Ups and downs....

Oh Gosh, it’s been over 3 months now!  It has been quite a rollercoaster.  I have been up and down a lot of times.  Christmas is quite depressing for me for some reason.  I find it quite cold and sad here.  In Venezuela Christmas was a very special time, full of fun, music, enjoyment and happiness.  Of course, now it is not like that, but I hold the memories of when it was good, and I miss that.  I miss not having friends around me.  I am all alone here and not having a partner now for almost 3 years is making it all the more difficult.

Business is going alright, although these days I am struggling to get out there and do what I need to do.  Dreams have been messing around with my head and getting me down a lot.  I try to turn it around, but it normally lasts all day.  Setting goals is a difficult one for me, since I don’t really see me beyond today most of the time.  And even when I think of the things I could do, I don’t have anyone to share it with, and that is sad.

I have mixed feelings about loneliness.  Sometimes I see other couples and the “challenges” they face and think to myself “I don’t need to worry about that!”, and for that brief moment, I am glad I am alone.  But then all the family gets together, and everyone has a partner except me, and I feel out of place.  I think that is why I am filling my life with pets.  I now have 3 cats and a budgie, which is really funny at times and gets along pretty well with my cats.  But although I almost have a zoo in my flat, I still feel lonely.

Last night I dreamt I wanted to kill myself.  I was having a hard time and was crying a lot and took a knife, tried to stab myself with it, but it bent and it wouldn’t cut my wrists either.  It was quite frustrating so of course, I woke up this morning feeling quite drained and with a headache.  I want to get up and get going but all I want to do is sit down and cry.

Don’t get me wrong, I have more good days than bad days now, but still I wish I didn’t have the bad days.  They make me feel that I will always be like this and I don’t want to feel like a loser and a waste of space.  Hopefully it will go away soon!

Hope you are all doing well.  I have been reading your blogs and see that some of you are doing alright.  I still think of you all though, so please keep writing!

Hello All!

It has been a while since I last wrote on here and lots have happened.  Let’s see, where do I start?

I was approached by the company I “worked” for and they asked for a meeting, since in their view, I am not medically capable of holding the role I was contracted for.  I must admit, I was quite stressed about the whole situation and I spent 3 days worrying about it.  It sounded to me that they already had made their decision, and no matter what I said, they would dismiss me on “medical grounds”.  The day came and as I suspected, they heard what I had to say and they went to “deliberate” about whether I would be dismissed or not.  The decision was made that I was to be dismissed on medical ground.  Surprisingly enough, I didn’t cry, I wasn’t worried, I wasn’t mortified at all.  To the contrary, I was so relaxed, as if something was lifted off my shoulders and the feeling has continued till this day.

I have my goals and motivation to qualify for Miami and my sponsors are helping me big time and although I am working perhaps more than I used to at the “company”, I am enjoying it tremendously, because it is for ME and not for anyone else that I am working for!

I really cannot describe the feeling of being free.  Who would have thought that work was the principal issue of my depression?  Since I was dismissed 2 weeks ago, I have not had 1 bad day and I have plans, targets and most importantly, motivation to continue my life!

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday and he was very pleased with me, and has now discharged me from his care.  It is amazing how having a goal and something to look forward to can change one’s perspective of life.  I still need to be on medication for at least 4 more years, since I have recurrent depression, but life looks good at the moment!

A good reed is “FEEL HAPPY NOW” by Michael Neill.  He talks about the “story teller” that we all have inside of us.  By changing that, a lot can change within you, but just telling positive stories, instead of tragic ones.

Thank you to ALL of you who have helped me across this journey.  I still read your blogs and keep you in mind!

What has happened to me? What did I do?

Right, all of you know how rough the last few weeks have been for me.  I seriously started making “plans” and was “preparing” my family and friends.  I spoke to the Community Mental Health Team and advised of my plans and they said they would call me every day to see how I was doing.  Till today, I have heard nothing from them.

Then, all of the sudden, things changed.  A year ago I started a Network Marketing business, since I believe in the concept and have seen it works.  On Saturday 3 September was the Christmas Showcase (I know! Christmas in September!!!).  I must say, it was absolutely amazing.  The positive vibe, the laughter, the dreams flowing in a place full with over 3,000 people was just amazing.  Lots of speakers within the business and the guest speaker was Darren Hardy, who I absolutely admire for all the concepts and philosophies he teaches.  This particular company also promotes as an incentive a 5 Star holiday completely paid to different destinations around the world.  When I joined last year the destination to aim for was New York, but to be honest, it was not really inspiring for me.  Next year the destination is Miami! Now that is something to work hard and look forward to. 

They are lining up various events, including staying 5 Star hotel stay at Fontainebleau Hotel, in which most of the rooms have amazing views of the coast line.  They are also taking us to the American Airline Arena, where we will be watching all the action there and then meeting some of the Miami Heat players.  We will also be going to Bongos Cuban Cafe, which is owned by Gloria Estefan.  Now this really excites me, because of all the Latin background and music, which will bring me back home, in some sense.  We will also be going to the Everglades and visiting the Gator Park and not forget the Conference and Gala Dinner, packed with everything we need to grow our business.

I think this is what has happened to me and has made me so fired up and focused.  Yesterday my car broke down whilst I was dropping some catalogues and instead of going straight down with depression, sadness and desperation, I bounced right back and thought to myself “I will not let the Devil trick me into falling down again”.  I am determined to stay where I am, enthusiastic and focused in a goal.  This will also bring me a decent income and I will not longer need to claim benefits.  It also helps that as one of the criteria for my up-lines to qualify for Miami as well, they need to help one of their team reach a certain level in the pay plan, and they have decided to help me, which is really, really exciting.  On helping me, they are helping themselves, and that is what Network Marketing is all about.

