Headaches, and feeling fed up

It has been a tough few weeks for me.  My headaches have come back, and I had to spend 3 days in hospital last week because of them.

At the beginning of the year I had a bout of headaches that lasted 9 weeks.  I felt frustrated and fed up, with doctors prescribing medications that were not really working.  I did everything that I could think of, and since the pain sometimes came from mi sinuses I started doing nasal irrigations twice a day.  It seemed it helped and my headaches became better, until I didn’t have them anymore.

Now they are back, and I tried the same technique, but this time without luck.  I have taken off over 17 days from work because of this, and I don’t think my employer will be happy if I keep taking more days off because of them.  I have this week off holiday, so I am going to force my GP to refer me to a specialist (not sure what kind, neurologist perhaps?), and try sort this issue once and for all!

The other thing that has me angry, and maybe sad, is the fact that I feel no one listens to me.  My mom is going through a rough patch at work with her boss turning to her and being a bully, and I kept telling her that I could see the signs of depression kicking in and that she needed to go to the doctor’s and either take some time off, or take some medication to calm her down.  She was really stubborn and dismissed everything I said, and said that she was going to be OK, etc.  I called her every day for a week begging her to go to the doctors but she wouldn’t.  Friday things got quite bad and it only took my sister to tell her once and she went without kicking or screaming.

Now, how is that supposed to make me feel?  On the other hand, I should be used to it, because my ex-husband and my ex-partner were the same.  I could say something 100 times, and they would not believe me or take any notice, but it only took someone else to say the same thing, and they would agree or believe without quibble.  I wonder what it is that makes people think that I am not saying the truth?  I had this “game” with my ex where I used to say “rule No. 1: Linda is always right”, so when the moment came where what I said was proven to be right, rule No. 1 would come into place.

It is true what they say that the people closest to you are the ones that hurt you the most.  I have had this history of my mother favouring my sister over me so many times.  Everything is her, and they sometimes leave me out of the picture, and it hurts.  So in this occasion, with the doctor’s situation it has really hurt me that no one takes what I say into account.  I may be suffering with depression, but that doesn’t make me a liar.  Today I went out with her and granddad, and I felt really angry towards her for not taking what I said into account.  I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

Anyway, I am sure as time goes by, I will again be hurt by the people I love the most, only because I try to get closer to them, or try to help him in some way.  I never learn…..

Spoke too soon...

It seems that I spoke to quick.  The last couple of days I have not feeling my best.  It might be that my stomach is playing up.  Not surprised though, since I have been eating a pack (300grms) of Minstrels a day for the last few months!  I am addicted to the stuff, and I am sure it cannot be good for me.  I have now finished all that I had at home, so have the drink, so will try to keep both at bay.  My stomach is suffering, in turn causing me a headache, in turn making me feel rubbish.

I haven’t been to work, but mostly because I feel sick.  Any smells make me want to vomit, and I hate vomiting.  I slept most of the day yesterday, but in the evening, as it was to be expected, I was not tired, so kept up until midnight, drinking….  I know I shouldn’t, but I had an urge to do it, although I felt like I wanted to be sick.  I feel so disconnected from everything.  I just don’t want to be here.  I made a list of feelings yesterday, whilst I was eating:

DEPRESSION

DEATH

ILLNESS

PAIN

LOSS

LONELINESS

SUFFERING

SUICIDE

SADNESS

DESPAIR

OVERDOSE

DESINTEREST

I feel all this in one single day.  I just don’t have interest in anything.  Sometimes I think I don’t want to work, but then, what would I do all day?  Probably think of ways to kill myself.

I suppose there ARE some good news.  I received a letter from my GP.  They are helping researchers to find out more about treatments for depression and they would like me to participate.  The research is looking at how to help people who are suffering from depression and for whom anti-depressant medication alone doesn’t seem to help.  They want to compare Radically Open Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (shortened to RO-DBT) to standard treatment that can be currently be accessed through the system.  I will reply that I want to take part.  I want to be that girl who had goals, desires and things to look forward to, and I will try anything to get there.

Not sure when this will start, but I am very much looking forward to it.

Tapering seems to be working!

Well, it looks like tapering the meds is working.  Although my step-granddad died on Wednesday, I was back to work the next day.  I seemed to have dealt with my anger and sadness more effectively than I would have done before.  Sadly, I had a migraine on Friday and as a consequence of taking so many painkillers, my stomach has been a bit “delicate” since.

I have now stopped completely the Quetiapine.  I thought I would have problems sleeping, but I have been OK.  I am down to 15mg of Escitalopram, and going further down to 12.5mg next Tuesday.  I haven’t told my doctor yet, but since I need to get a new prescription soon, I might ask him to give me the 10mg tablets, instead of the 20mg.  That way it should be easier to cut the tablets for the tapering.

