CBT

I have felt really down in the last few days, especially yesterday.  I was really, really feeling sorry for myself and I think it is the worst I have felt for a while.  Something is playing up in my mind and I really don’t know what it is, but I have been to CBT therapy today, and she might have just given me a clue as to what to do to identify it.

One of the things I do a lot is over-think and over-analyse things.  The worst part is, when I start feeling down I ask myself “why” am I feeling this way?  What is causing this feeling?  Then I start thinking I am not worthy and I shouldn’t be alive.  The exercise she has given me is to write down what has happened, and then the intensity of my mood (0-100%) and what were my thoughts after that.  I did that a couple of weeks ago, but this time she wants me to add a few more columns, such as what is it that supports my thoughts and what is it against it.  Then reformulate the thought itself, so in theory, the mood intensity should be better.  I kind of did it in my head and I can see it can really work, so can’t wait to put it in practice.

On the other hand, I still have the issue of loneliness, but then again I can’t really do anything about that.  Talk about getting the support of your family!!!  My mom, sister and I usually email each other every day to see how things are going.  But this morning I was not particularly in the mood of talking so didn’t reply to any of their emails, only when my mom asked where was I.  I replied back and said how I felt, and haven’t heard from them for over 5 hours now!  Usually its emails coming and going all day long, but as soon as I expressed my feelings, they didn’t come back.  Why do I bother?  I should really just pretend everything is alright and leave it at that!

Loneliness

I have been feeling pretty much crap in the last few weeks.  Just when I thought I was starting to feel better, I start crying again.  As it happens, I have started new therapy called CBT, or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.  Basically, it gives you tools to think differently about things and change how you react to them.  It is very easy said, but doing it is something else.

One of the things I have been feeling lately is very lonely.  I have been reading lots of blogs about people who are going through the same thing I am, and I could say that probably, around 90% of them are single.  Does this mean that we are condemned to loneliness just because we have a mental health problem?

I recently met someone who, in my view, suffers from depression as well, but is one of the people who have not been “diagnosed”, and has chosen to live his life miserable most of the time.  We started talking, but after a while I realised that I need someone who can understand my illness, and he was definitely not the one.

I have thought several times that perhaps my destiny is to live my life on my own.  I don’t think anyone would want to have to live my down moments!  I spoke to my best friend this morning, and he has been very close to me for the last few years, and even he said that he wanted to smack me to snap me out of it!!!  He still does not understand that it is not a question of “snapping out of it”, but finding the best way to cope with things.

I probably think too much, and one of the thoughts I have had in the last few days, is that I am not worthy to anyone, and I should stop thinking about probably, or perhaps one day, I could make a relationship work.

I actually woke up this morning, and wished I was dead….