So just wanted to report that I am feeling extremely excited about my future and really looking forward to going to Miami next year, which coincidently falls really close to my birthday, so I could also take the chance and celebrate whilst I am there!

I must say though, that ALL of you have helped me tremendously in realising that I am not on my own and that things DO get better.

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU!!!

Why is sadness so loud!

There it is again.  That feeling of sadness and that nothing I do is going to get rid of it.  The last week I have been trying to get closer to my family by inviting them for dinner on Wednesday night and then for a BBQ last Monday, since it was bank holiday here in England.  Both times, after they left, I felt extremely sad and the day after even more so.  I would just like to know what it all means!

And it is not like I go to bed sad, or with negative thoughts.  Like last night, I was thinking of all the “productive” things I was going to get done today.  I woke up and all I want to do is keep on sleeping, but I have not been sleeping alright.  For the last couple of weeks my sleep has been so bad, that I just fear going to bed at night.  It is driving me insane.

I just wish there was a more speedy way to get out of this state.  I am scared, anxious, preoccupied, and nervous about having to claim benefits.  I have never needed anyone to help me out financially before.  Since I was 17 I have worked my way through and never needed anyone.  Now, that I am 37 I find myself on the bridge of desperation because of this horrible illness.  It is moments like these that I just wish I was dead.

How much longer? :’(

Overwhelmed!

I am actually very overwhelmed by the amount of comments I received in my last post.  I can honestly tell you that I was convinced no one was even interested in what I had to say.  For several days I waited, and waited and no one said anything and that gave me a clue that perhaps it was true what I was thinking.

Thank you to everyone who responded.  The time for my “plan” to end it all is not here yet, so I still have some time to keep thinking about things.  I had a conversation with my mother and explained what I had posted.  She understood but she still feels that if I actually commit suicide, they will still feel guilty since they did not do enough for me.  I explained that they have, but it is just me, my brain, the way I was raised, the country I was raised in.

I am starting the painful process of claiming benefits, for which I may add, I feel very bad about.  I should be able to provide for myself, and this alone is a very strong metal thing I am currently fighting.

Thank you guys.  I will keep you posted on what is happening with me!

I now know what to do!

It has been a tough couple of weeks.  Finding out that my sick pay from the company I work for is stopping, not knowing what is going to happen with me financially, it has been an anxiety rollercoaster for me these last days.

But the good thing, is that it has given me some kind of clarity as of what I need to do next.  Four years ago, after my “almost successful” suicide attempt, I made plans to end my life in a way that, in my view, would be kind of a less painful way for my family and loved ones.  I was going to counselling at the time and they were extremely concerned about me.  I changed my mind in the last minute and tried to start thinking positively about my future, reading inspiring books, listening to successful people who accomplished their dreams and even tried to set goals for myself.  It all worked out to be absolute trash when I hit rock bottom in October last year, and consequently it led me to be off work from March this year and not been able to go back.

Where I come from, this is a very sad place to be, and it is condemned by society.  People with mental illness is nonexistent, part of a different set of people.... LOSERS!  I grew up around the people who condemned and criticised these people and now I have become one of the losers myself, making me part of this non wanted kind of human beings that unfortunately exist.

I understand that I am no longer in Venezuela, in the latin environment, but I grew up with this kind of view, and in my mind, this is completely unacceptable.  I CANNOT be a burden for my family and my loved ones, and I have put together a plan to make everything easier for everyone.

The other day, I was sat in the balcony of my flat just contemplating the trees, the road, the flowers.  One thing I love is spring.  It is a sign of a new beginning, everything blossoming and showing a new life.  Suddenly I thought “I will not see a spring again” and tears came to my eyes, but this is the best thing for everyone.

One of my objectives is to speak to each and every one of my loved ones and explain that they are not the cause of my current situation.  A set of wrong, seemingly insignificant decisions I took in the course of my life led me to suffer this cruel and unforgiving illness.  I have tried everything: counselling; CBT; drugs; positive thinking; inspirational audios, but nothing seems to change the way I feel inside me.  Some people write, and even ascertain that we have the power to change our circumstances, but what about people like us, people with mental illness that are unable to control their circumstances.  God knows that I have an intense desire to change the way I feel, but have tried unsuccessfully for the last year and now I am just giving up.

I have now started to sort things out and sell all the things that are sellable in my house.  I want to look for a good home for my cats, Tigre and Mota.  I know they are old now and it is hard for them to get along with any other cats, and my mom’s husband would not like them with them, so I will place an ad to start looking for someone to look after them for the rest of their lives.  I know Sparky will have no problem, since he gets along pretty well with Ruby, my mom’s cat and they will not mind having him.

I think there is nothing else that I can do.  I have tried it all, and even if I feel a little bit better, I will be always faced with the fact that sooner or later I will have a relapse, and I don’t want anybody to go through that.  I have done my best, and I am happy with that.

I am still here :o(

It has been a hard few weeks for me.  After having some serious anxiety attacks the Community Mental Health team decided it was best if I stopped taking the Venlafaxine altogether, only after 6 days taking it.  I must say, the aftermath was even worse.  I was having at least 2-3 anxiety attacks a day, not to mention I was constipated, could not urinate, and was very confused and incoherent.  After the worst was gone, my mother said she was really worried about my sanity, since I was having very strange and disturbed thoughts.

