Having a little baby at home!

I forgot all about what it is to have a little baby cat!  I got Sparky on Monday after a very rushed decision, although I am certain it is my survival instincts making me have an excuse to live longer that I really want to.  It’s like the will.  I didn’t sign it for months just to have an excuse not to kill myself “yet”.

On the other hand, I still have a headache.  On Sunday, it will be 3 weeks since I’ve had it, and I am tired of it.  I thought it might have been one of the side effects for Cipralex, but after this time it should have gone away by now.  I will be calling the CMHT to verify whether Cipralex is causing this or not.

Tomorrow my aunt will be having her engagement party.  I am very happy for her since she had a very hard time trying to reach this point in her life, but on the other hand, I must admit I feel quite depressed, since I am still alone, and no one is even close to be a “potential” partner.  I have tried to brainwash myself saying that I am better on my own, since my first marriage was a disaster and my attempt to live with Graham was a complete nightmare, and now that I have the “peace” of mind, I can’t help but feel that I would love to have some kind of companion close to me.

I think this is why I got Sparky.  The spirit of a kitten, playful, running from one end of the flat to the other, cuddling with me at night and seeking as much attention as he can, is proving to be refreshing for me.  He puts a smile in my face and makes me feel good.  I can’t believe this life is my responsibility, and I want to give him everything so he is happy here.  I must say, Tigre and Mota are not the happiest, but they have accepted him, and that is enough for me.  About a year ago, I failed trying to integrate another cat in the house, although she was an old female as well, and to top things up, she was deaf!  I tried to follow every rule and advise about how to integrate a kitten to older cats, and so far, it has worked wonderfully!

It is still hard for me to go out, and all I want to do is stay home in bed, hoping for this headache to go away.  I am feeling very drained, both physically and emotionally of carrying this constant pain day and night.  Not being able to do anything, because as soon as I bend over and get up again, my head is pounding, life if my heart was in there!

Let’s see what the CMHT say....

Migraines!

Day 3 of diet and I have still stuck to it! But day 11 with a migraine.  Since I was very young I suffered with migraines and it has caused severe disruption in my day to day life.  About 3 years ago the company I work for said they could not put up with it anymore and that I had to do something about it.  What could I do?  I do not decide to have a migraine!!!  I went to my GP and explained the extent of the problems this was causing me so we started a series of strategies.  I started taking Beta Blockers and it seemed to improve a little bit, but it didn’t help with my depression, in fact, it was making me worse.

So the GP took me off the Beta Blockers and changed the pill for me, meaning that I should not have a period at all.  This was kind of good news for me because my migraines were worse when I had my period and seemed to be triggered by that.  I started taking this new pill and although I still had very little period in the beginning, eventually it went away completely and my migraines were very much gone as well!  I was very happy and relieved, although to get to this it took me about a year and a half of trying.  Now and then I can get headaches, but nothing compared to what I used to. 

This time is different.  I have had this migraine for 11 days now, and it is very exhausting.  I cannot even ascertain if my depression is improving because the migraine is taking all the energy out of me.  I wonder sometimes if this migraine is because I increased the Cipralex to 20mg?  I saw my doctor a couple of days ago and she said it was very difficult to say, since it could be several things:  withdrawal from alcohol, period related (I had some spots of blood, which could be my period), or sinusitis.  I don’t think it is alcohol withdrawal since I only stopped drinking last Friday, and I have had this migraines since the Sunday before that.  It could be period related and it could be sinusitis.  I have started using the sinusitis spray to see if it improves.

Last night it was really bad, and I could not sleep because of the migraines.  I joke to my mom and say if I was a horse, they would have shot me by now!  Sometimes I wish I was a horse......

I want that part of me back

It was the 21^st October of 1990 when I started working.  I was only 17, although I would be 18 the next month.  I had this dream of being a high management person within a big and important company.  Never thought about marrying, or having children, or getting old for that matter.  I suppose when we are young, we don’t think about getting old.  But I tell you, what I never thought was that I would suffer from depression.

My father was an alcoholic since I could remember.  I remember being a child waking up in the middle of the night him shouting at my mom and calling her names, only because he was drunk and had hidden some money away and couldn’t remember where he put it.  One day he got home from work and he had found a pistol in one of the fridges he was fixing (so he claims).  That is when things got a bit worse, since he thought he was God only because he had a gun.  Sometimes, if he got home drunk and pissed off, he would get the gun and go out.  We didn’t know where he went, what he did, or if he would come back.  He did, every time.

