What has happened to me? What did I do?

Right, all of you know how rough the last few weeks have been for me.  I seriously started making “plans” and was “preparing” my family and friends.  I spoke to the Community Mental Health Team and advised of my plans and they said they would call me every day to see how I was doing.  Till today, I have heard nothing from them.

Then, all of the sudden, things changed.  A year ago I started a Network Marketing business, since I believe in the concept and have seen it works.  On Saturday 3 September was the Christmas Showcase (I know! Christmas in September!!!).  I must say, it was absolutely amazing.  The positive vibe, the laughter, the dreams flowing in a place full with over 3,000 people was just amazing.  Lots of speakers within the business and the guest speaker was Darren Hardy, who I absolutely admire for all the concepts and philosophies he teaches.  This particular company also promotes as an incentive a 5 Star holiday completely paid to different destinations around the world.  When I joined last year the destination to aim for was New York, but to be honest, it was not really inspiring for me.  Next year the destination is Miami! Now that is something to work hard and look forward to. 

They are lining up various events, including staying 5 Star hotel stay at Fontainebleau Hotel, in which most of the rooms have amazing views of the coast line.  They are also taking us to the American Airline Arena, where we will be watching all the action there and then meeting some of the Miami Heat players.  We will also be going to Bongos Cuban Cafe, which is owned by Gloria Estefan.  Now this really excites me, because of all the Latin background and music, which will bring me back home, in some sense.  We will also be going to the Everglades and visiting the Gator Park and not forget the Conference and Gala Dinner, packed with everything we need to grow our business.

I think this is what has happened to me and has made me so fired up and focused.  Yesterday my car broke down whilst I was dropping some catalogues and instead of going straight down with depression, sadness and desperation, I bounced right back and thought to myself “I will not let the Devil trick me into falling down again”.  I am determined to stay where I am, enthusiastic and focused in a goal.  This will also bring me a decent income and I will not longer need to claim benefits.  It also helps that as one of the criteria for my up-lines to qualify for Miami as well, they need to help one of their team reach a certain level in the pay plan, and they have decided to help me, which is really, really exciting.  On helping me, they are helping themselves, and that is what Network Marketing is all about.

So just wanted to report that I am feeling extremely excited about my future and really looking forward to going to Miami next year, which coincidently falls really close to my birthday, so I could also take the chance and celebrate whilst I am there!

I must say though, that ALL of you have helped me tremendously in realising that I am not on my own and that things DO get better.

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU!!!

Why is sadness so loud!

There it is again.  That feeling of sadness and that nothing I do is going to get rid of it.  The last week I have been trying to get closer to my family by inviting them for dinner on Wednesday night and then for a BBQ last Monday, since it was bank holiday here in England.  Both times, after they left, I felt extremely sad and the day after even more so.  I would just like to know what it all means!

And it is not like I go to bed sad, or with negative thoughts.  Like last night, I was thinking of all the “productive” things I was going to get done today.  I woke up and all I want to do is keep on sleeping, but I have not been sleeping alright.  For the last couple of weeks my sleep has been so bad, that I just fear going to bed at night.  It is driving me insane.

I just wish there was a more speedy way to get out of this state.  I am scared, anxious, preoccupied, and nervous about having to claim benefits.  I have never needed anyone to help me out financially before.  Since I was 17 I have worked my way through and never needed anyone.  Now, that I am 37 I find myself on the bridge of desperation because of this horrible illness.  It is moments like these that I just wish I was dead.

How much longer? :’(

Overwhelmed!

I am actually very overwhelmed by the amount of comments I received in my last post.  I can honestly tell you that I was convinced no one was even interested in what I had to say.  For several days I waited, and waited and no one said anything and that gave me a clue that perhaps it was true what I was thinking.

Thank you to everyone who responded.  The time for my “plan” to end it all is not here yet, so I still have some time to keep thinking about things.  I had a conversation with my mother and explained what I had posted.  She understood but she still feels that if I actually commit suicide, they will still feel guilty since they did not do enough for me.  I explained that they have, but it is just me, my brain, the way I was raised, the country I was raised in.

I am starting the painful process of claiming benefits, for which I may add, I feel very bad about.  I should be able to provide for myself, and this alone is a very strong metal thing I am currently fighting.

Thank you guys.  I will keep you posted on what is happening with me!

I now know what to do!

It has been a tough couple of weeks.  Finding out that my sick pay from the company I work for is stopping, not knowing what is going to happen with me financially, it has been an anxiety rollercoaster for me these last days.

But the good thing, is that it has given me some kind of clarity as of what I need to do next.  Four years ago, after my “almost successful” suicide attempt, I made plans to end my life in a way that, in my view, would be kind of a less painful way for my family and loved ones.  I was going to counselling at the time and they were extremely concerned about me.  I changed my mind in the last minute and tried to start thinking positively about my future, reading inspiring books, listening to successful people who accomplished their dreams and even tried to set goals for myself.  It all worked out to be absolute trash when I hit rock bottom in October last year, and consequently it led me to be off work from March this year and not been able to go back.

