The mask....

Hi! I know it has been a while since I have been on the blog, or have read anyone’s for that matter.  The main reason is because I am fighting with all my strength to get out of the hole I am in at the moment.  Medication is clearly not working and I have to yet wait for an appointment with the Community Mental Health people so something can be done about it.

In the meantime, I have put my mask on so I don’t get questions and people asking if I am alright, because I feel guilty of telling them that I am not.... yet again!!!  I am unable to work, I am unable to sustain a relationship, the only person I talk to on a regular basis is my mom an Graham, but I finally decided that I will not tell him anything about my condition again.  A couple of weeks back, I broke down again, and went to the length of writing a “good bye” letter to my mom and sister, but on trying to write something to him, nothing came out.  It turns out that when I told him what had happened, he just told me off and questioned why was I being so selfish?  I mean, it’s not like I am doing it on purpose, I just don’t feel the willingness of living.  I just don’t see the point.  I have nothing to live for.  The only reason I am still here is because I know I will cause immense pain to my mom and sister, but on the other hand, I am kind of in peace with myself about the fact that I would happily take my own life.

I see other people’s life, and there is not one person who can be of an example to me.  For instance, Graham, he has a family, a wife and 2 kids, growing up, but what is it that makes him cheat on his wife, if he is not willing to leave her?  Is every couple this way?  Is every marriage this way?  Is there truly a marriage that can be loving, affectionate and yet respectful of each other?  I know I have a failed marriage myself, and I keep wondering whether I should have married in the first place. 

What I am saying is, I don’t think there is any hope for me.  Who in their sane mind would put up with someone who suffers from depression and analyses every single thing that happens in the world?  I need all the help that I can get before I think that there is no help for me at all.  If something is not done soon, I will not live long to tell the story.  It has been a tough 7-8 months and I am still trying to get the best out of “life”.  Each time I try to set goals for myself, I always think “what for?”.  I feel pain, every day, deeply in my heart, and I want that to stop.  Sometimes it becomes unbearable.  Sometimes it becomes dark.  Sometimes I just don’t want to carry on.

Scared, tired and sad....

It has been a while since I have been here, and to be honest, I am not quite sure how I have been feeling.  It has been a true rollercoaster of emotions for me.  I feel sad, lonely, scared, terrified and yet, I am still here.  To be completely honest with you, it has not passed 1 day that I have thought about death as my way out, but for some reason, I am still here.

Sometimes the feeling is very overwhelming, sometimes it isn’t, but I just wish it never was.  I remember the days when I could live my life without feeling sad, although having said that, my first suicide attempt was when I was 15.  I have never been one to cut myself.  I am an overdose person.  I like the idea of going to sleep and not waking up again, and that is it.  Unlike some of you, I don’t have scars to show.  I have a friend who has scars all over her body.  She would write things in her stomach with knifes, so the scar would stay forever there to remind her.  When one of her dear friends died, she cut a cross sign in her upper arm, also to remind her of it.  Only once I was pushed to the edge and almost cut my wrists.  Although I did have blood, it was not deep enough to leave a scar.

I think my scars are more emotional than physical.  I keep telling myself that I am not worthy of anything.  My ex-husband used me.  The man I love with all my heart will not do what needs to be done for us to be together.  Someone else I met, that could potentially help me get out of this dilemma is not interested in me.  All in all, people say how pretty I am, but the truth is, I am not worth it.  Sometimes I am happy with that.  Sometimes I am not.  I know in the bottom of my heart that my cats are happy living with me, but sometimes I doubt myself.

When I was little, my dad used to come home drunk every single night.  We had a little dog called Blondy.  She was a beautiful Pekinese, but a little dumb is you ask me!  My dad would do horrible things to her, so of course, each time she heard his car coming, she would hide, just like the rest of us.  He is not cruel to animals, but would do silly things to her.  Sometimes, when I am drinking, I am very aware as to how I treat my cats.  I would hate it if they went to hide as soon as they saw me with a glass in my hand.  Thankfully, they are always all over me, so I suppose it is a good sign that I am not cruel to them when I drink.

