This might be my last blog. I have found that living with this illness is not a good thing for me. It is more the time that I am sad and struggling than what I am alright. I am tired. I can’t keep doing this. I have asked God to take me so many times, but he seems not to listen to me anymore. If they had let me die 3 years ago, everybody would have been over my death by now and would be living their lives as if nothing had happened. My family still suffers with my depression and they don’t know how to help me, making it so distressing for them.
I am tired, very tired. I am looking for a lawyer to help me do a Power of Attorney. I will leave my mother in charge of all my financial affairs. The thing I fear the most is that I will leave them with debts, so if I do that, then she will have the power to sell my flat and pay for any other debts I may have, which thank goodness are not much.
As to everybody else out there.... I am sorry I could not keep up and live. I just don’t find this to be a reasonable way of living. It has been far too long since I’ve been struggling and I can’t keep doing it any more. Please, don’t follow my steps, and continue in your efforts to survive. I know I did, but I lost the battle.
I am so sorry for your pain and suffering.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard for me to tell you anything without sounding hypoctical and annoying to myself because I have been at the brink of suicide, and hated the "advice and encouragement" I got from others who really did not get it.
I will just say this. Death is final. I do not know if you believe in any sort of afterlife or what may happen there, but a person's chance to do at all, be it good or bad, ends at death.
You may be somewhat burdensome to some people, you may be thinking that more than it is true, but either way- you do bring good to the world. Just by your living- your keeping at a difficult life- you are influencing the world and making it a better place.
Please think about that or disregard it, but please THINK. Of anything that you might miss out on or that the world might miss out on if you were to end your life.
Many people want to or try to die and go on to be so so grateful that they were unsuccessful.
I hope you choose life. For youself. You deserve it.
Linda...this is Knittin' Girl...now Lost Girl. (For my own personal reasons, I have had to abandon my Sweet Knittins blog and am starting a new one at http://bpdonamission.blogspot.com/. Please follow me there...same to you, Kindred Spirit.) And Linda, please give it some time. Just like Kindred Spirit, I'm sure there is nothing I can say right now that will make you think anything other than "easy for you to say...I tried, I failed, and I can't go on anymore". But please think...not all days are like this, right? I am having an impossibly hard time myself, and need your support too...don't give up. You have the strength to pull through, even if you don't believe it. And one day, you will be so happy you did...
ReplyDeleteHi. I've been thinking a lot about you.
ReplyDeletePlease let me know if you are okay.
Keep strong.
Linda,
ReplyDeleteThe first part of this will sound harsh. Please read the rest. I am new to your blog, and it looks like your blog is relatively new. I am going to venture a guess and say that most people reading this blog do not know your real identity or how to contact you. So by telling the world, anonymously, that you are going to kill yourself, you are doing something that I find ethically reprehensible. I have seen numerous people proclaim on the internet that they are going to kil themselves and I think it is one of the worst misguided things someone can do online. I do not know our last name, or where you live, your phone number, or if Linda is your real name. So I can't call the police or paramedics and tell them you are in danger of hurting yourself.
That said, I have lived through suicidal depression, many many many times. I understand the pain your arein. This pain will end, if you live through it. Death does not end. Death is forever.
I am sure that you are feeling hopeless right now, but if you look back in your life, perhaps you will remember another time when you felt hopeless, and how you eventually did not feel that way anymore. Most people who have depressive disorders have more than one period where they think about suicide. I know you have attempted suicide in the past, but have you not been grateful to be alive at SOME point in the past few years. Have you not ever laughed, or had a moment that you enjoyed? Have you not been happy to be with your family? Living gives you a chance to have more of those positive experiences. Death does not.
A family is NEVER better off when someone kills herself. The grief you would bbe putting your family through if you died would far outweigh any burden that you think they now carry. Suicide destroys families forever. It does great damage, and it makes other people in the family more likely to commit suicide too.
Most importantly, you DESERVE TO LIVE for your self! You deserve more happy moments, more laughter, more moments of pleasure, and a chance to reach your goals and your aspirations. You deserve a chance at recovery. Depression is a very treatable disease!
There is help available. I hope that you will reach out right away to people who can really help you at a doctor's or therapist's office or a hospital or support group. I hope that you will make lists of your reasons to live and look at them when you are feeling this way. I hope that you will get medication that helps you. I hope that you will recover, like most people do, from depression.
If you want to use your blog as a place to help you cope, and a way to talk about your experiences, I am sure you would be great at doing that and could help others in the process. You have valuable things to say because you do matter, and your life is important.
Other people are living right now in the same pain you are in. I am one of them. So please use your blog as a way to connect with others who understand. Blogging can be really therapeutic that way. If you leave people to wonder whether you are dead or alive, however, that is cruel and unfair and dangerous to others who will come across this blog.
I really hope you get the help you need right away.
Hello girls,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words. As you can see, I survived yesterday. Very hard indeed. I just feel so overwhelmed with all these feelings. I just don’t know what to do. Drugs are not working, therapy is not working. I have been to counselling many times before, and that hasn’t worked either. I still feel I don’t want to be here.
As you rightly said Jen Daisybee, no one knows I am blogging here. And my real name is Linda and I live in England. I have lived positive and happy moments, as you said. My biggest problem is that I weigh everything, and when I take how much I have been sad, and how many times I have been “happy”, it is just not worth it.
I am still here, for the time being. Again, thank you so much for your positive thoughts, and I really appreciate it. I will keep you all updated.
Linda.