Headaches, and feeling fed up

It has been a tough few weeks for me.  My headaches have come back, and I had to spend 3 days in hospital last week because of them.

At the beginning of the year I had a bout of headaches that lasted 9 weeks.  I felt frustrated and fed up, with doctors prescribing medications that were not really working.  I did everything that I could think of, and since the pain sometimes came from mi sinuses I started doing nasal irrigations twice a day.  It seemed it helped and my headaches became better, until I didn’t have them anymore.

Now they are back, and I tried the same technique, but this time without luck.  I have taken off over 17 days from work because of this, and I don’t think my employer will be happy if I keep taking more days off because of them.  I have this week off holiday, so I am going to force my GP to refer me to a specialist (not sure what kind, neurologist perhaps?), and try sort this issue once and for all!

The other thing that has me angry, and maybe sad, is the fact that I feel no one listens to me.  My mom is going through a rough patch at work with her boss turning to her and being a bully, and I kept telling her that I could see the signs of depression kicking in and that she needed to go to the doctor’s and either take some time off, or take some medication to calm her down.  She was really stubborn and dismissed everything I said, and said that she was going to be OK, etc.  I called her every day for a week begging her to go to the doctors but she wouldn’t.  Friday things got quite bad and it only took my sister to tell her once and she went without kicking or screaming.

Now, how is that supposed to make me feel?  On the other hand, I should be used to it, because my ex-husband and my ex-partner were the same.  I could say something 100 times, and they would not believe me or take any notice, but it only took someone else to say the same thing, and they would agree or believe without quibble.  I wonder what it is that makes people think that I am not saying the truth?  I had this “game” with my ex where I used to say “rule No. 1: Linda is always right”, so when the moment came where what I said was proven to be right, rule No. 1 would come into place.

It is true what they say that the people closest to you are the ones that hurt you the most.  I have had this history of my mother favouring my sister over me so many times.  Everything is her, and they sometimes leave me out of the picture, and it hurts.  So in this occasion, with the doctor’s situation it has really hurt me that no one takes what I say into account.  I may be suffering with depression, but that doesn’t make me a liar.  Today I went out with her and granddad, and I felt really angry towards her for not taking what I said into account.  I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

Anyway, I am sure as time goes by, I will again be hurt by the people I love the most, only because I try to get closer to them, or try to help him in some way.  I never learn…..

Spoke too soon...

It seems that I spoke to quick.  The last couple of days I have not feeling my best.  It might be that my stomach is playing up.  Not surprised though, since I have been eating a pack (300grms) of Minstrels a day for the last few months!  I am addicted to the stuff, and I am sure it cannot be good for me.  I have now finished all that I had at home, so have the drink, so will try to keep both at bay.  My stomach is suffering, in turn causing me a headache, in turn making me feel rubbish.

I haven’t been to work, but mostly because I feel sick.  Any smells make me want to vomit, and I hate vomiting.  I slept most of the day yesterday, but in the evening, as it was to be expected, I was not tired, so kept up until midnight, drinking….  I know I shouldn’t, but I had an urge to do it, although I felt like I wanted to be sick.  I feel so disconnected from everything.  I just don’t want to be here.  I made a list of feelings yesterday, whilst I was eating:

DEPRESSION

DEATH

ILLNESS

PAIN

LOSS

LONELINESS

SUFFERING

SUICIDE

SADNESS

DESPAIR

OVERDOSE

DESINTEREST

I feel all this in one single day.  I just don’t have interest in anything.  Sometimes I think I don’t want to work, but then, what would I do all day?  Probably think of ways to kill myself.

I suppose there ARE some good news.  I received a letter from my GP.  They are helping researchers to find out more about treatments for depression and they would like me to participate.  The research is looking at how to help people who are suffering from depression and for whom anti-depressant medication alone doesn’t seem to help.  They want to compare Radically Open Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (shortened to RO-DBT) to standard treatment that can be currently be accessed through the system.  I will reply that I want to take part.  I want to be that girl who had goals, desires and things to look forward to, and I will try anything to get there.

Not sure when this will start, but I am very much looking forward to it.

Tapering seems to be working!

Well, it looks like tapering the meds is working.  Although my step-granddad died on Wednesday, I was back to work the next day.  I seemed to have dealt with my anger and sadness more effectively than I would have done before.  Sadly, I had a migraine on Friday and as a consequence of taking so many painkillers, my stomach has been a bit “delicate” since.

I have now stopped completely the Quetiapine.  I thought I would have problems sleeping, but I have been OK.  I am down to 15mg of Escitalopram, and going further down to 12.5mg next Tuesday.  I haven’t told my doctor yet, but since I need to get a new prescription soon, I might ask him to give me the 10mg tablets, instead of the 20mg.  That way it should be easier to cut the tablets for the tapering.

