I am still here. With the thought in my head, but still here. It has been an incredibly awful and obscure journey, one of which I cannot see the end soon enough. Will it have an end? Will this pain and suffering end? Will I be able to see life in a different way? To be completely honest, I believe the answer to all these questions is NO. I know you have all said that death is final and everything, but on the other hand, what else can I do?
It has been more than 6 months now where I am getting worse and worse. One day I feel like I am getting better, and then..... BANG comes the darkness again. This is the worst I have been in the whole 6 months, and I can’t see it getting any better. In my responsible head, I need to make arrangements, because I would not like my family to pick up huge debts because of me. I at least owe them that.
Thank you Kindred Spirit, thank you Lost Girl and thank you Jen Daisybee. For a long time felt that no one even cared I was blogging! A big THANK YOU for you guys! x
I am so happy to hear from you.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing for pulling through.
The part of you that is worrying about arrangements and debt is not the responsible part of you, but rather the depressed, critical part that is saying, the least you can do is to stop being a burden to your family in every way. Fight that voice! This is the last thing your family cares about.
In every growing process, we take steps forward and back. I myself have felt like after years of therapy and medication, I was feeling worse than ever. People tell me that while I may feel like I am worse than ever and nothing was accomplished, in truth this is just a huge step back, and maybe even the fact that it feels so big is not because it is, but because of how far I've come. All you did so far to help youself is not lost. It is nearly impossible to believe that in the moment, but now I can say that I think it is true. So I can be one of those annoying people who say you'll understand when the feeling passes. :P
Also it is important to remember that there is some person and some medication which can help you. I was burned badly by a couple of therapists and refused to try again for a while which only hindered me. I was on medication that worked partially or not at all. I have recently started with a new therapist and a new medication. I'm doing pretty badly. Just 3 days ago, he almost forced me to get admitted to the hospital thinking I may try to kill myself. But now we are working through it, and I think (and hope) that maybe I have finally found someone who gets it and will not abandon me like other people and a medication that is effective for me. So you may have tried many therapists and medications but have yet to find the one that works for you. Since you have proven yourself strong enough to hang on, maybe you can use this in your favor as a "hitting rock bottom" platform from which you can jump into completely new treatment. I will be hard and scary, but you deserve the chance to find a truly good-hearted, understanding person and effective medication.
Keep strong.
Linda...I am so happy to be reading a new post from you today :)
ReplyDeleteKindred Spirit makes a good point...often when we feel worse that ever, its because we have actually been getting better (at least in some ways), which sadly makes any stumble or set back feel that much more devastating. I have been there as well. In fact, I was there for most of last week.
One of the most frustrating things I find about this disease is that it seems to just last forever, with no end in sight. Even treatments that are offered, whether by medication or therapy, take so long to offer any benefit (if they ever do, even) that you can't help but feel stuck, wondering what the heck you're supposed to do in the meantime. I understand...as far as I think I've come on some days, there are other days and weeks that convince me that I'll never be better. But that is the disease talking. It is not real. I know you have heard this before, and may not want to believe it, but its true...
If you like, perhaps you can join me by doing something small...I have written a message on my bathroom mirror that reads "I will get better". Whether we always believe it or not, it doesn't hurt to be reminded ;) (and yes, there have been really bad days where I've erased the message :p but its back...)
We are here for you. Keep writing. Lots of strength.
Hi Linda, I was just thinking about you, and thought I would say hi...how are you doing? xo
ReplyDelete