I am only on Cipralex 10mg now until I see the psychiatrist on Monday.  I have had a bit more energy than I had before Venlafaxine, but still feel very sad.  I am also extremely worried about going back to work.  The truth is, I don’t want to go back, but I don’t think I have any other options.  I have a mortgage and bills to pay.  Thankfully I am not in much debt, but still have to pay what I owe.  It worries me to death and I think the anxiety attacks I had were accentuated by those thoughts.  I know that there are people that would help me, but again, I really don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

On the other hand, I want to thank Jojesek for her kind reply.  I was convinced no one was interested in what I had to say and was starting to feel extremely rejected by everyone.   Jojesek, thank you so much for reading my blog and answering, it meant a lot to me.  I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time, but all I can say is hang on in there!

How much longer?

I’ve been thinking, and life sucks!  I’ve had a few weeks really crap, but even before that I have been having trouble getting energy to do anything.  I get up in the morning, try and get ready and as the day goes by, my energy levels go down, and down, to the point where I need to sleep, sometimes all afternoon.  And when 10:00pm arrives, again I am exhausted and my eyes close on their own, and when I think back as to what I have done all day, the answer is only one: NOTHING!

I don’t know where this lack of energy is coming from, I don’t know why I don’t feel like doing anything.  I went to my doctor and he feels that it is linked to my mood and he decided that Cipralex is not working for me anymore, so he has asked me to reduce the dose from 20mg down to 10mg and take Venlafaxine 75mg.  I still wish I was dead.  I don’t think it matters how many times they change my medication, the truth is I have wanted to be dead since I was a teenager.  Always have and I think I always will.  Sometimes more than others, but the fact remains the same.

The truth is I am petrified.  I don’t feel confident enough to go back to work, but I can’t keep going the way I am.  Very soon I am not going to be able to pay the bills and the least I want is to be a burden for my family.  I have shared this with my mom, but she insist that I am not a burden for her, that she will always be there for me, but the truth is that it should be me looking after her, not the other way around!

My head if full of ideas and thoughts, but unfortunately none of them are constructive.  It doesn’t matter how many “positive” books I read, how many “inspirational” CD’s I listen to, at the end of the day, I still feel the same.  I don’t want to, but I do.

Giving up

I have had a very rough week.  I was very upset after what happened with my friend Jackie, and I told her so on Saturday night.  I told her that I was worried sick and that she didn’t need to stay in the streets with all the dangers out there, that there are people that love her and care for her.  I was upset, and I only thought about what I was feeling, and I forgot that she was very vulnerable, and she just fell into a very deep depression.  I can’t help but feel responsible for this and I keep thinking that I don’t want to hurt people, but I keep doing it.

Since Tuesday, when I went to see her and she was completely gone in her mind, I keep thinking about all the people I have hurt.  My mother, who married my father and stayed with him for 30 horrible years of agony because of me; my sister, who feels that I have stolen her mother’s love; Felix, who’s heart I broke and lured him out of his safety family net; Graham, who left his family because of me and hurt them.

I just feel that I don’t deserve to live, or probably I do, just to pay for all the hurt and suffering that I have caused.  I pray every day for God to take my life.  I pray for a horrible disease to kill me as quick as possible.  I pray for my heart to stop without any input by me.  I don’t want to commit suicide because it will hurt my family too much, so instead, I pray every single day for something to happen to me, so my life can end without me having to do it.

I have been on medication for over 4 months now and I still feel the pain, the inconsolable helpless feeling inside my heart.  I have nothing to be proud of.  My cats are all I have and I care about them, but I just don’t want to live anymore.  I want the pain to go away, I want to lose my mind and not remember who I am and what I have done.  I always wanted to think of myself as a good person, but the truth is, I am not.  I am a parasite and I should be eliminated.  

Angry, sad and depressed.....

Today, this is the way I feel.  I have a friend, Jackie, who also has mental illness.  A few years ago she jumped a bridge, and she survived.  She broke a few bones, was in hospital for a while, but survived.  I would say that she is that kind of person that comes from a background that helped to get her illness worse.  She was married to a soldier who used to hit her quite a lot.  Once, being pregnant he hit her right in her stomach!  After several years of mistreating, she finally decided to leave him, but because of her mental illness history, he won the kids custody.

Since then, she met Richard, whom she married in August last year.  He was born with cerebral palsy, so he is disabled himself.  All in all, they make a good couple, but sometimes I get the impression that Jackie is more a servant than a wife to Richard.  She called me Thursday night, at about 9pm very upset that she had had an argument with Richard.  It seems that he was not in a very good mood and started taking it on Jackie.  She was cooking and he asked her why she didn’t cook the potatoes like his mom’s.  Then he will not let her use the washing machine, vacuum, but he expects everything to be clean.

I asked her where she was, several times, but she refused to tell me.  She didn’t want Richard knowing where she was.  I explained that I would not tell him and she could stay the night with me.  She refused.  She hangs up saying that her daughter was calling her.  Then she called me again at 10:20pm, still upset saying that she can’t cope with the situation anymore.  I suggest that she needs some sleep and it would be a good idea to go back home and make a decision in the morning.  She said she was not going back and that she was going to sleep in the street!  I again enquired as to her whereabouts but again, she refused saying that she would be alright.  The last thing she said was that she didn’t want to “be here” anymore.  I know what that means with people like us!

