see that I understand deep serious depression.
None of the things that you have tried worked for me either. At my worst suicidal point, I became extremely scared because I felt it was "time". I scared myself so much that I actually went to the doctor and he gave me Zoloft. That is when my life began to turn around. I only took the Zoloft for about six months. I don't believe in God so God didn't help me. I ended up helping myself and the climb out of that abyss was long and hard with steps forward and some back.
You say your family does not accept people with mental illness. Can you imagine how badly they will feel if you should kill yourself? They will feel it was their fault. Do you REALLY want them to feel guilty and sad? Even if you tell them they are not the cause, they will feel it regardless. Suicide is an easy out. It hurts those you leave behind so badly and all I can say is if you care about them at all you will see how your thinking is skewed, and stick around to find answers. Trust me, you have not tried everything!!!
I had no support to help me get better, but I had my fear; the fear that I could have actually succeeded and knowing how that would destroy my family. Plus, I don't think any of us really honestly want to die. We need to know others care. I care. You can write me any time you like. My email is lkharr2000@gmail.com. I will listen. And, I can share my personal experience with you. The option is always there. Why not put it on hold?
The bottom line is there are a heck of a lot of people who care, believe it or not. Reach out sweetie. Just reach out!
Please don't do this!
ReplyDeleteI know I don't know you- but you CAN fight through this and you CAN overcome this. I believe in you!
Know that I suffered with severe depression but I have come out of it. It just takes time and patience. I know how hard it is, but please, keep fighting!
I am praying for you, right this minute. God loves you!
Never give up!!! Fight, it can get better. I had to get rid of the psychiatrist, he was prescribing me crap. Anyhow, I have been through some very severe depression, couldnt move or do anything except cry...My husband read the bible to every night for months..(I didnt read it prior to that). It can get better. There are people who understand and care. HUGS!!!!!!!! Kim
ReplyDeletePlease don't do this, Linda! No method of ending your life would make it 'easier' on those who love you, and your life is worth so much. I believe in you that you can find the strength to fight this and get the help you need to overcome feeling this way. I am praying for you! x x
ReplyDeleteHi Linda.
ReplyDeleteI'm 10 years older than you, and i only have one cat, she's 12. She keeps me alive, if I die, no one would want her and she would be put down.
I've also attempted several times, and that just makes everything worse- the toll on your body, and the hospitalizations destroy your soul.
It does get better, you know it does lift. It doesn't seem like it does, but it does. I can tell you are a very strong person, and I also know that cats only pick the coolest people to love.
I find blogging to be very helpful to get through the bad times and sustains me in the good times. Hang in there. You are worth more than you think, and by writing as you do, you are helping many many people.