Cipralex - wishing for more!

Because I was feeling increasingly suicidal, I upped my dose of Cipralex from 10mg to 15mg (after speaking to my doctor, of course!) about a month ago, and although it has taken off the suicidal part of me, I feel I am now giving in more to the hopeless, sad, worthless side of me and when before I would get up and go out to walk, I don’t feel like it anymore.  Before, I would get up in the morning, make plans for the day and be out and about by 9:30am the latest!  I would listen to motivational CD’s, I would read inspirational books, but now, I am just not interested in one bit of it.

I am really looking forward to next Friday 10^th June when I have my appointment with the CMHT.  I really hope they can get the medication balanced for me to go back to my “normal” life again.  I do wonder whether I will have a “normal” life.  My head gets filled up with ideas of how I will be lonely for the rest of my life, how I don’t want to live until old age, how there is nothing for me anymore out there, and of course that takes me to the part where I think, what the hell am I doing here anyway?

I toy a lot with the idea of selling everything and take a trip around the world.  That is something they do a lot in this country, but honestly, it doesn’t really push my buttons.  I think I would probably do it to see if I can find a reason to live.  Since I got to this country everything has been sadness, tears and frustration so I am desperate to find a way out of all of it.

I hold very fond memories of my life in Venezuela, where I had lots of friends and had great times too, but I do know that those memories live in the past Venezuela, and not the one that exists today.  I miss my friends, I miss the parties, I miss Christmas, I miss my life there, although saying that, I had lots of episodes where I wish I were dead.  My first attempt of suicide was when I was about 15, so somewhere in my head there is also memories of the bad times I lived there.  I remember being in hospital for over a week trying to find out what was causing my “mioclonic” attacks, which turns out that were panic attacks in the end.

The recommendation of the CMHT was for me to start taking 20mg of Cipralex, but they asked me to wait until it was properly prescribed by my GP.  When I went to see him, I had already started the 15mg and was having the side effects, such as tight chest, abdominal pains, etc., so he suggested for me to stay on the 15mg for now.  The side effects have gone now, but I feel so worthless, that I decided to start taking the 20mg, as originally recommended, so I am expecting more side effects in the next few days.