How much longer?

I’ve been thinking, and life sucks!  I’ve had a few weeks really crap, but even before that I have been having trouble getting energy to do anything.  I get up in the morning, try and get ready and as the day goes by, my energy levels go down, and down, to the point where I need to sleep, sometimes all afternoon.  And when 10:00pm arrives, again I am exhausted and my eyes close on their own, and when I think back as to what I have done all day, the answer is only one: NOTHING!

I don’t know where this lack of energy is coming from, I don’t know why I don’t feel like doing anything.  I went to my doctor and he feels that it is linked to my mood and he decided that Cipralex is not working for me anymore, so he has asked me to reduce the dose from 20mg down to 10mg and take Venlafaxine 75mg.  I still wish I was dead.  I don’t think it matters how many times they change my medication, the truth is I have wanted to be dead since I was a teenager.  Always have and I think I always will.  Sometimes more than others, but the fact remains the same.

The truth is I am petrified.  I don’t feel confident enough to go back to work, but I can’t keep going the way I am.  Very soon I am not going to be able to pay the bills and the least I want is to be a burden for my family.  I have shared this with my mom, but she insist that I am not a burden for her, that she will always be there for me, but the truth is that it should be me looking after her, not the other way around!

My head if full of ideas and thoughts, but unfortunately none of them are constructive.  It doesn’t matter how many “positive” books I read, how many “inspirational” CD’s I listen to, at the end of the day, I still feel the same.  I don’t want to, but I do.

Giving up

I have had a very rough week.  I was very upset after what happened with my friend Jackie, and I told her so on Saturday night.  I told her that I was worried sick and that she didn’t need to stay in the streets with all the dangers out there, that there are people that love her and care for her.  I was upset, and I only thought about what I was feeling, and I forgot that she was very vulnerable, and she just fell into a very deep depression.  I can’t help but feel responsible for this and I keep thinking that I don’t want to hurt people, but I keep doing it.

Since Tuesday, when I went to see her and she was completely gone in her mind, I keep thinking about all the people I have hurt.  My mother, who married my father and stayed with him for 30 horrible years of agony because of me; my sister, who feels that I have stolen her mother’s love; Felix, who’s heart I broke and lured him out of his safety family net; Graham, who left his family because of me and hurt them.

I just feel that I don’t deserve to live, or probably I do, just to pay for all the hurt and suffering that I have caused.  I pray every day for God to take my life.  I pray for a horrible disease to kill me as quick as possible.  I pray for my heart to stop without any input by me.  I don’t want to commit suicide because it will hurt my family too much, so instead, I pray every single day for something to happen to me, so my life can end without me having to do it.

I have been on medication for over 4 months now and I still feel the pain, the inconsolable helpless feeling inside my heart.  I have nothing to be proud of.  My cats are all I have and I care about them, but I just don’t want to live anymore.  I want the pain to go away, I want to lose my mind and not remember who I am and what I have done.  I always wanted to think of myself as a good person, but the truth is, I am not.  I am a parasite and I should be eliminated.  

Angry, sad and depressed.....

Today, this is the way I feel.  I have a friend, Jackie, who also has mental illness.  A few years ago she jumped a bridge, and she survived.  She broke a few bones, was in hospital for a while, but survived.  I would say that she is that kind of person that comes from a background that helped to get her illness worse.  She was married to a soldier who used to hit her quite a lot.  Once, being pregnant he hit her right in her stomach!  After several years of mistreating, she finally decided to leave him, but because of her mental illness history, he won the kids custody.

Since then, she met Richard, whom she married in August last year.  He was born with cerebral palsy, so he is disabled himself.  All in all, they make a good couple, but sometimes I get the impression that Jackie is more a servant than a wife to Richard.  She called me Thursday night, at about 9pm very upset that she had had an argument with Richard.  It seems that he was not in a very good mood and started taking it on Jackie.  She was cooking and he asked her why she didn’t cook the potatoes like his mom’s.  Then he will not let her use the washing machine, vacuum, but he expects everything to be clean.

