Dreams

What is it with my dreams?  I have one continuous dream that really upsets me, and I really don’t understand why I have it!  I mean, it is not like anything triggers or there is any relation with any reality, I just have it all the time!  It upsets me and gets me down.

I am living with my parents, and usually there is something that sets arguments up, and normally it’s with my mom. The arguments are strong and fuelled with anger. I feel trapped because I want to move out, but I don’t have the money or resources to do so and feel really, really frustrated.  I usually wake up believing that I am trapped and it takes me some minutes to realise that I am in my own place, live on my own and don’t have the constraints that I feel in my dream.

Now, the thing is I don’t argue with my mom.  There have been issues between us but they have been resolved and I feel in peace (or so I think!).  I have told her about my dreams and we both don’t know why I have them.

If they didn’t upset me so much, I wouldn’t mind, but they always bring me down in my mood, which I am fighting hard to keep as up as I can.

Well, I thought I would tell you about it to see if you have any dreams that get this feelings for you.

Ups and downs....

Oh Gosh, it’s been over 3 months now!  It has been quite a rollercoaster.  I have been up and down a lot of times.  Christmas is quite depressing for me for some reason.  I find it quite cold and sad here.  In Venezuela Christmas was a very special time, full of fun, music, enjoyment and happiness.  Of course, now it is not like that, but I hold the memories of when it was good, and I miss that.  I miss not having friends around me.  I am all alone here and not having a partner now for almost 3 years is making it all the more difficult.

Business is going alright, although these days I am struggling to get out there and do what I need to do.  Dreams have been messing around with my head and getting me down a lot.  I try to turn it around, but it normally lasts all day.  Setting goals is a difficult one for me, since I don’t really see me beyond today most of the time.  And even when I think of the things I could do, I don’t have anyone to share it with, and that is sad.

I have mixed feelings about loneliness.  Sometimes I see other couples and the “challenges” they face and think to myself “I don’t need to worry about that!”, and for that brief moment, I am glad I am alone.  But then all the family gets together, and everyone has a partner except me, and I feel out of place.  I think that is why I am filling my life with pets.  I now have 3 cats and a budgie, which is really funny at times and gets along pretty well with my cats.  But although I almost have a zoo in my flat, I still feel lonely.

Last night I dreamt I wanted to kill myself.  I was having a hard time and was crying a lot and took a knife, tried to stab myself with it, but it bent and it wouldn’t cut my wrists either.  It was quite frustrating so of course, I woke up this morning feeling quite drained and with a headache.  I want to get up and get going but all I want to do is sit down and cry.

Don’t get me wrong, I have more good days than bad days now, but still I wish I didn’t have the bad days.  They make me feel that I will always be like this and I don’t want to feel like a loser and a waste of space.  Hopefully it will go away soon!

Hope you are all doing well.  I have been reading your blogs and see that some of you are doing alright.  I still think of you all though, so please keep writing!

Hello All!

It has been a while since I last wrote on here and lots have happened.  Let’s see, where do I start?

I was approached by the company I “worked” for and they asked for a meeting, since in their view, I am not medically capable of holding the role I was contracted for.  I must admit, I was quite stressed about the whole situation and I spent 3 days worrying about it.  It sounded to me that they already had made their decision, and no matter what I said, they would dismiss me on “medical grounds”.  The day came and as I suspected, they heard what I had to say and they went to “deliberate” about whether I would be dismissed or not.  The decision was made that I was to be dismissed on medical ground.  Surprisingly enough, I didn’t cry, I wasn’t worried, I wasn’t mortified at all.  To the contrary, I was so relaxed, as if something was lifted off my shoulders and the feeling has continued till this day.

I have my goals and motivation to qualify for Miami and my sponsors are helping me big time and although I am working perhaps more than I used to at the “company”, I am enjoying it tremendously, because it is for ME and not for anyone else that I am working for!