One of the stupid things I was doing whilst in the “rollercoaster”, was spend money for any stupid thing.  I started running out of savings, so was very strict in what I was spending the money, but it seems that “necessary” things are now appearing, like I had to get 2 new tyres for my car.  That was over £200 last month that I wasn’t budgeting for, and now this month my boiler started playing up, so £350 again, that I hadn’t budgeted for.

I still have to take Tigre and Mota for their annual vaccinations, which is about £100 for both of them.  Also, Jenny (the budgie) had conjunctivitis, which needed a trip to the vets, and that was £40.  The more I try not to spend money, more things come up that I need to fix.  That is getting me a bit down, but I suppose it could be worse.  At least I have a good job and I enjoy it there, although sometimes I don’t have enough work to keep me busy all day.  Not all can be perfect, hah!

Love life, well, the same.  I have been on my own since May 2009, although on and off with my ex, who happens to be the plumber, electrician and builder I use if something goes wrong.  We are friends now, if you can call it that.  We only really speak if there is something wrong in my flat that needs fixing.  He used to be my “best” friend.  If I was down, he would be there for me and would try and understand my illness.  But on Wednesday, when I really needed him, he wasn’t there, so I have decided to treat him like any other “handy man” and pay for the work he does.  He didn’t want to charge labour for fixing my boiler, but I insisted because I want things to be crystal clear between us.

Friends, well, none to talk about.  I thought Julie would be there for me, but she isn’t really.  I spoke to her earlier this year when I had one of my down moments, but haven’t heard from her since.  She would say “call me if you need me”, but as you will agree, sometimes it is nice for them just to call you out of the blue to ask how you are.  So in that front, nothing either.

All in all, I am on my own, literally.  My mom is there, but again, she doesn’t really understand this illness.  My sister, well, I think we didn’t speak for months, but we never speak about me, my illness or how I am feeling.  She gets frustrated and retreats.

It seems I made this post about moaning!  But really, I just wanted to update you on how the tapering of the meds is going.  I might throw a moan here and there, but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t!

What is fair about life?

I wrote in my previous post that there is one thing constant: CHANGE.  Everything changes.  Nothing stays the same.  No matter how much we want it to stay the same. 

That job I was talking about, not anymore.  At the end of last year they decided to get rid of me.  It seems that it was carefully planned, but then again, it might not have been.  They made lots of people redundant, and one of them was me.  I was devastated because it is a good company to work for, but I was relieved that I didn’t have to put up with the bully anymore.  Got a decent redundancy package, and I claimed a bit more for all the crap the bully put me through.

I was lucky enough to find another job and started in January, so really didn’t have to use any of the redundancy money to live on.  I must say, my new boss is lovely.  Gentle, understanding and nice man, who only wants the best for his people.  I am lucky to have him as a boss.

Unfortunately, I had a couple of relapses at the beginning of the year.  Not sure why, but I just felt like there was nothing for me here.  They prescribed me Quetiapine, an antipsychotic.  It really didn’t help much, other than the sleep issue.

I spent 3 days where I don’t know what happened.  I overdosed, but what it did was space me out and apparently I was just a zombie.  Awake, but I don’t remember anything.  Mom told me about things I did, that I would normally not do.  I was definitely spaced out.  That is when I decided that I am going to get off the meds.  I have had enough of this nightmare.  I am relapsing more and more, and I think it has everything to do with the meds.  So a few weeks back, I started tapering the doses. I was on Escitalopram 20mg and Quetiapine 25mg.  Now I am on Escitalopram 15mg and Quetiapine 6.25mg (1/4 of a 25mg pill).  I am feeling much more emotionally stable and all in all, happier.

Until this morning.  I am angry with life.  My mom’s father in law (who is not my granddad) passed away in the early hours of this morning.  He lost his battle with cancer.  It started in the bowels, then it went to his lungs and ended in his brain.  The last few months he has been struggling big time.  Unfair really, because he was such a gentle, caring man who wanted to live. 

Since I was a teenager, all I wanted to do is die.  Even now, I don’t want to live.  Yet I have health, but I can’t give it to the people who really want to live.  How unfair is that?  I was in rage this morning, crying so much that I had to come back home from work.  Drank myself to sleep and I am a bit calmer now.  But I still feel life is unfair.  How come people who are evil, have health?  How come criminals have health?  I know innocent people die every day, but for people like me, that don’t want to live, why can’t we pass our health to the people who deserve to live?

I suppose I needed to get this off my chest.  I know there are people out there that are worse off than me.  And I honestly feel bad, because I have health, a roof over my head, a good job, lovely pets and a family that cares about me, yet I feel miserable.  At least I am not suicidal.  I think tapering the meds is helping.  I will try and keep you all posted on how that comes along.

In the meantime, good night everyone.