Since then, mom and I were afraid each time his car got near the house.  We didn’t know whether he would be drunk or not, but only just in case, we would be in our best behaviour.  I hated growing up like that, so I got stronger and stronger with the years, only by resenting.

Once, I remember mom and dad were arguing and he got the gun out and pointed it to my mom.  I honestly thought that that was it, that everything was going to end that day.  He didn’t pull the trigger, but I grew up resenting him for doing that.  On another occasion they were both arguing again and he said that he never loved me, or wanted me.  I can never forget that day for some reason.  I was only about 6, but those words hit me so hard in my heart.  I grew up resenting him because of that.

I was 18 already when one night I got home just about 8pm and he went mental.  He called me every name under the sun and threw a punch at my face.  I was so furious, I just got up and looked at him in the eye and said either he gets tired of punching me, or I would drop dead, it was his choice.  Of course he punched me again and to my surprise, mom didn’t do anything.

On another occasion I fell down some stairs and hurt my ankle and could not walk, and only had money either for the taxi or the medication I needed, so called home to see if dad was in.  Mom asked him and he said he didn’t feel like going out.  I was furious again and I bought my medication and took the bus back home, having to walk a few miles from the bus stop home.  When I got home I confronted him and said if he was not a dad to help me out when I needed him, he could not be a dad to punch me again.  From that day, I grew rebel to his behaviour and took control of home.  I was so strong, determined, fearless, nothing could stop me then, only until hallucinations took over his mind.  I completely broke down since there was no logic way of me taking back control of things.

I wish I was that strong again.  I wish I had that determination.  Was it anger and resentment that made it come into me in the first place?  Who knows, but those few years that I experienced being on top of the world, were like no other, and I miss them.

With this story of my life I just want to point out that I don’t mean to belittle anyone’s courage for living their lives with depression, and I am sorry if I offended any of you.  What I mean is that at one point in my life I did experience that strong and determined person, and it is very hard for me to accept that I have this illness and that I will have it for the rest of my life.  

First Psychiatric appointment

Well, today I had the appointment I so much had been looking forward to.  I was really nervous this morning in anticipation as to what his diagnosis would be.  When I got to the hospital, the lady at the reception desk said she didn’t have me in the list, and for one second I thought the world was coming down on me.  Fortunately, everything was alright and Dr Walbridge called me in at 10:00am sharp.

He started asking the normal questions, as to how I am feeling, what side effects and then went into more details about my drinking habits and my childhood.  Of course I told him that my dad is an alcoholic, and so was my grandmother, as well as depressive and attempted suicide a few times too.  He then wanted to know more about my drinking habits.  To be honest, I do drink quite a lot, and for the wrong reasons.  Although I know that alcohol is a depressant, I still can’t stop drinking.  My mom, who was with me, asked if this was something that could “run in the family”, since my dad and grandmother were both alcoholics.  He said that although they are not hereditary, they DO run in the family and it makes me more vulnerable than normal to depression, and in his view, I have had recurrent depression since I was a teenager.

After much talk, he “prescribed” me 3 things:  Cipralex 20mg, refrain from alcohol (for now), and exercise 3 times a week.  The Cipralex is not a problem. I just need to ride off the side effects that I have.  Refraining from alcohol will be a challenge.  I think this will be the hardest and if I can’t, then I will have to live with the realisation that I, as well as my dad and grandmother, am an alcoholic as well.  Exercise might be another challenge.  When I get up in the morning, I don’t feel like doing anything, just sleep all day, will be very difficult to get it going, but I will certainly give it a try.

I asked him if I would suffer with depression all my life.  He said I will always be vulnerable and probably will always have to take medication for it.  That suddenly hit me.  I will have this illness for the rest of my life.  I will never be able to live a “normal” life again.  I will always have to be aware of what is happening around me, and probably not be able to enjoy a drink again.  That begs questions like, do I really want to live a life like this?  Will I ever be able to find a man who will be kind enough to understand my illness?