I feel sad, I feel helpless and I feel hopeless.  I try to see a future, but I can’t see my life without this illness.  It has been far too long since I have been feeling this way, and I just can’t help but ask whether it will go away.

So tired....

Well, it has now been almost a week since that awful day when I decided to end it all.  Good news is that I finally started sorting out my will.  I have been trying to do it for a long time, but never really got around to do it.  Having said that, I have found it more than difficult to get up and going this time, than the last time I had such a down day.  It seems that when I am almost convinced that I am starting to get better, the very next day I have a very down day.  It seems to match the intensity as well, since last Wednesday I felt like I was on top of the world, and Thursday I wanted to end it all.

The doctor has seen me again and has again changed my drugs.  It seems these are quicker to take effect, which honestly, is what I need.  I am not expecting a miracle, but just to feel a bit more comfortable with myself.  Yesterday I was just sat here and remembered that I had stopped smoking 15 years ago with the help of hypnosis, and wondered why this method is not used to help with the worse cases out there.  I do understand that hypnosis is a temporary measure only, but I am sure it can help people like us to get through the most terrible moments.  I went to the website of Kenneth Grossman, who was the one who helped me and many others to stop smoking, and although it is not listed in these programs, I did email him and it turns out that he does have a CD program called Hypnosis for Depression - Living with Joy, Hope and Optimism.  I am seriously thinking of giving this a try.  After all, if it doesn’t do good, it won’t do bad either.

On another note, I have a problem with the “men” in my life.  Graham is an important part of my life, but we are cursed, in the sense that we cannot be together.  He has guilt issues, and is not willing to do what it takes to get what he wants.  Basically, he was the cause of my first suicide attempt.  We had lived together for 9,5 months, which to be honest, were the worst of my life, but I still feel I love him. When he left me, I knew it was for the best, but I was just not used to living on my own, and I found the walls of my prison were falling on top of me.  I could not handle the immense sense of sadness I was facing, and confused and very, very drunk, I decided it would be a good idea to end everything.  And that was the day, 9^th May 2009.  Although time has passed, he is still an important part of my life today.  I know we should have left well enough alone, but neither of us wants to go through the suffering of separating. I do find that when he annoys me, or doesn’t keep his word (which is very, very often), I tend to get worse with my depression.  I am trying hard for this not to affect me anymore, but I am finding it difficult.

On the other hand, there is someone else, that although I have only seen him once, we have spoken quite a lot on Facebook and the day I met him, we sat and had a coffee together.  He has such a big heart, that I think I fell in love straight away with him.  I am a sucker for men with big heart, and as usual, he has had crap women around him, just wanting his money and that is it.  I was very scared to share my depression problem with him, but it turns out that he has been really good, and it turns out that he is having some issues of his own as well.  He went on holiday about 2 weeks ago, and came back on Monday, and we were supposed to talk about meeting this coming weekend, but he has not been in touch.  Unfortunately, that is getting me a bit sad, since I was very much looking forward to seeing him, but I really don’t want to push.

Anyway, it has been a hard few days forcing myself to get out of bed and doing things, although tiny, they have shown to be a victory in my state of mind.

Not gone just yet....

I am still here.  With the thought in my head, but still here.  It has been an incredibly awful and obscure journey, one of which I cannot see the end soon enough.  Will it have an end?  Will this pain and suffering end?  Will I be able to see life in a different way?  To be completely honest, I believe the answer to all these questions is NO.  I know you have all said that death is final and everything, but on the other hand, what else can I do?

It has been more than 6 months now where I am getting worse and worse.  One day I feel like I am getting better, and then..... BANG comes the darkness again.  This is the worst I have been in the whole 6 months, and I can’t see it getting any better.  In my responsible head, I need to make arrangements, because I would not like my family to pick up huge debts because of me.  I at least owe them that.