I really cannot describe the feeling of being free.  Who would have thought that work was the principal issue of my depression?  Since I was dismissed 2 weeks ago, I have not had 1 bad day and I have plans, targets and most importantly, motivation to continue my life!

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday and he was very pleased with me, and has now discharged me from his care.  It is amazing how having a goal and something to look forward to can change one’s perspective of life.  I still need to be on medication for at least 4 more years, since I have recurrent depression, but life looks good at the moment!

A good reed is “FEEL HAPPY NOW” by Michael Neill.  He talks about the “story teller” that we all have inside of us.  By changing that, a lot can change within you, but just telling positive stories, instead of tragic ones.

Thank you to ALL of you who have helped me across this journey.  I still read your blogs and keep you in mind!

What has happened to me? What did I do?

Right, all of you know how rough the last few weeks have been for me.  I seriously started making “plans” and was “preparing” my family and friends.  I spoke to the Community Mental Health Team and advised of my plans and they said they would call me every day to see how I was doing.  Till today, I have heard nothing from them.

Then, all of the sudden, things changed.  A year ago I started a Network Marketing business, since I believe in the concept and have seen it works.  On Saturday 3 September was the Christmas Showcase (I know! Christmas in September!!!).  I must say, it was absolutely amazing.  The positive vibe, the laughter, the dreams flowing in a place full with over 3,000 people was just amazing.  Lots of speakers within the business and the guest speaker was Darren Hardy, who I absolutely admire for all the concepts and philosophies he teaches.  This particular company also promotes as an incentive a 5 Star holiday completely paid to different destinations around the world.  When I joined last year the destination to aim for was New York, but to be honest, it was not really inspiring for me.  Next year the destination is Miami! Now that is something to work hard and look forward to. 

They are lining up various events, including staying 5 Star hotel stay at Fontainebleau Hotel, in which most of the rooms have amazing views of the coast line.  They are also taking us to the American Airline Arena, where we will be watching all the action there and then meeting some of the Miami Heat players.  We will also be going to Bongos Cuban Cafe, which is owned by Gloria Estefan.  Now this really excites me, because of all the Latin background and music, which will bring me back home, in some sense.  We will also be going to the Everglades and visiting the Gator Park and not forget the Conference and Gala Dinner, packed with everything we need to grow our business.

I think this is what has happened to me and has made me so fired up and focused.  Yesterday my car broke down whilst I was dropping some catalogues and instead of going straight down with depression, sadness and desperation, I bounced right back and thought to myself “I will not let the Devil trick me into falling down again”.  I am determined to stay where I am, enthusiastic and focused in a goal.  This will also bring me a decent income and I will not longer need to claim benefits.  It also helps that as one of the criteria for my up-lines to qualify for Miami as well, they need to help one of their team reach a certain level in the pay plan, and they have decided to help me, which is really, really exciting.  On helping me, they are helping themselves, and that is what Network Marketing is all about.

So just wanted to report that I am feeling extremely excited about my future and really looking forward to going to Miami next year, which coincidently falls really close to my birthday, so I could also take the chance and celebrate whilst I am there!

I must say though, that ALL of you have helped me tremendously in realising that I am not on my own and that things DO get better.

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU!!!

Why is sadness so loud!

There it is again.  That feeling of sadness and that nothing I do is going to get rid of it.  The last week I have been trying to get closer to my family by inviting them for dinner on Wednesday night and then for a BBQ last Monday, since it was bank holiday here in England.  Both times, after they left, I felt extremely sad and the day after even more so.  I would just like to know what it all means!

And it is not like I go to bed sad, or with negative thoughts.  Like last night, I was thinking of all the “productive” things I was going to get done today.  I woke up and all I want to do is keep on sleeping, but I have not been sleeping alright.  For the last couple of weeks my sleep has been so bad, that I just fear going to bed at night.  It is driving me insane.

