How much longer?

I’ve been thinking, and life sucks!  I’ve had a few weeks really crap, but even before that I have been having trouble getting energy to do anything.  I get up in the morning, try and get ready and as the day goes by, my energy levels go down, and down, to the point where I need to sleep, sometimes all afternoon.  And when 10:00pm arrives, again I am exhausted and my eyes close on their own, and when I think back as to what I have done all day, the answer is only one: NOTHING!

I don’t know where this lack of energy is coming from, I don’t know why I don’t feel like doing anything.  I went to my doctor and he feels that it is linked to my mood and he decided that Cipralex is not working for me anymore, so he has asked me to reduce the dose from 20mg down to 10mg and take Venlafaxine 75mg.  I still wish I was dead.  I don’t think it matters how many times they change my medication, the truth is I have wanted to be dead since I was a teenager.  Always have and I think I always will.  Sometimes more than others, but the fact remains the same.

The truth is I am petrified.  I don’t feel confident enough to go back to work, but I can’t keep going the way I am.  Very soon I am not going to be able to pay the bills and the least I want is to be a burden for my family.  I have shared this with my mom, but she insist that I am not a burden for her, that she will always be there for me, but the truth is that it should be me looking after her, not the other way around!

My head if full of ideas and thoughts, but unfortunately none of them are constructive.  It doesn’t matter how many “positive” books I read, how many “inspirational” CD’s I listen to, at the end of the day, I still feel the same.  I don’t want to, but I do.

Giving up

I have had a very rough week.  I was very upset after what happened with my friend Jackie, and I told her so on Saturday night.  I told her that I was worried sick and that she didn’t need to stay in the streets with all the dangers out there, that there are people that love her and care for her.  I was upset, and I only thought about what I was feeling, and I forgot that she was very vulnerable, and she just fell into a very deep depression.  I can’t help but feel responsible for this and I keep thinking that I don’t want to hurt people, but I keep doing it.

Since Tuesday, when I went to see her and she was completely gone in her mind, I keep thinking about all the people I have hurt.  My mother, who married my father and stayed with him for 30 horrible years of agony because of me; my sister, who feels that I have stolen her mother’s love; Felix, who’s heart I broke and lured him out of his safety family net; Graham, who left his family because of me and hurt them.

I just feel that I don’t deserve to live, or probably I do, just to pay for all the hurt and suffering that I have caused.  I pray every day for God to take my life.  I pray for a horrible disease to kill me as quick as possible.  I pray for my heart to stop without any input by me.  I don’t want to commit suicide because it will hurt my family too much, so instead, I pray every single day for something to happen to me, so my life can end without me having to do it.

I have been on medication for over 4 months now and I still feel the pain, the inconsolable helpless feeling inside my heart.  I have nothing to be proud of.  My cats are all I have and I care about them, but I just don’t want to live anymore.  I want the pain to go away, I want to lose my mind and not remember who I am and what I have done.  I always wanted to think of myself as a good person, but the truth is, I am not.  I am a parasite and I should be eliminated.  

Angry, sad and depressed.....

Today, this is the way I feel.  I have a friend, Jackie, who also has mental illness.  A few years ago she jumped a bridge, and she survived.  She broke a few bones, was in hospital for a while, but survived.  I would say that she is that kind of person that comes from a background that helped to get her illness worse.  She was married to a soldier who used to hit her quite a lot.  Once, being pregnant he hit her right in her stomach!  After several years of mistreating, she finally decided to leave him, but because of her mental illness history, he won the kids custody.

Since then, she met Richard, whom she married in August last year.  He was born with cerebral palsy, so he is disabled himself.  All in all, they make a good couple, but sometimes I get the impression that Jackie is more a servant than a wife to Richard.  She called me Thursday night, at about 9pm very upset that she had had an argument with Richard.  It seems that he was not in a very good mood and started taking it on Jackie.  She was cooking and he asked her why she didn’t cook the potatoes like his mom’s.  Then he will not let her use the washing machine, vacuum, but he expects everything to be clean.

I asked her where she was, several times, but she refused to tell me.  She didn’t want Richard knowing where she was.  I explained that I would not tell him and she could stay the night with me.  She refused.  She hangs up saying that her daughter was calling her.  Then she called me again at 10:20pm, still upset saying that she can’t cope with the situation anymore.  I suggest that she needs some sleep and it would be a good idea to go back home and make a decision in the morning.  She said she was not going back and that she was going to sleep in the street!  I again enquired as to her whereabouts but again, she refused saying that she would be alright.  The last thing she said was that she didn’t want to “be here” anymore.  I know what that means with people like us!

