It doesn’t
matter how hard I try, I still feel like I don’t belong in this world. I get up in the morning, try to ignore this
empty feeling and try to get on with my day.
Truth is, I don’t want to. I don’t
want to feel “alright” one day, and then awful the next. Somehow knowing that it will always be like
that, makes it even worse. It might be
an issue of acceptance. I don’t accept I
have an illness that will render me insane most of the time.
I started
working when I was 17 years old. Never
missed a day of work because I was feeling “down”. There was no option. I had to do it, just like now. But it is different now. I know I HAVE to do it, but I just can’t. Unlike before, this is killing me inside and I
can’t find a way to battle it. I am
taking 2 lots of drugs, and still don’t feel the benefit. Can’t hold a job, can’t hold a
relationship. I feel I am draining my
family so I stopped telling them how I feel.
I just wish no one had brought me back 3 years ago.
Suicide is
something I think about every day. I
even dream I commit suicide. I just want
the emptiness to stop. I want to be “normal”
again. Had CBT, Counselling, Drugs,
talking, walking, crying, sleeping, but nothing works.
I just hope
the days to come are better. I am
honestly loosing the will to keep going.
I hope you guys are doing better.