I received a call at 4am from the police asking if I knew where she was.  I had been trying to call her several times, but all the time the phone was switched off.  They thanked me for my help and that is all I knew until the next morning. I tried phoning Richard, I tried home and her mobile but there was no answer from anyone.  I decided to call the police and it turns out that she was found, but was not home since she was waiting to be seen by a “health professional”.  What did that mean?  Was she hurt? Had she tried suicide?  Was she in hospital?  I didn’t have more information and I grew quite upset wondering if there was anything more that I could have done!

At about 9am Richard called me to say that the police had called him at 5am to advise him that they had found her and she was at the police station.  They would not release her on her own and he needed to go and pick her up.  He told him that he was going to work shortly, and he could not do it!

Is it me, or is that wrong? Why did Richard put his work before his wife?  Why did Jackie call me if she really didn’t want my help?

I am quite upset with them both, I am sad to think a husband doesn’t care about his wife and reminded me of my own life a few years back, when Graham put his job before anything else.  I can’t help but wonder whether being on my own is the best thing that can happen to someone like me!

I haven’t spoken to Richard or Jackie yet, I am still quite angry and upset with them, so I will wait until my “compassionate” side is back.

Plodding on...

Well, I am glad to report that my headaches are now very few and far between!  I went to my GP and since I have a history of migraines, he asked me to take Pizotifen every night before bed, and that sure helped my headaches, but what did not help, was my intentions of losing weight.  In the 2 weeks prior to starting the Pizotifen, I had lost 3kgs but as soon as I started the new medication, I put the weight straight on.  It turns out that one of the most common side effects is overeating!!!  I am not sure what is worse though!

On the other hand, the depression seems to be slowly getting under control.  I still have moments of desperation, tears and thoughts, but otherwise, I spend most of my days either sleeping or eating!  I feel so numb, that at night, when I am about to go to bed, I just think that I could take an overdose and not even care about it.  In the past, when I had thought about dying, I was in tears, desperation and not thinking clearly at all, but these days, I just wish I was dead and be so calm, that it can get mistaken by something else.  I think about going back to work, but then I don’t want to because I am scared of what they might think, and worry if I have another breakdown.

At the moment, I am enjoying Sparky’s young age.  He is so full of energy, runs up and down, plays all day, even my other two cats sometimes feel that he is too much to handle!  But I love the fact that I am here at that critical age and he has really come to love me.  We cuddle up on the sofa and when it is time for bed, he comes and cuddles as well.

I am working on setting myself some goals.  I think my lack of enthusiasm, energy and complete lethargy is because I have nothing to aim for.  I could happily die tomorrow and not say that “I wish I had done this, or I wish I saw that...”  It seems that my dreams had been sucked away by some kind of monster that doesn’t want me to have nothing more than I already have.  I can’t really complain, which is sometimes the issue, but on the other hand, I need to have something to look forward to.

My fear sometimes consumes me, and I don’t allow myself to think nothing because I want to avoid being disappointed.  I need to move on, I need to find that “something” that is going to make me take risks, do the unimaginable, run a mile, be healthy and feel fit to take on life!

Until then, I will just keep on plodding.....

Having a little baby at home!

I forgot all about what it is to have a little baby cat!  I got Sparky on Monday after a very rushed decision, although I am certain it is my survival instincts making me have an excuse to live longer that I really want to.  It’s like the will.  I didn’t sign it for months just to have an excuse not to kill myself “yet”.

On the other hand, I still have a headache.  On Sunday, it will be 3 weeks since I’ve had it, and I am tired of it.  I thought it might have been one of the side effects for Cipralex, but after this time it should have gone away by now.  I will be calling the CMHT to verify whether Cipralex is causing this or not.

Tomorrow my aunt will be having her engagement party.  I am very happy for her since she had a very hard time trying to reach this point in her life, but on the other hand, I must admit I feel quite depressed, since I am still alone, and no one is even close to be a “potential” partner.  I have tried to brainwash myself saying that I am better on my own, since my first marriage was a disaster and my attempt to live with Graham was a complete nightmare, and now that I have the “peace” of mind, I can’t help but feel that I would love to have some kind of companion close to me.

I think this is why I got Sparky.  The spirit of a kitten, playful, running from one end of the flat to the other, cuddling with me at night and seeking as much attention as he can, is proving to be refreshing for me.  He puts a smile in my face and makes me feel good.  I can’t believe this life is my responsibility, and I want to give him everything so he is happy here.  I must say, Tigre and Mota are not the happiest, but they have accepted him, and that is enough for me.  About a year ago, I failed trying to integrate another cat in the house, although she was an old female as well, and to top things up, she was deaf!  I tried to follow every rule and advise about how to integrate a kitten to older cats, and so far, it has worked wonderfully!

It is still hard for me to go out, and all I want to do is stay home in bed, hoping for this headache to go away.  I am feeling very drained, both physically and emotionally of carrying this constant pain day and night.  Not being able to do anything, because as soon as I bend over and get up again, my head is pounding, life if my heart was in there!

Let’s see what the CMHT say....

Migraines!

Day 3 of diet and I have still stuck to it! But day 11 with a migraine.  Since I was very young I suffered with migraines and it has caused severe disruption in my day to day life.  About 3 years ago the company I work for said they could not put up with it anymore and that I had to do something about it.  What could I do?  I do not decide to have a migraine!!!  I went to my GP and explained the extent of the problems this was causing me so we started a series of strategies.  I started taking Beta Blockers and it seemed to improve a little bit, but it didn’t help with my depression, in fact, it was making me worse.