I can see my life being a lonely, bitter, insecure woman who will live in her dark flat for the rest of her life, and suddenly, I don’t like that picture.  Although Cipralex has removed the suicidal part of me, I still feel tempted to end this seemingly insignificant and sad life that awaits me.  However, I feel very guilty for thinking this way when my mom and sister are so worried about me.

I suppose I still need to “digest” the information given today.  Dr Walbridge wants to see me again in 8 weeks to see how much progress I have made.  I feel the challenge will be the next few days.....

Another set back :o(

There I was, thinking that at last the medication was starting to work and that everything was going to get better.  I hate it when I am wrong and I am tired of feeling this way.  I have been doing so well the last few days, getting up with energy, tiding up my flat, going out for walks, and today, it took me so long to wake up and now that I am up, I have a headache and just want to sleep.  It might be side effects of upping the dose to 20mg.  Just read the leaflet, and the side effects I am having are:

·         Fatigue

·         Increased sweating

·         Blocked or runny nose

·         Restlessness

·         Dry mouth

·         Sexual disturbances

·         Difficulty breathing

·         Abdominal muscle pain

The truth is, I don’t mind the side effects if they ultimately help me with my illness.  It has been a long 9 months now since I have been feeling like I want to die.

I was so hopeful, and this relapse makes me feel that the solution is nowhere near.  I just want this to stop.  I want to go back to my life.  I want to be able to smile again without any thought of worthlessness. 

Is it really working?

Well, it seems something is working.  Whether it’s the medication, or I have changed my way of thinking, I am not sure.

When I upped my dose of Cipralex to 15mg about 4 weeks ago, I still felt lonely, sad, hopeless, unworthy and a sense of nothingness, but at least the suicidal thoughts were not there anymore.  I was still not happy with the results because before taking Cipralex, at least I would go out and walk every day and would try to do things.  In the last 2-3 weeks, I have been giving in to my feeling of not doing anything and found myself spending most of the time in my flat, not going out and doing nothing at all.  I then decided last Thursday that I would up my dose to 20mg, which is what the CMHT recommended, and I think (fingers crossed) it is starting to work (or at least that is what I feel). 

I have had a couple of episodes where I have been on top of the world one day, and then the next I am right in the bottom again, but in the last few days, I have felt well but with a sense of carefulness, and it seems to be staying levelled.  Of course I was very afraid that I would be at the bottom the next day, so decided to proceed with precaution about my thoughts and actions, but the next days, I have woken up feeling quite energetic, which is something I haven’t felt for quite a while.

I will not sing victory just as yet, and I am really looking forward to my appointment this Friday with the Psychiatrist at the CMHT.  I don’t want to fall into a sense of false security.  I want to be absolutely, 100% sure that I am on the road to recovery and to getting my life back!

Wish me luck!

Cipralex - wishing for more!

Because I was feeling increasingly suicidal, I upped my dose of Cipralex from 10mg to 15mg (after speaking to my doctor, of course!) about a month ago, and although it has taken off the suicidal part of me, I feel I am now giving in more to the hopeless, sad, worthless side of me and when before I would get up and go out to walk, I don’t feel like it anymore.  Before, I would get up in the morning, make plans for the day and be out and about by 9:30am the latest!  I would listen to motivational CD’s, I would read inspirational books, but now, I am just not interested in one bit of it.

I am really looking forward to next Friday 10^th June when I have my appointment with the CMHT.  I really hope they can get the medication balanced for me to go back to my “normal” life again.  I do wonder whether I will have a “normal” life.  My head gets filled up with ideas of how I will be lonely for the rest of my life, how I don’t want to live until old age, how there is nothing for me anymore out there, and of course that takes me to the part where I think, what the hell am I doing here anyway?

I toy a lot with the idea of selling everything and take a trip around the world.  That is something they do a lot in this country, but honestly, it doesn’t really push my buttons.  I think I would probably do it to see if I can find a reason to live.  Since I got to this country everything has been sadness, tears and frustration so I am desperate to find a way out of all of it.

I hold very fond memories of my life in Venezuela, where I had lots of friends and had great times too, but I do know that those memories live in the past Venezuela, and not the one that exists today.  I miss my friends, I miss the parties, I miss Christmas, I miss my life there, although saying that, I had lots of episodes where I wish I were dead.  My first attempt of suicide was when I was about 15, so somewhere in my head there is also memories of the bad times I lived there.  I remember being in hospital for over a week trying to find out what was causing my “mioclonic” attacks, which turns out that were panic attacks in the end.