I received a call at 4am from the police asking if I knew where she was.  I had been trying to call her several times, but all the time the phone was switched off.  They thanked me for my help and that is all I knew until the next morning. I tried phoning Richard, I tried home and her mobile but there was no answer from anyone.  I decided to call the police and it turns out that she was found, but was not home since she was waiting to be seen by a “health professional”.  What did that mean?  Was she hurt? Had she tried suicide?  Was she in hospital?  I didn’t have more information and I grew quite upset wondering if there was anything more that I could have done!

At about 9am Richard called me to say that the police had called him at 5am to advise him that they had found her and she was at the police station.  They would not release her on her own and he needed to go and pick her up.  He told him that he was going to work shortly, and he could not do it!

Is it me, or is that wrong? Why did Richard put his work before his wife?  Why did Jackie call me if she really didn’t want my help?

I am quite upset with them both, I am sad to think a husband doesn’t care about his wife and reminded me of my own life a few years back, when Graham put his job before anything else.  I can’t help but wonder whether being on my own is the best thing that can happen to someone like me!

I haven’t spoken to Richard or Jackie yet, I am still quite angry and upset with them, so I will wait until my “compassionate” side is back.

Plodding on...

Well, I am glad to report that my headaches are now very few and far between!  I went to my GP and since I have a history of migraines, he asked me to take Pizotifen every night before bed, and that sure helped my headaches, but what did not help, was my intentions of losing weight.  In the 2 weeks prior to starting the Pizotifen, I had lost 3kgs but as soon as I started the new medication, I put the weight straight on.  It turns out that one of the most common side effects is overeating!!!  I am not sure what is worse though!

On the other hand, the depression seems to be slowly getting under control.  I still have moments of desperation, tears and thoughts, but otherwise, I spend most of my days either sleeping or eating!  I feel so numb, that at night, when I am about to go to bed, I just think that I could take an overdose and not even care about it.  In the past, when I had thought about dying, I was in tears, desperation and not thinking clearly at all, but these days, I just wish I was dead and be so calm, that it can get mistaken by something else.  I think about going back to work, but then I don’t want to because I am scared of what they might think, and worry if I have another breakdown.

At the moment, I am enjoying Sparky’s young age.  He is so full of energy, runs up and down, plays all day, even my other two cats sometimes feel that he is too much to handle!  But I love the fact that I am here at that critical age and he has really come to love me.  We cuddle up on the sofa and when it is time for bed, he comes and cuddles as well.

I am working on setting myself some goals.  I think my lack of enthusiasm, energy and complete lethargy is because I have nothing to aim for.  I could happily die tomorrow and not say that “I wish I had done this, or I wish I saw that...”  It seems that my dreams had been sucked away by some kind of monster that doesn’t want me to have nothing more than I already have.  I can’t really complain, which is sometimes the issue, but on the other hand, I need to have something to look forward to.

My fear sometimes consumes me, and I don’t allow myself to think nothing because I want to avoid being disappointed.  I need to move on, I need to find that “something” that is going to make me take risks, do the unimaginable, run a mile, be healthy and feel fit to take on life!

Until then, I will just keep on plodding.....

Having a little baby at home!

I forgot all about what it is to have a little baby cat!  I got Sparky on Monday after a very rushed decision, although I am certain it is my survival instincts making me have an excuse to live longer that I really want to.  It’s like the will.  I didn’t sign it for months just to have an excuse not to kill myself “yet”.

On the other hand, I still have a headache.  On Sunday, it will be 3 weeks since I’ve had it, and I am tired of it.  I thought it might have been one of the side effects for Cipralex, but after this time it should have gone away by now.  I will be calling the CMHT to verify whether Cipralex is causing this or not.

Tomorrow my aunt will be having her engagement party.  I am very happy for her since she had a very hard time trying to reach this point in her life, but on the other hand, I must admit I feel quite depressed, since I am still alone, and no one is even close to be a “potential” partner.  I have tried to brainwash myself saying that I am better on my own, since my first marriage was a disaster and my attempt to live with Graham was a complete nightmare, and now that I have the “peace” of mind, I can’t help but feel that I would love to have some kind of companion close to me.

I think this is why I got Sparky.  The spirit of a kitten, playful, running from one end of the flat to the other, cuddling with me at night and seeking as much attention as he can, is proving to be refreshing for me.  He puts a smile in my face and makes me feel good.  I can’t believe this life is my responsibility, and I want to give him everything so he is happy here.  I must say, Tigre and Mota are not the happiest, but they have accepted him, and that is enough for me.  About a year ago, I failed trying to integrate another cat in the house, although she was an old female as well, and to top things up, she was deaf!  I tried to follow every rule and advise about how to integrate a kitten to older cats, and so far, it has worked wonderfully!