So the GP took me off the Beta Blockers and changed the pill for me, meaning that I should not have a period at all.  This was kind of good news for me because my migraines were worse when I had my period and seemed to be triggered by that.  I started taking this new pill and although I still had very little period in the beginning, eventually it went away completely and my migraines were very much gone as well!  I was very happy and relieved, although to get to this it took me about a year and a half of trying.  Now and then I can get headaches, but nothing compared to what I used to. 

This time is different.  I have had this migraine for 11 days now, and it is very exhausting.  I cannot even ascertain if my depression is improving because the migraine is taking all the energy out of me.  I wonder sometimes if this migraine is because I increased the Cipralex to 20mg?  I saw my doctor a couple of days ago and she said it was very difficult to say, since it could be several things:  withdrawal from alcohol, period related (I had some spots of blood, which could be my period), or sinusitis.  I don’t think it is alcohol withdrawal since I only stopped drinking last Friday, and I have had this migraines since the Sunday before that.  It could be period related and it could be sinusitis.  I have started using the sinusitis spray to see if it improves.

Last night it was really bad, and I could not sleep because of the migraines.  I joke to my mom and say if I was a horse, they would have shot me by now!  Sometimes I wish I was a horse......

I want that part of me back

It was the 21^st October of 1990 when I started working.  I was only 17, although I would be 18 the next month.  I had this dream of being a high management person within a big and important company.  Never thought about marrying, or having children, or getting old for that matter.  I suppose when we are young, we don’t think about getting old.  But I tell you, what I never thought was that I would suffer from depression.

My father was an alcoholic since I could remember.  I remember being a child waking up in the middle of the night him shouting at my mom and calling her names, only because he was drunk and had hidden some money away and couldn’t remember where he put it.  One day he got home from work and he had found a pistol in one of the fridges he was fixing (so he claims).  That is when things got a bit worse, since he thought he was God only because he had a gun.  Sometimes, if he got home drunk and pissed off, he would get the gun and go out.  We didn’t know where he went, what he did, or if he would come back.  He did, every time.

Since then, mom and I were afraid each time his car got near the house.  We didn’t know whether he would be drunk or not, but only just in case, we would be in our best behaviour.  I hated growing up like that, so I got stronger and stronger with the years, only by resenting.

Once, I remember mom and dad were arguing and he got the gun out and pointed it to my mom.  I honestly thought that that was it, that everything was going to end that day.  He didn’t pull the trigger, but I grew up resenting him for doing that.  On another occasion they were both arguing again and he said that he never loved me, or wanted me.  I can never forget that day for some reason.  I was only about 6, but those words hit me so hard in my heart.  I grew up resenting him because of that.

I was 18 already when one night I got home just about 8pm and he went mental.  He called me every name under the sun and threw a punch at my face.  I was so furious, I just got up and looked at him in the eye and said either he gets tired of punching me, or I would drop dead, it was his choice.  Of course he punched me again and to my surprise, mom didn’t do anything.

On another occasion I fell down some stairs and hurt my ankle and could not walk, and only had money either for the taxi or the medication I needed, so called home to see if dad was in.  Mom asked him and he said he didn’t feel like going out.  I was furious again and I bought my medication and took the bus back home, having to walk a few miles from the bus stop home.  When I got home I confronted him and said if he was not a dad to help me out when I needed him, he could not be a dad to punch me again.  From that day, I grew rebel to his behaviour and took control of home.  I was so strong, determined, fearless, nothing could stop me then, only until hallucinations took over his mind.  I completely broke down since there was no logic way of me taking back control of things.

I wish I was that strong again.  I wish I had that determination.  Was it anger and resentment that made it come into me in the first place?  Who knows, but those few years that I experienced being on top of the world, were like no other, and I miss them.

With this story of my life I just want to point out that I don’t mean to belittle anyone’s courage for living their lives with depression, and I am sorry if I offended any of you.  What I mean is that at one point in my life I did experience that strong and determined person, and it is very hard for me to accept that I have this illness and that I will have it for the rest of my life.  

First Psychiatric appointment

Well, today I had the appointment I so much had been looking forward to.  I was really nervous this morning in anticipation as to what his diagnosis would be.  When I got to the hospital, the lady at the reception desk said she didn’t have me in the list, and for one second I thought the world was coming down on me.  Fortunately, everything was alright and Dr Walbridge called me in at 10:00am sharp.

He started asking the normal questions, as to how I am feeling, what side effects and then went into more details about my drinking habits and my childhood.  Of course I told him that my dad is an alcoholic, and so was my grandmother, as well as depressive and attempted suicide a few times too.  He then wanted to know more about my drinking habits.  To be honest, I do drink quite a lot, and for the wrong reasons.  Although I know that alcohol is a depressant, I still can’t stop drinking.  My mom, who was with me, asked if this was something that could “run in the family”, since my dad and grandmother were both alcoholics.  He said that although they are not hereditary, they DO run in the family and it makes me more vulnerable than normal to depression, and in his view, I have had recurrent depression since I was a teenager.

After much talk, he “prescribed” me 3 things:  Cipralex 20mg, refrain from alcohol (for now), and exercise 3 times a week.  The Cipralex is not a problem. I just need to ride off the side effects that I have.  Refraining from alcohol will be a challenge.  I think this will be the hardest and if I can’t, then I will have to live with the realisation that I, as well as my dad and grandmother, am an alcoholic as well.  Exercise might be another challenge.  When I get up in the morning, I don’t feel like doing anything, just sleep all day, will be very difficult to get it going, but I will certainly give it a try.