Thank you Kindred Spirit, thank you Lost Girl and thank you Jen Daisybee.  For a long time felt that no one even cared I was blogging!  A big THANK YOU for you guys! x

Good bye...

This might be my last blog.  I have found that living with this illness is not a good thing for me.  It is more the time that I am sad and struggling than what I am alright.  I am tired.  I can’t keep doing this.  I have asked God to take me so many times, but he seems not to listen to me anymore.  If they had let me die 3 years ago, everybody would have been over my death by now and would be living their lives as if nothing had happened.  My family still suffers with my depression and they don’t know how to help me, making it so distressing for them.

I am tired, very tired.  I am looking for a lawyer to help me do a Power of Attorney.  I will leave my mother in charge of all my financial affairs.  The thing I fear the most is that I will leave them with debts, so if I do that, then she will have the power to sell my flat and pay for any other debts I may have, which thank goodness are not much.

As to everybody else out there.... I am sorry I could not keep up and live.  I just don’t find this to be a reasonable way of living.  It has been far too long since I’ve been struggling and I can’t keep doing it any more.  Please, don’t follow my steps, and continue in your efforts to survive.  I know I did, but I lost the battle.

I do I control stress???

I am worried sick!  I have been off work now for almost 2 weeks, and to be honest, I don’t think I can face going back to work.  I have an appointment with my doctor and I have a feeling that he is going to sign me off again.  My boss just told me that he “needs to talk to me”, and I have no idea what it is all about.

I have never been the kind of person that gets signed off work and I have always been known to be very responsible, but this time, I am feeling so guilty, and that is making my depression even worse.  I try not to think about it, but I just can’t help it.  The thought that I might not be able to go back to work is worrying me sick and I just don’t know what to do.  I have a mortgage and bills to pay and I live on my own.  My family is not in the financial position to help me, so that leaves just me to take care of things.  I can’t keep going like this and I need to do something, but I am at loss as to what.

I just wish I didn’t have all this pressure since it is driving me insane.  I don’t know what to do and I am losing the will to live in the process.

The other night I was thinking, what about I could fall in a coma, and be completely out of it for a few months, and then, when I wake up, my brain has been “reset” and I am all back to normal.  I suppose I have still not accepted that I have a mental illness, and I must confess I am having trouble coming to terms with it.  I just want to be my old self, the one who would get up in the morning, go to work, do what she had to do and keep going with her life.  I don’t like having the insight of “reality”, if there is any.

I suppose I just have to wait to see what it is that my boss wants to tell me.... Wish me luck :o(

Depression sucks!

Well, I am really not sure what is happening to me.  Been to therapy, doubled the dose of my antidepressants but yet I feel I am getting worse rather than better.  I have spoken to my doctor and she said to wait at least 10 days for the drugs to take effect, but sometimes I just feel I’m going nowhere with this.  I have been off work now for about a week, but still find it hard to get out of bed.  I only had 1 “OK” day last week, when I felt there was hope, but after that, it has just gone downhill.  Don’t take me wrong, I am trying my best of getting out there and doing things.  Yesterday I went to the local zoo and felt really connected with Mother Nature.  I toy a lot about getting a dog.  I feel that perhaps it will help me get out of this hole I am in, but I am not sure I should be allowed one.

I have been trying to pinpoint the route of my low self-esteem and lack of interest in life.  I think it goes all the way back to 2006 when I found out my husband was cheating on me.  It really affected the way I felt about myself and since then, I feel that I am not worth anything.  I know it is stupid to think like that, and that I have accomplished a lot since then, but I still feel that I am not worth the effort.  It didn’t really help when I lived with someone else after that, and he too left me.  Different reasons, but all together I feel I am not worth enough to make big changes in someone’s life.

Anyway, the point is that today is another one of those days when I wish I was dead.  I haven’t thought about suicide since 2 years ago, but it came to my mind again on Friday.  I was scared and worried.  I am worrying a lot about things lately, but I don’t know how to stop myself.  I have therapy today, so let’s see how that goes....