It is still hard for me to go out, and all I want to do is stay home in bed, hoping for this headache to go away.  I am feeling very drained, both physically and emotionally of carrying this constant pain day and night.  Not being able to do anything, because as soon as I bend over and get up again, my head is pounding, life if my heart was in there!

Let’s see what the CMHT say....

Migraines!

Day 3 of diet and I have still stuck to it! But day 11 with a migraine.  Since I was very young I suffered with migraines and it has caused severe disruption in my day to day life.  About 3 years ago the company I work for said they could not put up with it anymore and that I had to do something about it.  What could I do?  I do not decide to have a migraine!!!  I went to my GP and explained the extent of the problems this was causing me so we started a series of strategies.  I started taking Beta Blockers and it seemed to improve a little bit, but it didn’t help with my depression, in fact, it was making me worse.

So the GP took me off the Beta Blockers and changed the pill for me, meaning that I should not have a period at all.  This was kind of good news for me because my migraines were worse when I had my period and seemed to be triggered by that.  I started taking this new pill and although I still had very little period in the beginning, eventually it went away completely and my migraines were very much gone as well!  I was very happy and relieved, although to get to this it took me about a year and a half of trying.  Now and then I can get headaches, but nothing compared to what I used to. 

This time is different.  I have had this migraine for 11 days now, and it is very exhausting.  I cannot even ascertain if my depression is improving because the migraine is taking all the energy out of me.  I wonder sometimes if this migraine is because I increased the Cipralex to 20mg?  I saw my doctor a couple of days ago and she said it was very difficult to say, since it could be several things:  withdrawal from alcohol, period related (I had some spots of blood, which could be my period), or sinusitis.  I don’t think it is alcohol withdrawal since I only stopped drinking last Friday, and I have had this migraines since the Sunday before that.  It could be period related and it could be sinusitis.  I have started using the sinusitis spray to see if it improves.

Last night it was really bad, and I could not sleep because of the migraines.  I joke to my mom and say if I was a horse, they would have shot me by now!  Sometimes I wish I was a horse......

I want that part of me back

It was the 21^st October of 1990 when I started working.  I was only 17, although I would be 18 the next month.  I had this dream of being a high management person within a big and important company.  Never thought about marrying, or having children, or getting old for that matter.  I suppose when we are young, we don’t think about getting old.  But I tell you, what I never thought was that I would suffer from depression.

My father was an alcoholic since I could remember.  I remember being a child waking up in the middle of the night him shouting at my mom and calling her names, only because he was drunk and had hidden some money away and couldn’t remember where he put it.  One day he got home from work and he had found a pistol in one of the fridges he was fixing (so he claims).  That is when things got a bit worse, since he thought he was God only because he had a gun.  Sometimes, if he got home drunk and pissed off, he would get the gun and go out.  We didn’t know where he went, what he did, or if he would come back.  He did, every time.

Since then, mom and I were afraid each time his car got near the house.  We didn’t know whether he would be drunk or not, but only just in case, we would be in our best behaviour.  I hated growing up like that, so I got stronger and stronger with the years, only by resenting.

Once, I remember mom and dad were arguing and he got the gun out and pointed it to my mom.  I honestly thought that that was it, that everything was going to end that day.  He didn’t pull the trigger, but I grew up resenting him for doing that.  On another occasion they were both arguing again and he said that he never loved me, or wanted me.  I can never forget that day for some reason.  I was only about 6, but those words hit me so hard in my heart.  I grew up resenting him because of that.

I was 18 already when one night I got home just about 8pm and he went mental.  He called me every name under the sun and threw a punch at my face.  I was so furious, I just got up and looked at him in the eye and said either he gets tired of punching me, or I would drop dead, it was his choice.  Of course he punched me again and to my surprise, mom didn’t do anything.

On another occasion I fell down some stairs and hurt my ankle and could not walk, and only had money either for the taxi or the medication I needed, so called home to see if dad was in.  Mom asked him and he said he didn’t feel like going out.  I was furious again and I bought my medication and took the bus back home, having to walk a few miles from the bus stop home.  When I got home I confronted him and said if he was not a dad to help me out when I needed him, he could not be a dad to punch me again.  From that day, I grew rebel to his behaviour and took control of home.  I was so strong, determined, fearless, nothing could stop me then, only until hallucinations took over his mind.  I completely broke down since there was no logic way of me taking back control of things.

I wish I was that strong again.  I wish I had that determination.  Was it anger and resentment that made it come into me in the first place?  Who knows, but those few years that I experienced being on top of the world, were like no other, and I miss them.

With this story of my life I just want to point out that I don’t mean to belittle anyone’s courage for living their lives with depression, and I am sorry if I offended any of you.  What I mean is that at one point in my life I did experience that strong and determined person, and it is very hard for me to accept that I have this illness and that I will have it for the rest of my life.