So tired....

Well, it has now been almost a week since that awful day when I decided to end it all.  Good news is that I finally started sorting out my will.  I have been trying to do it for a long time, but never really got around to do it.  Having said that, I have found it more than difficult to get up and going this time, than the last time I had such a down day.  It seems that when I am almost convinced that I am starting to get better, the very next day I have a very down day.  It seems to match the intensity as well, since last Wednesday I felt like I was on top of the world, and Thursday I wanted to end it all.

The doctor has seen me again and has again changed my drugs.  It seems these are quicker to take effect, which honestly, is what I need.  I am not expecting a miracle, but just to feel a bit more comfortable with myself.  Yesterday I was just sat here and remembered that I had stopped smoking 15 years ago with the help of hypnosis, and wondered why this method is not used to help with the worse cases out there.  I do understand that hypnosis is a temporary measure only, but I am sure it can help people like us to get through the most terrible moments.  I went to the website of Kenneth Grossman, who was the one who helped me and many others to stop smoking, and although it is not listed in these programs, I did email him and it turns out that he does have a CD program called Hypnosis for Depression - Living with Joy, Hope and Optimism.  I am seriously thinking of giving this a try.  After all, if it doesn’t do good, it won’t do bad either.

On another note, I have a problem with the “men” in my life.  Graham is an important part of my life, but we are cursed, in the sense that we cannot be together.  He has guilt issues, and is not willing to do what it takes to get what he wants.  Basically, he was the cause of my first suicide attempt.  We had lived together for 9,5 months, which to be honest, were the worst of my life, but I still feel I love him. When he left me, I knew it was for the best, but I was just not used to living on my own, and I found the walls of my prison were falling on top of me.  I could not handle the immense sense of sadness I was facing, and confused and very, very drunk, I decided it would be a good idea to end everything.  And that was the day, 9^th May 2009.  Although time has passed, he is still an important part of my life today.  I know we should have left well enough alone, but neither of us wants to go through the suffering of separating. I do find that when he annoys me, or doesn’t keep his word (which is very, very often), I tend to get worse with my depression.  I am trying hard for this not to affect me anymore, but I am finding it difficult.

On the other hand, there is someone else, that although I have only seen him once, we have spoken quite a lot on Facebook and the day I met him, we sat and had a coffee together.  He has such a big heart, that I think I fell in love straight away with him.  I am a sucker for men with big heart, and as usual, he has had crap women around him, just wanting his money and that is it.  I was very scared to share my depression problem with him, but it turns out that he has been really good, and it turns out that he is having some issues of his own as well.  He went on holiday about 2 weeks ago, and came back on Monday, and we were supposed to talk about meeting this coming weekend, but he has not been in touch.  Unfortunately, that is getting me a bit sad, since I was very much looking forward to seeing him, but I really don’t want to push.

Anyway, it has been a hard few days forcing myself to get out of bed and doing things, although tiny, they have shown to be a victory in my state of mind.

Not gone just yet....

I am still here.  With the thought in my head, but still here.  It has been an incredibly awful and obscure journey, one of which I cannot see the end soon enough.  Will it have an end?  Will this pain and suffering end?  Will I be able to see life in a different way?  To be completely honest, I believe the answer to all these questions is NO.  I know you have all said that death is final and everything, but on the other hand, what else can I do?

It has been more than 6 months now where I am getting worse and worse.  One day I feel like I am getting better, and then..... BANG comes the darkness again.  This is the worst I have been in the whole 6 months, and I can’t see it getting any better.  In my responsible head, I need to make arrangements, because I would not like my family to pick up huge debts because of me.  I at least owe them that.

Thank you Kindred Spirit, thank you Lost Girl and thank you Jen Daisybee.  For a long time felt that no one even cared I was blogging!  A big THANK YOU for you guys! x

Good bye...

This might be my last blog.  I have found that living with this illness is not a good thing for me.  It is more the time that I am sad and struggling than what I am alright.  I am tired.  I can’t keep doing this.  I have asked God to take me so many times, but he seems not to listen to me anymore.  If they had let me die 3 years ago, everybody would have been over my death by now and would be living their lives as if nothing had happened.  My family still suffers with my depression and they don’t know how to help me, making it so distressing for them.

I am tired, very tired.  I am looking for a lawyer to help me do a Power of Attorney.  I will leave my mother in charge of all my financial affairs.  The thing I fear the most is that I will leave them with debts, so if I do that, then she will have the power to sell my flat and pay for any other debts I may have, which thank goodness are not much.

As to everybody else out there.... I am sorry I could not keep up and live.  I just don’t find this to be a reasonable way of living.  It has been far too long since I’ve been struggling and I can’t keep doing it any more.  Please, don’t follow my steps, and continue in your efforts to survive.  I know I did, but I lost the battle.

I do I control stress???

I am worried sick!  I have been off work now for almost 2 weeks, and to be honest, I don’t think I can face going back to work.  I have an appointment with my doctor and I have a feeling that he is going to sign me off again.  My boss just told me that he “needs to talk to me”, and I have no idea what it is all about.

I have never been the kind of person that gets signed off work and I have always been known to be very responsible, but this time, I am feeling so guilty, and that is making my depression even worse.  I try not to think about it, but I just can’t help it.  The thought that I might not be able to go back to work is worrying me sick and I just don’t know what to do.  I have a mortgage and bills to pay and I live on my own.  My family is not in the financial position to help me, so that leaves just me to take care of things.  I can’t keep going like this and I need to do something, but I am at loss as to what.

I just wish I didn’t have all this pressure since it is driving me insane.  I don’t know what to do and I am losing the will to live in the process.

The other night I was thinking, what about I could fall in a coma, and be completely out of it for a few months, and then, when I wake up, my brain has been “reset” and I am all back to normal.  I suppose I have still not accepted that I have a mental illness, and I must confess I am having trouble coming to terms with it.  I just want to be my old self, the one who would get up in the morning, go to work, do what she had to do and keep going with her life.  I don’t like having the insight of “reality”, if there is any.

I suppose I just have to wait to see what it is that my boss wants to tell me.... Wish me luck :o(

Depression sucks!

Well, I am really not sure what is happening to me.  Been to therapy, doubled the dose of my antidepressants but yet I feel I am getting worse rather than better.  I have spoken to my doctor and she said to wait at least 10 days for the drugs to take effect, but sometimes I just feel I’m going nowhere with this.  I have been off work now for about a week, but still find it hard to get out of bed.  I only had 1 “OK” day last week, when I felt there was hope, but after that, it has just gone downhill.  Don’t take me wrong, I am trying my best of getting out there and doing things.  Yesterday I went to the local zoo and felt really connected with Mother Nature.  I toy a lot about getting a dog.  I feel that perhaps it will help me get out of this hole I am in, but I am not sure I should be allowed one.

I have been trying to pinpoint the route of my low self-esteem and lack of interest in life.  I think it goes all the way back to 2006 when I found out my husband was cheating on me.  It really affected the way I felt about myself and since then, I feel that I am not worth anything.  I know it is stupid to think like that, and that I have accomplished a lot since then, but I still feel that I am not worth the effort.  It didn’t really help when I lived with someone else after that, and he too left me.  Different reasons, but all together I feel I am not worth enough to make big changes in someone’s life.

Anyway, the point is that today is another one of those days when I wish I was dead.  I haven’t thought about suicide since 2 years ago, but it came to my mind again on Friday.  I was scared and worried.  I am worrying a lot about things lately, but I don’t know how to stop myself.  I have therapy today, so let’s see how that goes....