One of the stupid things I was doing whilst in the “rollercoaster”, was spend money for any stupid thing.  I started running out of savings, so was very strict in what I was spending the money, but it seems that “necessary” things are now appearing, like I had to get 2 new tyres for my car.  That was over £200 last month that I wasn’t budgeting for, and now this month my boiler started playing up, so £350 again, that I hadn’t budgeted for.

I still have to take Tigre and Mota for their annual vaccinations, which is about £100 for both of them.  Also, Jenny (the budgie) had conjunctivitis, which needed a trip to the vets, and that was £40.  The more I try not to spend money, more things come up that I need to fix.  That is getting me a bit down, but I suppose it could be worse.  At least I have a good job and I enjoy it there, although sometimes I don’t have enough work to keep me busy all day.  Not all can be perfect, hah!

Love life, well, the same.  I have been on my own since May 2009, although on and off with my ex, who happens to be the plumber, electrician and builder I use if something goes wrong.  We are friends now, if you can call it that.  We only really speak if there is something wrong in my flat that needs fixing.  He used to be my “best” friend.  If I was down, he would be there for me and would try and understand my illness.  But on Wednesday, when I really needed him, he wasn’t there, so I have decided to treat him like any other “handy man” and pay for the work he does.  He didn’t want to charge labour for fixing my boiler, but I insisted because I want things to be crystal clear between us.

Friends, well, none to talk about.  I thought Julie would be there for me, but she isn’t really.  I spoke to her earlier this year when I had one of my down moments, but haven’t heard from her since.  She would say “call me if you need me”, but as you will agree, sometimes it is nice for them just to call you out of the blue to ask how you are.  So in that front, nothing either.

All in all, I am on my own, literally.  My mom is there, but again, she doesn’t really understand this illness.  My sister, well, I think we didn’t speak for months, but we never speak about me, my illness or how I am feeling.  She gets frustrated and retreats.

It seems I made this post about moaning!  But really, I just wanted to update you on how the tapering of the meds is going.  I might throw a moan here and there, but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t!

What is fair about life?

I wrote in my previous post that there is one thing constant: CHANGE.  Everything changes.  Nothing stays the same.  No matter how much we want it to stay the same. 

That job I was talking about, not anymore.  At the end of last year they decided to get rid of me.  It seems that it was carefully planned, but then again, it might not have been.  They made lots of people redundant, and one of them was me.  I was devastated because it is a good company to work for, but I was relieved that I didn’t have to put up with the bully anymore.  Got a decent redundancy package, and I claimed a bit more for all the crap the bully put me through.

I was lucky enough to find another job and started in January, so really didn’t have to use any of the redundancy money to live on.  I must say, my new boss is lovely.  Gentle, understanding and nice man, who only wants the best for his people.  I am lucky to have him as a boss.

Unfortunately, I had a couple of relapses at the beginning of the year.  Not sure why, but I just felt like there was nothing for me here.  They prescribed me Quetiapine, an antipsychotic.  It really didn’t help much, other than the sleep issue.

I spent 3 days where I don’t know what happened.  I overdosed, but what it did was space me out and apparently I was just a zombie.  Awake, but I don’t remember anything.  Mom told me about things I did, that I would normally not do.  I was definitely spaced out.  That is when I decided that I am going to get off the meds.  I have had enough of this nightmare.  I am relapsing more and more, and I think it has everything to do with the meds.  So a few weeks back, I started tapering the doses. I was on Escitalopram 20mg and Quetiapine 25mg.  Now I am on Escitalopram 15mg and Quetiapine 6.25mg (1/4 of a 25mg pill).  I am feeling much more emotionally stable and all in all, happier.

Until this morning.  I am angry with life.  My mom’s father in law (who is not my granddad) passed away in the early hours of this morning.  He lost his battle with cancer.  It started in the bowels, then it went to his lungs and ended in his brain.  The last few months he has been struggling big time.  Unfair really, because he was such a gentle, caring man who wanted to live. 

Since I was a teenager, all I wanted to do is die.  Even now, I don’t want to live.  Yet I have health, but I can’t give it to the people who really want to live.  How unfair is that?  I was in rage this morning, crying so much that I had to come back home from work.  Drank myself to sleep and I am a bit calmer now.  But I still feel life is unfair.  How come people who are evil, have health?  How come criminals have health?  I know innocent people die every day, but for people like me, that don’t want to live, why can’t we pass our health to the people who deserve to live?

I suppose I needed to get this off my chest.  I know there are people out there that are worse off than me.  And I honestly feel bad, because I have health, a roof over my head, a good job, lovely pets and a family that cares about me, yet I feel miserable.  At least I am not suicidal.  I think tapering the meds is helping.  I will try and keep you all posted on how that comes along.

In the meantime, good night everyone.

So Close, yet so far....

