Depression sucks!

Well, I am really not sure what is happening to me.  Been to therapy, doubled the dose of my antidepressants but yet I feel I am getting worse rather than better.  I have spoken to my doctor and she said to wait at least 10 days for the drugs to take effect, but sometimes I just feel I’m going nowhere with this.  I have been off work now for about a week, but still find it hard to get out of bed.  I only had 1 “OK” day last week, when I felt there was hope, but after that, it has just gone downhill.  Don’t take me wrong, I am trying my best of getting out there and doing things.  Yesterday I went to the local zoo and felt really connected with Mother Nature.  I toy a lot about getting a dog.  I feel that perhaps it will help me get out of this hole I am in, but I am not sure I should be allowed one.

I have been trying to pinpoint the route of my low self-esteem and lack of interest in life.  I think it goes all the way back to 2006 when I found out my husband was cheating on me.  It really affected the way I felt about myself and since then, I feel that I am not worth anything.  I know it is stupid to think like that, and that I have accomplished a lot since then, but I still feel that I am not worth the effort.  It didn’t really help when I lived with someone else after that, and he too left me.  Different reasons, but all together I feel I am not worth enough to make big changes in someone’s life.

Anyway, the point is that today is another one of those days when I wish I was dead.  I haven’t thought about suicide since 2 years ago, but it came to my mind again on Friday.  I was scared and worried.  I am worrying a lot about things lately, but I don’t know how to stop myself.  I have therapy today, so let’s see how that goes....