I asked him if I would suffer with depression all my life.  He said I will always be vulnerable and probably will always have to take medication for it.  That suddenly hit me.  I will have this illness for the rest of my life.  I will never be able to live a “normal” life again.  I will always have to be aware of what is happening around me, and probably not be able to enjoy a drink again.  That begs questions like, do I really want to live a life like this?  Will I ever be able to find a man who will be kind enough to understand my illness?

I can see my life being a lonely, bitter, insecure woman who will live in her dark flat for the rest of her life, and suddenly, I don’t like that picture.  Although Cipralex has removed the suicidal part of me, I still feel tempted to end this seemingly insignificant and sad life that awaits me.  However, I feel very guilty for thinking this way when my mom and sister are so worried about me.

I suppose I still need to “digest” the information given today.  Dr Walbridge wants to see me again in 8 weeks to see how much progress I have made.  I feel the challenge will be the next few days.....

Another set back :o(

There I was, thinking that at last the medication was starting to work and that everything was going to get better.  I hate it when I am wrong and I am tired of feeling this way.  I have been doing so well the last few days, getting up with energy, tiding up my flat, going out for walks, and today, it took me so long to wake up and now that I am up, I have a headache and just want to sleep.  It might be side effects of upping the dose to 20mg.  Just read the leaflet, and the side effects I am having are:

·         Fatigue

·         Increased sweating

·         Blocked or runny nose

·         Restlessness

·         Dry mouth

·         Sexual disturbances

·         Difficulty breathing

·         Abdominal muscle pain

The truth is, I don’t mind the side effects if they ultimately help me with my illness.  It has been a long 9 months now since I have been feeling like I want to die.

I was so hopeful, and this relapse makes me feel that the solution is nowhere near.  I just want this to stop.  I want to go back to my life.  I want to be able to smile again without any thought of worthlessness. 

Is it really working?

Well, it seems something is working.  Whether it’s the medication, or I have changed my way of thinking, I am not sure.

When I upped my dose of Cipralex to 15mg about 4 weeks ago, I still felt lonely, sad, hopeless, unworthy and a sense of nothingness, but at least the suicidal thoughts were not there anymore.  I was still not happy with the results because before taking Cipralex, at least I would go out and walk every day and would try to do things.  In the last 2-3 weeks, I have been giving in to my feeling of not doing anything and found myself spending most of the time in my flat, not going out and doing nothing at all.  I then decided last Thursday that I would up my dose to 20mg, which is what the CMHT recommended, and I think (fingers crossed) it is starting to work (or at least that is what I feel). 

I have had a couple of episodes where I have been on top of the world one day, and then the next I am right in the bottom again, but in the last few days, I have felt well but with a sense of carefulness, and it seems to be staying levelled.  Of course I was very afraid that I would be at the bottom the next day, so decided to proceed with precaution about my thoughts and actions, but the next days, I have woken up feeling quite energetic, which is something I haven’t felt for quite a while.

I will not sing victory just as yet, and I am really looking forward to my appointment this Friday with the Psychiatrist at the CMHT.  I don’t want to fall into a sense of false security.  I want to be absolutely, 100% sure that I am on the road to recovery and to getting my life back!

Wish me luck!

Cipralex - wishing for more!

Because I was feeling increasingly suicidal, I upped my dose of Cipralex from 10mg to 15mg (after speaking to my doctor, of course!) about a month ago, and although it has taken off the suicidal part of me, I feel I am now giving in more to the hopeless, sad, worthless side of me and when before I would get up and go out to walk, I don’t feel like it anymore.  Before, I would get up in the morning, make plans for the day and be out and about by 9:30am the latest!  I would listen to motivational CD’s, I would read inspirational books, but now, I am just not interested in one bit of it.

I am really looking forward to next Friday 10^th June when I have my appointment with the CMHT.  I really hope they can get the medication balanced for me to go back to my “normal” life again.  I do wonder whether I will have a “normal” life.  My head gets filled up with ideas of how I will be lonely for the rest of my life, how I don’t want to live until old age, how there is nothing for me anymore out there, and of course that takes me to the part where I think, what the hell am I doing here anyway?

I toy a lot with the idea of selling everything and take a trip around the world.  That is something they do a lot in this country, but honestly, it doesn’t really push my buttons.  I think I would probably do it to see if I can find a reason to live.  Since I got to this country everything has been sadness, tears and frustration so I am desperate to find a way out of all of it.

I hold very fond memories of my life in Venezuela, where I had lots of friends and had great times too, but I do know that those memories live in the past Venezuela, and not the one that exists today.  I miss my friends, I miss the parties, I miss Christmas, I miss my life there, although saying that, I had lots of episodes where I wish I were dead.  My first attempt of suicide was when I was about 15, so somewhere in my head there is also memories of the bad times I lived there.  I remember being in hospital for over a week trying to find out what was causing my “mioclonic” attacks, which turns out that were panic attacks in the end.

The recommendation of the CMHT was for me to start taking 20mg of Cipralex, but they asked me to wait until it was properly prescribed by my GP.  When I went to see him, I had already started the 15mg and was having the side effects, such as tight chest, abdominal pains, etc., so he suggested for me to stay on the 15mg for now.  The side effects have gone now, but I feel so worthless, that I decided to start taking the 20mg, as originally recommended, so I am expecting more side effects in the next few days.