I just wish there was a more speedy way to get out of this state.  I am scared, anxious, preoccupied, and nervous about having to claim benefits.  I have never needed anyone to help me out financially before.  Since I was 17 I have worked my way through and never needed anyone.  Now, that I am 37 I find myself on the bridge of desperation because of this horrible illness.  It is moments like these that I just wish I was dead.

How much longer? :’(

Overwhelmed!

I am actually very overwhelmed by the amount of comments I received in my last post.  I can honestly tell you that I was convinced no one was even interested in what I had to say.  For several days I waited, and waited and no one said anything and that gave me a clue that perhaps it was true what I was thinking.

Thank you to everyone who responded.  The time for my “plan” to end it all is not here yet, so I still have some time to keep thinking about things.  I had a conversation with my mother and explained what I had posted.  She understood but she still feels that if I actually commit suicide, they will still feel guilty since they did not do enough for me.  I explained that they have, but it is just me, my brain, the way I was raised, the country I was raised in.

I am starting the painful process of claiming benefits, for which I may add, I feel very bad about.  I should be able to provide for myself, and this alone is a very strong metal thing I am currently fighting.

Thank you guys.  I will keep you posted on what is happening with me!

I now know what to do!

It has been a tough couple of weeks.  Finding out that my sick pay from the company I work for is stopping, not knowing what is going to happen with me financially, it has been an anxiety rollercoaster for me these last days.

But the good thing, is that it has given me some kind of clarity as of what I need to do next.  Four years ago, after my “almost successful” suicide attempt, I made plans to end my life in a way that, in my view, would be kind of a less painful way for my family and loved ones.  I was going to counselling at the time and they were extremely concerned about me.  I changed my mind in the last minute and tried to start thinking positively about my future, reading inspiring books, listening to successful people who accomplished their dreams and even tried to set goals for myself.  It all worked out to be absolute trash when I hit rock bottom in October last year, and consequently it led me to be off work from March this year and not been able to go back.

Where I come from, this is a very sad place to be, and it is condemned by society.  People with mental illness is nonexistent, part of a different set of people.... LOSERS!  I grew up around the people who condemned and criticised these people and now I have become one of the losers myself, making me part of this non wanted kind of human beings that unfortunately exist.

I understand that I am no longer in Venezuela, in the latin environment, but I grew up with this kind of view, and in my mind, this is completely unacceptable.  I CANNOT be a burden for my family and my loved ones, and I have put together a plan to make everything easier for everyone.

The other day, I was sat in the balcony of my flat just contemplating the trees, the road, the flowers.  One thing I love is spring.  It is a sign of a new beginning, everything blossoming and showing a new life.  Suddenly I thought “I will not see a spring again” and tears came to my eyes, but this is the best thing for everyone.

One of my objectives is to speak to each and every one of my loved ones and explain that they are not the cause of my current situation.  A set of wrong, seemingly insignificant decisions I took in the course of my life led me to suffer this cruel and unforgiving illness.  I have tried everything: counselling; CBT; drugs; positive thinking; inspirational audios, but nothing seems to change the way I feel inside me.  Some people write, and even ascertain that we have the power to change our circumstances, but what about people like us, people with mental illness that are unable to control their circumstances.  God knows that I have an intense desire to change the way I feel, but have tried unsuccessfully for the last year and now I am just giving up.

I have now started to sort things out and sell all the things that are sellable in my house.  I want to look for a good home for my cats, Tigre and Mota.  I know they are old now and it is hard for them to get along with any other cats, and my mom’s husband would not like them with them, so I will place an ad to start looking for someone to look after them for the rest of their lives.  I know Sparky will have no problem, since he gets along pretty well with Ruby, my mom’s cat and they will not mind having him.

I think there is nothing else that I can do.  I have tried it all, and even if I feel a little bit better, I will be always faced with the fact that sooner or later I will have a relapse, and I don’t want anybody to go through that.  I have done my best, and I am happy with that.