So tired....

Well, it has now been almost a week since that awful day when I decided to end it all.  Good news is that I finally started sorting out my will.  I have been trying to do it for a long time, but never really got around to do it.  Having said that, I have found it more than difficult to get up and going this time, than the last time I had such a down day.  It seems that when I am almost convinced that I am starting to get better, the very next day I have a very down day.  It seems to match the intensity as well, since last Wednesday I felt like I was on top of the world, and Thursday I wanted to end it all.

The doctor has seen me again and has again changed my drugs.  It seems these are quicker to take effect, which honestly, is what I need.  I am not expecting a miracle, but just to feel a bit more comfortable with myself.  Yesterday I was just sat here and remembered that I had stopped smoking 15 years ago with the help of hypnosis, and wondered why this method is not used to help with the worse cases out there.  I do understand that hypnosis is a temporary measure only, but I am sure it can help people like us to get through the most terrible moments.  I went to the website of Kenneth Grossman, who was the one who helped me and many others to stop smoking, and although it is not listed in these programs, I did email him and it turns out that he does have a CD program called Hypnosis for Depression - Living with Joy, Hope and Optimism.  I am seriously thinking of giving this a try.  After all, if it doesn’t do good, it won’t do bad either.

On another note, I have a problem with the “men” in my life.  Graham is an important part of my life, but we are cursed, in the sense that we cannot be together.  He has guilt issues, and is not willing to do what it takes to get what he wants.  Basically, he was the cause of my first suicide attempt.  We had lived together for 9,5 months, which to be honest, were the worst of my life, but I still feel I love him. When he left me, I knew it was for the best, but I was just not used to living on my own, and I found the walls of my prison were falling on top of me.  I could not handle the immense sense of sadness I was facing, and confused and very, very drunk, I decided it would be a good idea to end everything.  And that was the day, 9^th May 2009.  Although time has passed, he is still an important part of my life today.  I know we should have left well enough alone, but neither of us wants to go through the suffering of separating. I do find that when he annoys me, or doesn’t keep his word (which is very, very often), I tend to get worse with my depression.  I am trying hard for this not to affect me anymore, but I am finding it difficult.

On the other hand, there is someone else, that although I have only seen him once, we have spoken quite a lot on Facebook and the day I met him, we sat and had a coffee together.  He has such a big heart, that I think I fell in love straight away with him.  I am a sucker for men with big heart, and as usual, he has had crap women around him, just wanting his money and that is it.  I was very scared to share my depression problem with him, but it turns out that he has been really good, and it turns out that he is having some issues of his own as well.  He went on holiday about 2 weeks ago, and came back on Monday, and we were supposed to talk about meeting this coming weekend, but he has not been in touch.  Unfortunately, that is getting me a bit sad, since I was very much looking forward to seeing him, but I really don’t want to push.

Anyway, it has been a hard few days forcing myself to get out of bed and doing things, although tiny, they have shown to be a victory in my state of mind.