Do I have any future?

Almost a month!  But what a rollercoaster it has been.  I have been up and down and all over the place.  I finally got the letter and I will have an appointment with a Psychiatrist on 10^th of June.  I just can’t wait!

I just read my two last blogs and to be truthful, nothing much has changed.  I pretty much keep my feelings to myself since I don’t want mom and my sister worrying too much about me.  I go out with them and put my happy face on, and although I might have a good time, I always come back to the same old flat.  I find the most difficult time of the day for me is the mornings.  I struggle to get up and go, and lately I have been giving in into my deep feeling of unworthiness.

Last Thursday I had a great day.  I had things done, was very proud that I at least got out and had some walking done and had great plans for the next day, where I set up my alarm really early in the morning to get up and do some exercise.  I was absolutely over the world and I didn’t have one drop of alcohol!  I should have seen the signs though.  The next day, I was really, really down.  I suppose one of the things the medication is doing for me is that I am not suicidal, but the pain in my chest was still very hurtful.  I keep thinking that I need to get some goals and have something to live for, but each time I sit with pen and paper in my hand, I just can’t come up with anything.  I can’t see me living over 40, and if I keep going like this, I will not reach 38!

I sit down and think the things I have lost to this illness, and it is just too overwhelming sometimes. Yes, my marriage didn’t work from the very beginning, and I wouldn’t say I lost it because of my illness, but things became very difficult at times because of it.  I think if I hadn’t been so numb by depression, I would have done something sooner to ease things for both of us.  Now I am here, on my own, and Felix (my ex-husband) struggles himself with his life.  He has no direction, and I know it is not my fault, but I somehow feel responsible for his outcome.  That is another issue I have, but will not go into much detail about it.

One night I dreamt that all my Venezuelan friends were waiting for me and we had a great party!  I used to have parties at my flat and there would be sometimes more than 30 people!  As you can imagine, it was sometimes difficult to walk around, be we used to have so much fun.  Since I’ve been to England, I can count “friends” with the fingers of one hand, and even though, I have lost some of them due to this illness.  One special one I lost, who also turned out to be the love of my life.  When we separated over 2 years ago, it was hard, because not only I lost the love of my life, but also my best friend.  Somehow, we kept seeing each other and although the relationship is very complicated, I felt that at least I still had my friend.  When I was really down on Thursday, I decided that I would tell him how I felt, and oh boy, what a mistake.  I didn’t hear from him for the next 3 days!!!  I think what hurts the most if feel how someone falls out of love with you.  It is a horrible feeling and it never happened to me before.

Now, I feel lonelier than ever before.  I was so upset yesterday after HE got mad at me because I refused to answer his phone calls that I drank myself to sleep at 6pm.  I left my phones in the lounge so of course when my mom called, I could not hear them and she got all worried.  The first thing she did was call him to see if he had seen me.  I am tired of this “relationship”.  It feels like I am self destructing myself staying in touch with him, but don’t have the guts to ask him to leave me alone either.

When mom finally got to my flat and found me sound asleep in my bedroom, she felt relieved, but when I got up I saw her husband (who is not my dad, of course), and somehow I felt like he hated me for making my mom go through all this.  It might be this illness that is playing with my mind, but I don’t feel comfortable going to my mom’s either now.  Sometimes the day can go by, and the only ones I speak to are my cats!

I want my life back, I want to be that girl who used to enjoy life and was not afraid of anything.  I have even toyed with the idea of selling everything and go around the world and see if I can find peace for myself.  But I can’t bear the thought of leaving my cats and something happening to them. I feel trapped.  I want to go back to work, but I can’t.  I want to feel better, but I can’t.  It is becoming very hard to want to stay alive, and worst of all, not having nothing to live for.

The mask....

Hi! I know it has been a while since I have been on the blog, or have read anyone’s for that matter.  The main reason is because I am fighting with all my strength to get out of the hole I am in at the moment.  Medication is clearly not working and I have to yet wait for an appointment with the Community Mental Health people so something can be done about it.

In the meantime, I have put my mask on so I don’t get questions and people asking if I am alright, because I feel guilty of telling them that I am not.... yet again!!!  I am unable to work, I am unable to sustain a relationship, the only person I talk to on a regular basis is my mom an Graham, but I finally decided that I will not tell him anything about my condition again.  A couple of weeks back, I broke down again, and went to the length of writing a “good bye” letter to my mom and sister, but on trying to write something to him, nothing came out.  It turns out that when I told him what had happened, he just told me off and questioned why was I being so selfish?  I mean, it’s not like I am doing it on purpose, I just don’t feel the willingness of living.  I just don’t see the point.  I have nothing to live for.  The only reason I am still here is because I know I will cause immense pain to my mom and sister, but on the other hand, I am kind of in peace with myself about the fact that I would happily take my own life.

I see other people’s life, and there is not one person who can be of an example to me.  For instance, Graham, he has a family, a wife and 2 kids, growing up, but what is it that makes him cheat on his wife, if he is not willing to leave her?  Is every couple this way?  Is every marriage this way?  Is there truly a marriage that can be loving, affectionate and yet respectful of each other?  I know I have a failed marriage myself, and I keep wondering whether I should have married in the first place. 