I really thought I had it nailed.  I really thought I would win this battle.  It was not to be.  I stopped writing in this blog more than a year ago hoping that if I didn't read, write or hear about it, it would go away.  I made a conscious decision that I had to find a job, since I was at the brink of losing it all.  You see, I don’t know my  way around the benefits system in this country, so all I got out in over a year I was off work because of this illness was about £500.  My mortgage alone is that amount, let alone all the other bills I have to pay, and debts!!!!

So I started my journey looking for a job.  I must say, it took me only 6 weeks to find one.  I really wanted this one.  I had my eye on this company for years.  They have great benefits, shares, subsidized lunch and to top everything up, they pay well.  I started there July last year, and I was enjoying it.  I started to feel I had a purpose again.  Had a really great boss, who is kind and understanding, so it makes it easy to go the extra mile, which I did constantly without regret.  At times I could feel my chest almost bursting with happiness, something I hadn't felt for a long time.  I would still get home and feel the darkness and burden of depression, but at least, most of my day I was extremely busy and that kept me going for a long time.

February this year though, everything changed.  I should be used to that.  Nothing stays the same, everything is in constant change.  Due to bureaucracy (I think), our managers changed, and I had the bad luck to end up with the bully of the company.  Not long after, he had me in tears several times, made feel like I’m worth nothing.  Unfortunately, him being in a high position, it is not so easy to get these things sorted out.  I do wish I was strong enough to carry this all the way through, but as it is, I’m in a viscous circle “I don’t want to go to work, but if I don’t work I can’t pay the bills or my debts, and if I don’t pay them I will lose everything, so I might just as well kill myself”.  That is pretty much my thoughts every single day of my life.  The strange thing is, I feel almost calm about the idea of not being here anymore.

I know, I know.  I shouldn’t think like that.  There is much more to life than this horrible illness, but if you are anything like me, you find yourself feeling low and depressed more time that you don’t.  How is that fair?

Anyway, not everything has been that bad.  I applied for a job internally within another department of the company, and I have an interview tomorrow.  I suppose the good news is, if I do get the job, my boss will be my friend Marcela, who introduced me there in the first place.  I won’t need to call my boss a “bastard” or “asshole” again!  I don’t want to jinx it, so I am keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

What a rollercoaster it has been!

Since I last wrote in here, my illness has made me go up and down like a rollercoaster.  At one point I tried to commit suicide, but as you guessed, it was unsuccessful.  I just had enough that day.  I am worried about money, putting my family through misery because of my illness, and to top it all up my benefits stopped, so that day, I had enough.  It was early in the morning and one essential ingredient was missing: alcohol.

My dad was worried about me too, so he suggested that I go to a Chinese alternative medicine, which he paid for.  My mom also said she had had a very good experience with a Chiropractor who practices Neurolynk so I have been there too.  I read Citrine and Clear Quartz crystals have healing effects, so I am wearing them as necklace and bracelets. 

In this crazy journey with Depression I have put on 3 Stone (27kg) so of course none of my clothes fit, and that gets me down and it makes me eat chocolate cake and biscuits.  All in all, a very distressing / bruising / depressing few weeks.

But it might be the combination of all the treatments that I have had (and still not heard from the Community Mental Health Team!), I think I am starting to feel a bit more myself lately.  I am not feeling over the top, but I am not in the bottom either.  I have been able to go out for walks, clean the house, change the cat litter, clean the bird’s cage and wash the bathroom, that was a real mess.  I am even showering every day for the last week, which was something that would take all my energy in the past.

I would like to thank Med, who was kind enough to drop me a line and ask how I was.  I read you are having a tough time too.  The only thing I can say, eventually it does get better.

My only hope now is that I don’t have another relapse.  Life is hard as it is and to have this illness on top, is just not fair.

Getting fed up again :o(

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I still feel like I don’t belong in this world.  I get up in the morning, try to ignore this empty feeling and try to get on with my day.  Truth is, I don’t want to.  I don’t want to feel “alright” one day, and then awful the next.  Somehow knowing that it will always be like that, makes it even worse.  It might be an issue of acceptance.  I don’t accept I have an illness that will render me insane most of the time.

I started working when I was 17 years old.  Never missed a day of work because I was feeling “down”.  There was no option.  I had to do it, just like now.  But it is different now.  I know I HAVE to do it, but I just can’t.  Unlike before, this is killing me inside and I can’t find a way to battle it.  I am taking 2 lots of drugs, and still don’t feel the benefit.  Can’t hold a job, can’t hold a relationship.  I feel I am draining my family so I stopped telling them how I feel.  I just wish no one had brought me back 3 years ago.

Suicide is something I think about every day.  I even dream I commit suicide.  I just want the emptiness to stop.  I want to be “normal” again.  Had CBT, Counselling, Drugs, talking, walking, crying, sleeping, but nothing works.

I just hope the days to come are better.  I am honestly loosing the will to keep going.  I hope you guys are doing better.