Why is sadness so loud!

There it is again.  That feeling of sadness and that nothing I do is going to get rid of it.  The last week I have been trying to get closer to my family by inviting them for dinner on Wednesday night and then for a BBQ last Monday, since it was bank holiday here in England.  Both times, after they left, I felt extremely sad and the day after even more so.  I would just like to know what it all means!

And it is not like I go to bed sad, or with negative thoughts.  Like last night, I was thinking of all the “productive” things I was going to get done today.  I woke up and all I want to do is keep on sleeping, but I have not been sleeping alright.  For the last couple of weeks my sleep has been so bad, that I just fear going to bed at night.  It is driving me insane.

I just wish there was a more speedy way to get out of this state.  I am scared, anxious, preoccupied, and nervous about having to claim benefits.  I have never needed anyone to help me out financially before.  Since I was 17 I have worked my way through and never needed anyone.  Now, that I am 37 I find myself on the bridge of desperation because of this horrible illness.  It is moments like these that I just wish I was dead.

How much longer? :’(

Overwhelmed!

I am actually very overwhelmed by the amount of comments I received in my last post.  I can honestly tell you that I was convinced no one was even interested in what I had to say.  For several days I waited, and waited and no one said anything and that gave me a clue that perhaps it was true what I was thinking.

Thank you to everyone who responded.  The time for my “plan” to end it all is not here yet, so I still have some time to keep thinking about things.  I had a conversation with my mother and explained what I had posted.  She understood but she still feels that if I actually commit suicide, they will still feel guilty since they did not do enough for me.  I explained that they have, but it is just me, my brain, the way I was raised, the country I was raised in.

I am starting the painful process of claiming benefits, for which I may add, I feel very bad about.  I should be able to provide for myself, and this alone is a very strong metal thing I am currently fighting.

Thank you guys.  I will keep you posted on what is happening with me!

I now know what to do!

It has been a tough couple of weeks.  Finding out that my sick pay from the company I work for is stopping, not knowing what is going to happen with me financially, it has been an anxiety rollercoaster for me these last days.

But the good thing, is that it has given me some kind of clarity as of what I need to do next.  Four years ago, after my “almost successful” suicide attempt, I made plans to end my life in a way that, in my view, would be kind of a less painful way for my family and loved ones.  I was going to counselling at the time and they were extremely concerned about me.  I changed my mind in the last minute and tried to start thinking positively about my future, reading inspiring books, listening to successful people who accomplished their dreams and even tried to set goals for myself.  It all worked out to be absolute trash when I hit rock bottom in October last year, and consequently it led me to be off work from March this year and not been able to go back.

Where I come from, this is a very sad place to be, and it is condemned by society.  People with mental illness is nonexistent, part of a different set of people.... LOSERS!  I grew up around the people who condemned and criticised these people and now I have become one of the losers myself, making me part of this non wanted kind of human beings that unfortunately exist.

I understand that I am no longer in Venezuela, in the latin environment, but I grew up with this kind of view, and in my mind, this is completely unacceptable.  I CANNOT be a burden for my family and my loved ones, and I have put together a plan to make everything easier for everyone.

The other day, I was sat in the balcony of my flat just contemplating the trees, the road, the flowers.  One thing I love is spring.  It is a sign of a new beginning, everything blossoming and showing a new life.  Suddenly I thought “I will not see a spring again” and tears came to my eyes, but this is the best thing for everyone.

One of my objectives is to speak to each and every one of my loved ones and explain that they are not the cause of my current situation.  A set of wrong, seemingly insignificant decisions I took in the course of my life led me to suffer this cruel and unforgiving illness.  I have tried everything: counselling; CBT; drugs; positive thinking; inspirational audios, but nothing seems to change the way I feel inside me.  Some people write, and even ascertain that we have the power to change our circumstances, but what about people like us, people with mental illness that are unable to control their circumstances.  God knows that I have an intense desire to change the way I feel, but have tried unsuccessfully for the last year and now I am just giving up.

I have now started to sort things out and sell all the things that are sellable in my house.  I want to look for a good home for my cats, Tigre and Mota.  I know they are old now and it is hard for them to get along with any other cats, and my mom’s husband would not like them with them, so I will place an ad to start looking for someone to look after them for the rest of their lives.  I know Sparky will have no problem, since he gets along pretty well with Ruby, my mom’s cat and they will not mind having him.

I think there is nothing else that I can do.  I have tried it all, and even if I feel a little bit better, I will be always faced with the fact that sooner or later I will have a relapse, and I don’t want anybody to go through that.  I have done my best, and I am happy with that.

I am still here :o(

It has been a hard few weeks for me.  After having some serious anxiety attacks the Community Mental Health team decided it was best if I stopped taking the Venlafaxine altogether, only after 6 days taking it.  I must say, the aftermath was even worse.  I was having at least 2-3 anxiety attacks a day, not to mention I was constipated, could not urinate, and was very confused and incoherent.  After the worst was gone, my mother said she was really worried about my sanity, since I was having very strange and disturbed thoughts.

I am only on Cipralex 10mg now until I see the psychiatrist on Monday.  I have had a bit more energy than I had before Venlafaxine, but still feel very sad.  I am also extremely worried about going back to work.  The truth is, I don’t want to go back, but I don’t think I have any other options.  I have a mortgage and bills to pay.  Thankfully I am not in much debt, but still have to pay what I owe.  It worries me to death and I think the anxiety attacks I had were accentuated by those thoughts.  I know that there are people that would help me, but again, I really don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

On the other hand, I want to thank Jojesek for her kind reply.  I was convinced no one was interested in what I had to say and was starting to feel extremely rejected by everyone.   Jojesek, thank you so much for reading my blog and answering, it meant a lot to me.  I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time, but all I can say is hang on in there!