I asked her where she was, several times, but she refused to tell me.  She didn’t want Richard knowing where she was.  I explained that I would not tell him and she could stay the night with me.  She refused.  She hangs up saying that her daughter was calling her.  Then she called me again at 10:20pm, still upset saying that she can’t cope with the situation anymore.  I suggest that she needs some sleep and it would be a good idea to go back home and make a decision in the morning.  She said she was not going back and that she was going to sleep in the street!  I again enquired as to her whereabouts but again, she refused saying that she would be alright.  The last thing she said was that she didn’t want to “be here” anymore.  I know what that means with people like us!

I received a call at 4am from the police asking if I knew where she was.  I had been trying to call her several times, but all the time the phone was switched off.  They thanked me for my help and that is all I knew until the next morning. I tried phoning Richard, I tried home and her mobile but there was no answer from anyone.  I decided to call the police and it turns out that she was found, but was not home since she was waiting to be seen by a “health professional”.  What did that mean?  Was she hurt? Had she tried suicide?  Was she in hospital?  I didn’t have more information and I grew quite upset wondering if there was anything more that I could have done!

At about 9am Richard called me to say that the police had called him at 5am to advise him that they had found her and she was at the police station.  They would not release her on her own and he needed to go and pick her up.  He told him that he was going to work shortly, and he could not do it!

Is it me, or is that wrong? Why did Richard put his work before his wife?  Why did Jackie call me if she really didn’t want my help?

I am quite upset with them both, I am sad to think a husband doesn’t care about his wife and reminded me of my own life a few years back, when Graham put his job before anything else.  I can’t help but wonder whether being on my own is the best thing that can happen to someone like me!

I haven’t spoken to Richard or Jackie yet, I am still quite angry and upset with them, so I will wait until my “compassionate” side is back.

Plodding on...

Well, I am glad to report that my headaches are now very few and far between!  I went to my GP and since I have a history of migraines, he asked me to take Pizotifen every night before bed, and that sure helped my headaches, but what did not help, was my intentions of losing weight.  In the 2 weeks prior to starting the Pizotifen, I had lost 3kgs but as soon as I started the new medication, I put the weight straight on.  It turns out that one of the most common side effects is overeating!!!  I am not sure what is worse though!

On the other hand, the depression seems to be slowly getting under control.  I still have moments of desperation, tears and thoughts, but otherwise, I spend most of my days either sleeping or eating!  I feel so numb, that at night, when I am about to go to bed, I just think that I could take an overdose and not even care about it.  In the past, when I had thought about dying, I was in tears, desperation and not thinking clearly at all, but these days, I just wish I was dead and be so calm, that it can get mistaken by something else.  I think about going back to work, but then I don’t want to because I am scared of what they might think, and worry if I have another breakdown.

At the moment, I am enjoying Sparky’s young age.  He is so full of energy, runs up and down, plays all day, even my other two cats sometimes feel that he is too much to handle!  But I love the fact that I am here at that critical age and he has really come to love me.  We cuddle up on the sofa and when it is time for bed, he comes and cuddles as well.

I am working on setting myself some goals.  I think my lack of enthusiasm, energy and complete lethargy is because I have nothing to aim for.  I could happily die tomorrow and not say that “I wish I had done this, or I wish I saw that...”  It seems that my dreams had been sucked away by some kind of monster that doesn’t want me to have nothing more than I already have.  I can’t really complain, which is sometimes the issue, but on the other hand, I need to have something to look forward to.

My fear sometimes consumes me, and I don’t allow myself to think nothing because I want to avoid being disappointed.  I need to move on, I need to find that “something” that is going to make me take risks, do the unimaginable, run a mile, be healthy and feel fit to take on life!

Until then, I will just keep on plodding.....