Well, today I had the appointment I so much had been looking forward to. I was really nervous this morning in anticipation as to what his diagnosis would be. When I got to the hospital, the lady at the reception desk said she didn’t have me in the list, and for one second I thought the world was coming down on me. Fortunately, everything was alright and Dr Walbridge called me in at 10:00am sharp.
He started asking the normal questions, as to how I am feeling, what side effects and then went into more details about my drinking habits and my childhood. Of course I told him that my dad is an alcoholic, and so was my grandmother, as well as depressive and attempted suicide a few times too. He then wanted to know more about my drinking habits. To be honest, I do drink quite a lot, and for the wrong reasons. Although I know that alcohol is a depressant, I still can’t stop drinking. My mom, who was with me, asked if this was something that could “run in the family”, since my dad and grandmother were both alcoholics. He said that although they are not hereditary, they DO run in the family and it makes me more vulnerable than normal to depression, and in his view, I have had recurrent depression since I was a teenager.
After much talk, he “prescribed” me 3 things: Cipralex 20mg, refrain from alcohol (for now), and exercise 3 times a week. The Cipralex is not a problem. I just need to ride off the side effects that I have. Refraining from alcohol will be a challenge. I think this will be the hardest and if I can’t, then I will have to live with the realisation that I, as well as my dad and grandmother, am an alcoholic as well. Exercise might be another challenge. When I get up in the morning, I don’t feel like doing anything, just sleep all day, will be very difficult to get it going, but I will certainly give it a try.
I asked him if I would suffer with depression all my life. He said I will always be vulnerable and probably will always have to take medication for it. That suddenly hit me. I will have this illness for the rest of my life. I will never be able to live a “normal” life again. I will always have to be aware of what is happening around me, and probably not be able to enjoy a drink again. That begs questions like, do I really want to live a life like this? Will I ever be able to find a man who will be kind enough to understand my illness?
I can see my life being a lonely, bitter, insecure woman who will live in her dark flat for the rest of her life, and suddenly, I don’t like that picture. Although Cipralex has removed the suicidal part of me, I still feel tempted to end this seemingly insignificant and sad life that awaits me. However, I feel very guilty for thinking this way when my mom and sister are so worried about me.
Sounds like a good visit. I too recently started exercising as per my doctor's instructions. It is really hard, but I think it is getting a bit easier over time. Wishing you strength!
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting. I have been depressed since I was a small child and so have never really thought much about having to live with it for the rest of my life. It simply is my life.
ReplyDeleteI recently quit drinking for physical reasons, and have found myself to be so vastly different without the alcohol. I used to only drink a couple of drinks, perhaps three a night and didn't think I was an alcoholic. I still don't really think I am. Regardless, I now like getting up in the morning and find myself reaching out to people again and actually might go so far as to say I am almost happy. Hopefully, you will find the same difference when you quit drinking. Sorry, I don't mean to be on a soapbox but I just found it made such a difference.