How do you know when it is right?

I am not sure what is happening to me.  I am supposed to be moving forward with my life, but yet, I feel like I am stuck in one place without going either forward or backwards.  I had quite big events happening over the weekend, to which I was extremely overwhelmed.  It was confirmed to me that although I love this man with all my heart, there is no chance for us to be together and that broke my heart.  On the other hand, I was able to close that chapter of my life and allow someone else to get close to me.  I am still quite apprehensive about it, but I also know that I HAVE to move forward with my life.  It is only early days, so will have to wait and see how it goes.

On different subject, I think I need to review my medication.  I have now been taking it for almost 5 weeks and I cannot feel it has made a huge difference in me.  I often still cry and am down most of the time, so I have today called my doctor to review it.  I have an appointment for Friday, so hopefully I will be able to get that bit of my life sorted out.

I first started taking antidepressants when my ex-husband was diagnosed with Testis cancer, 6 years ago.  It was quite a traumatic event and it was found so suddenly that I was unable to cope with all that was going on.  I only took it for about 6 months, when he was back to “normal” after his operation.  Although I had been living with my husband for 5 years already, I never felt “happy” and I was just plodding on.  When we moved countries, it was quite difficult for him to adjust and often we would have arguments.  He is the kind of person who will moan all his life about something, but actually won’t do anything to change it.  He kept moaning about how much he hates his job and after 2 years of constant moaning I started telling him that they would not come to knock on the door offering a job, that he needed to go out there and change his circumstances.  But in his eyes, that was a sign that I was not supportive towards him, so he found himself “someone else” to help him cope with his situation.  I found out he was cheating on me in June 2006 and finally left him in February 2008.  I was on antidepressants then again, but this time for a longer period of time, which is why I think it took so long for me to make the final decision.  I don’t know about you, but I feel that when I am taking antidepressants I am not capable of making good decisions, and I think this one was one of those.

This is getting quite long, so I perhaps will tell you the story of when I started taking antidepressants again about 3 years ago, but I will do that another time.

Not having a good day...

Today, is another one of those days when I think "what the hell am I doing here".  Yesterday was quite busy at work being on my own dealing with people's tragedies.  I was really stressed and a headache started late that day and I still have it now.  I know for a fact that when I have a headache I get quite down.  This morning, in my way to work, I was thinking all sorts of things.  One of them is that I am healthy and still think of death as a solution to my problems, but yet other people that have their days counted, wish so much they could live longer.  Life is not always fair, and I do sometimes wish I could pass my health to someone else.

I often feel ungrateful too.  I have a lovely house, two beautiful cats and have no worrying debts, although I am on my own and sometimes loneliness takes over.  I think of those people who don't have anything, and yet have such a thirst for life!  It makes me feel guilty for wanting to die, and it makes me feel even worse.  It is a vicious circle that is very hard to come out of.

I sometimes blame my depression on lonelyness, but then remember that even when I was married I was depressed, although not diagnosed.  I also thought that living with the person I love the most would sort me out, but it turned out he didn't understand me and things got even worse.  I have been on my own now for almost 2 years and I have learned to live with myself and I am quite content now.  I remember when he had just left me I dreaded coming back home to an empty house.  Weekends were the worst and each time the weekend was getting closer, I would have panick attacks, just thinking I was going to be on my own.  These days I enjoy my own company and even sometimes, when I have people around, I wish I was there on my own.  But even that has proven to be a problem, because as soon as I get home I would sit on the sofa and do nothing, just watching tv, which caused me to have more migraines and suffer with back pains.

I even thought about getting a dog at one point to force me to go out every day, but then again, it would have not been fair on the dog or the cats for that matter.  Instead, I took a MLM business and now I go out every night either dropping or collecting catalogues.  Since then, I have been feeling much better and the headaches have stopped, and the back pains disappeared, so definitely the fresh air has helped.  Unfortunately, depression hit me quite hard in December and stopped doing that, and I am now paying the consequences.  I am starting to get into the habit slowly again so I can get things into perspective again.

Today is a dark day

Today is one of those days where I don't want to do anything.  I got up this morning, and just the thought that I have to go to work is depressing me.  My two cats, as always were there to give me cuddles and say good morning.  I tell you, Tigre gives the most amazing hugs, although when he gets to happy he tends to bite out of excitement!  I have a scar in my lip to prove it!
I have been looking for an alternative to a box standard job for a long time now, and although I think I found it, I am not too sure I have what it takes to see it through.  The truth is, I don't like my job, it depresses me but it is proving quite hard to find another one out there, but I also think that I don't want to be an "employee" for the rest of my life, so it confuses me as to what it is that I want.  I suppose the reason why I feel this way is because last night I should have taken "action", and I just let my laziness take over and didn't do what I was supposed to do.  I blamed the rain, but I know deep in my heart that they are only excuses.  Oh God, what do I do?

Where do I start

Hi! My name is Linda and I live in the UK.  I started this blog because after reading some other people's story here it seem that it helps them somehow to cope better with depression.  I have been keeping my own journal for at least 3 years now and although sometimes it has helped me realise how bad I was back then, I also understand that there were times that I was better too.
I grew up in Venezuela and lived there 25 years, so although my passports says Portuguese, I feel more Venezuelan than I do Portuguese.  We came to England to try and have a better life, without crime and politically more stable, but there is something that this country does not have, and it is human warmth.  I find it so difficult to make friends here.  I've been here for 8 years now and I really don't have anyone I can call friend, except one person, but it happens to be that I love him as well, and being an impossible relationship, that has left me with nothing.
Where do I start?  I was married (or still am) but separated for over 3 years now.  Quite a traumatic breakup, but in reality, my marriage didn't work, but I was just living life as I didn't know any better.  I then found out that he was cheating on me, which was one of the most traumatic things I have ever gone through, and not because there was love, but because no one ever thought he would do something like that. 
I have since met someone else, but unfortunately the relationship didn't work, although love was not an issue.  I am on my own now, just with my two cats, who have proven to be life saving when I get really, really down.
I don't really know where to start or even where to finish, but I am sure more will come....