The recommendation of the CMHT was for me to start taking 20mg of Cipralex, but they asked me to wait until it was properly prescribed by my GP.  When I went to see him, I had already started the 15mg and was having the side effects, such as tight chest, abdominal pains, etc., so he suggested for me to stay on the 15mg for now.  The side effects have gone now, but I feel so worthless, that I decided to start taking the 20mg, as originally recommended, so I am expecting more side effects in the next few days.

Do I have any future?

Almost a month!  But what a rollercoaster it has been.  I have been up and down and all over the place.  I finally got the letter and I will have an appointment with a Psychiatrist on 10^th of June.  I just can’t wait!

I just read my two last blogs and to be truthful, nothing much has changed.  I pretty much keep my feelings to myself since I don’t want mom and my sister worrying too much about me.  I go out with them and put my happy face on, and although I might have a good time, I always come back to the same old flat.  I find the most difficult time of the day for me is the mornings.  I struggle to get up and go, and lately I have been giving in into my deep feeling of unworthiness.

Last Thursday I had a great day.  I had things done, was very proud that I at least got out and had some walking done and had great plans for the next day, where I set up my alarm really early in the morning to get up and do some exercise.  I was absolutely over the world and I didn’t have one drop of alcohol!  I should have seen the signs though.  The next day, I was really, really down.  I suppose one of the things the medication is doing for me is that I am not suicidal, but the pain in my chest was still very hurtful.  I keep thinking that I need to get some goals and have something to live for, but each time I sit with pen and paper in my hand, I just can’t come up with anything.  I can’t see me living over 40, and if I keep going like this, I will not reach 38!

I sit down and think the things I have lost to this illness, and it is just too overwhelming sometimes. Yes, my marriage didn’t work from the very beginning, and I wouldn’t say I lost it because of my illness, but things became very difficult at times because of it.  I think if I hadn’t been so numb by depression, I would have done something sooner to ease things for both of us.  Now I am here, on my own, and Felix (my ex-husband) struggles himself with his life.  He has no direction, and I know it is not my fault, but I somehow feel responsible for his outcome.  That is another issue I have, but will not go into much detail about it.

One night I dreamt that all my Venezuelan friends were waiting for me and we had a great party!  I used to have parties at my flat and there would be sometimes more than 30 people!  As you can imagine, it was sometimes difficult to walk around, be we used to have so much fun.  Since I’ve been to England, I can count “friends” with the fingers of one hand, and even though, I have lost some of them due to this illness.  One special one I lost, who also turned out to be the love of my life.  When we separated over 2 years ago, it was hard, because not only I lost the love of my life, but also my best friend.  Somehow, we kept seeing each other and although the relationship is very complicated, I felt that at least I still had my friend.  When I was really down on Thursday, I decided that I would tell him how I felt, and oh boy, what a mistake.  I didn’t hear from him for the next 3 days!!!  I think what hurts the most if feel how someone falls out of love with you.  It is a horrible feeling and it never happened to me before.

Now, I feel lonelier than ever before.  I was so upset yesterday after HE got mad at me because I refused to answer his phone calls that I drank myself to sleep at 6pm.  I left my phones in the lounge so of course when my mom called, I could not hear them and she got all worried.  The first thing she did was call him to see if he had seen me.  I am tired of this “relationship”.  It feels like I am self destructing myself staying in touch with him, but don’t have the guts to ask him to leave me alone either.

When mom finally got to my flat and found me sound asleep in my bedroom, she felt relieved, but when I got up I saw her husband (who is not my dad, of course), and somehow I felt like he hated me for making my mom go through all this.  It might be this illness that is playing with my mind, but I don’t feel comfortable going to my mom’s either now.  Sometimes the day can go by, and the only ones I speak to are my cats!

I want my life back, I want to be that girl who used to enjoy life and was not afraid of anything.  I have even toyed with the idea of selling everything and go around the world and see if I can find peace for myself.  But I can’t bear the thought of leaving my cats and something happening to them. I feel trapped.  I want to go back to work, but I can’t.  I want to feel better, but I can’t.  It is becoming very hard to want to stay alive, and worst of all, not having nothing to live for.