What I am saying is, I don’t think there is any hope for me.  Who in their sane mind would put up with someone who suffers from depression and analyses every single thing that happens in the world?  I need all the help that I can get before I think that there is no help for me at all.  If something is not done soon, I will not live long to tell the story.  It has been a tough 7-8 months and I am still trying to get the best out of “life”.  Each time I try to set goals for myself, I always think “what for?”.  I feel pain, every day, deeply in my heart, and I want that to stop.  Sometimes it becomes unbearable.  Sometimes it becomes dark.  Sometimes I just don’t want to carry on.

Scared, tired and sad....

It has been a while since I have been here, and to be honest, I am not quite sure how I have been feeling.  It has been a true rollercoaster of emotions for me.  I feel sad, lonely, scared, terrified and yet, I am still here.  To be completely honest with you, it has not passed 1 day that I have thought about death as my way out, but for some reason, I am still here.

Sometimes the feeling is very overwhelming, sometimes it isn’t, but I just wish it never was.  I remember the days when I could live my life without feeling sad, although having said that, my first suicide attempt was when I was 15.  I have never been one to cut myself.  I am an overdose person.  I like the idea of going to sleep and not waking up again, and that is it.  Unlike some of you, I don’t have scars to show.  I have a friend who has scars all over her body.  She would write things in her stomach with knifes, so the scar would stay forever there to remind her.  When one of her dear friends died, she cut a cross sign in her upper arm, also to remind her of it.  Only once I was pushed to the edge and almost cut my wrists.  Although I did have blood, it was not deep enough to leave a scar.

I think my scars are more emotional than physical.  I keep telling myself that I am not worthy of anything.  My ex-husband used me.  The man I love with all my heart will not do what needs to be done for us to be together.  Someone else I met, that could potentially help me get out of this dilemma is not interested in me.  All in all, people say how pretty I am, but the truth is, I am not worth it.  Sometimes I am happy with that.  Sometimes I am not.  I know in the bottom of my heart that my cats are happy living with me, but sometimes I doubt myself.

When I was little, my dad used to come home drunk every single night.  We had a little dog called Blondy.  She was a beautiful Pekinese, but a little dumb is you ask me!  My dad would do horrible things to her, so of course, each time she heard his car coming, she would hide, just like the rest of us.  He is not cruel to animals, but would do silly things to her.  Sometimes, when I am drinking, I am very aware as to how I treat my cats.  I would hate it if they went to hide as soon as they saw me with a glass in my hand.  Thankfully, they are always all over me, so I suppose it is a good sign that I am not cruel to them when I drink.

I feel sad, I feel helpless and I feel hopeless.  I try to see a future, but I can’t see my life without this illness.  It has been far too long since I have been feeling this way, and I just can’t help but ask whether it will go away.

So tired....

Well, it has now been almost a week since that awful day when I decided to end it all.  Good news is that I finally started sorting out my will.  I have been trying to do it for a long time, but never really got around to do it.  Having said that, I have found it more than difficult to get up and going this time, than the last time I had such a down day.  It seems that when I am almost convinced that I am starting to get better, the very next day I have a very down day.  It seems to match the intensity as well, since last Wednesday I felt like I was on top of the world, and Thursday I wanted to end it all.

The doctor has seen me again and has again changed my drugs.  It seems these are quicker to take effect, which honestly, is what I need.  I am not expecting a miracle, but just to feel a bit more comfortable with myself.  Yesterday I was just sat here and remembered that I had stopped smoking 15 years ago with the help of hypnosis, and wondered why this method is not used to help with the worse cases out there.  I do understand that hypnosis is a temporary measure only, but I am sure it can help people like us to get through the most terrible moments.  I went to the website of Kenneth Grossman, who was the one who helped me and many others to stop smoking, and although it is not listed in these programs, I did email him and it turns out that he does have a CD program called Hypnosis for Depression - Living with Joy, Hope and Optimism.  I am seriously thinking of giving this a try.  After all, if it doesn’t do good, it won’t do bad either.

On another note, I have a problem with the “men” in my life.  Graham is an important part of my life, but we are cursed, in the sense that we cannot be together.  He has guilt issues, and is not willing to do what it takes to get what he wants.  Basically, he was the cause of my first suicide attempt.  We had lived together for 9,5 months, which to be honest, were the worst of my life, but I still feel I love him. When he left me, I knew it was for the best, but I was just not used to living on my own, and I found the walls of my prison were falling on top of me.  I could not handle the immense sense of sadness I was facing, and confused and very, very drunk, I decided it would be a good idea to end everything.  And that was the day, 9^th May 2009.  Although time has passed, he is still an important part of my life today.  I know we should have left well enough alone, but neither of us wants to go through the suffering of separating. I do find that when he annoys me, or doesn’t keep his word (which is very, very often), I tend to get worse with my depression.  I am trying hard for this not to affect me anymore, but I am finding it difficult.

On the other hand, there is someone else, that although I have only seen him once, we have spoken quite a lot on Facebook and the day I met him, we sat and had a coffee together.  He has such a big heart, that I think I fell in love straight away with him.  I am a sucker for men with big heart, and as usual, he has had crap women around him, just wanting his money and that is it.  I was very scared to share my depression problem with him, but it turns out that he has been really good, and it turns out that he is having some issues of his own as well.  He went on holiday about 2 weeks ago, and came back on Monday, and we were supposed to talk about meeting this coming weekend, but he has not been in touch.  Unfortunately, that is getting me a bit sad, since I was very much looking forward to seeing him, but I really don’t want to push.

Anyway, it has been a hard few days forcing myself to get out of bed and doing things, although tiny, they have shown to be a victory in my state of mind.