Where I come from, this is a very sad place to be, and it is condemned by society.  People with mental illness is nonexistent, part of a different set of people.... LOSERS!  I grew up around the people who condemned and criticised these people and now I have become one of the losers myself, making me part of this non wanted kind of human beings that unfortunately exist.

I understand that I am no longer in Venezuela, in the latin environment, but I grew up with this kind of view, and in my mind, this is completely unacceptable.  I CANNOT be a burden for my family and my loved ones, and I have put together a plan to make everything easier for everyone.

The other day, I was sat in the balcony of my flat just contemplating the trees, the road, the flowers.  One thing I love is spring.  It is a sign of a new beginning, everything blossoming and showing a new life.  Suddenly I thought “I will not see a spring again” and tears came to my eyes, but this is the best thing for everyone.

One of my objectives is to speak to each and every one of my loved ones and explain that they are not the cause of my current situation.  A set of wrong, seemingly insignificant decisions I took in the course of my life led me to suffer this cruel and unforgiving illness.  I have tried everything: counselling; CBT; drugs; positive thinking; inspirational audios, but nothing seems to change the way I feel inside me.  Some people write, and even ascertain that we have the power to change our circumstances, but what about people like us, people with mental illness that are unable to control their circumstances.  God knows that I have an intense desire to change the way I feel, but have tried unsuccessfully for the last year and now I am just giving up.

I have now started to sort things out and sell all the things that are sellable in my house.  I want to look for a good home for my cats, Tigre and Mota.  I know they are old now and it is hard for them to get along with any other cats, and my mom’s husband would not like them with them, so I will place an ad to start looking for someone to look after them for the rest of their lives.  I know Sparky will have no problem, since he gets along pretty well with Ruby, my mom’s cat and they will not mind having him.

I think there is nothing else that I can do.  I have tried it all, and even if I feel a little bit better, I will be always faced with the fact that sooner or later I will have a relapse, and I don’t want anybody to go through that.  I have done my best, and I am happy with that.

I am still here :o(

It has been a hard few weeks for me.  After having some serious anxiety attacks the Community Mental Health team decided it was best if I stopped taking the Venlafaxine altogether, only after 6 days taking it.  I must say, the aftermath was even worse.  I was having at least 2-3 anxiety attacks a day, not to mention I was constipated, could not urinate, and was very confused and incoherent.  After the worst was gone, my mother said she was really worried about my sanity, since I was having very strange and disturbed thoughts.

I am only on Cipralex 10mg now until I see the psychiatrist on Monday.  I have had a bit more energy than I had before Venlafaxine, but still feel very sad.  I am also extremely worried about going back to work.  The truth is, I don’t want to go back, but I don’t think I have any other options.  I have a mortgage and bills to pay.  Thankfully I am not in much debt, but still have to pay what I owe.  It worries me to death and I think the anxiety attacks I had were accentuated by those thoughts.  I know that there are people that would help me, but again, I really don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

On the other hand, I want to thank Jojesek for her kind reply.  I was convinced no one was interested in what I had to say and was starting to feel extremely rejected by everyone.   Jojesek, thank you so much for reading my blog and answering, it meant a lot to me.  I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time, but all I can say is hang on in there!

How much longer?

I’ve been thinking, and life sucks!  I’ve had a few weeks really crap, but even before that I have been having trouble getting energy to do anything.  I get up in the morning, try and get ready and as the day goes by, my energy levels go down, and down, to the point where I need to sleep, sometimes all afternoon.  And when 10:00pm arrives, again I am exhausted and my eyes close on their own, and when I think back as to what I have done all day, the answer is only one: NOTHING!

I don’t know where this lack of energy is coming from, I don’t know why I don’t feel like doing anything.  I went to my doctor and he feels that it is linked to my mood and he decided that Cipralex is not working for me anymore, so he has asked me to reduce the dose from 20mg down to 10mg and take Venlafaxine 75mg.  I still wish I was dead.  I don’t think it matters how many times they change my medication, the truth is I have wanted to be dead since I was a teenager.  Always have and I think I always will.  Sometimes more than others, but the fact remains the same.

The truth is I am petrified.  I don’t feel confident enough to go back to work, but I can’t keep going the way I am.  Very soon I am not going to be able to pay the bills and the least I want is to be a burden for my family.  I have shared this with my mom, but she insist that I am not a burden for her, that she will always be there for me, but the truth is that it should be me looking after her, not the other way around!

My head if full of ideas and thoughts, but unfortunately none of them are constructive.  It doesn’t matter how many “positive” books I read, how many “inspirational” CD’s I listen to, at the end of the day, I still feel the same.  I don’t want to, but I do.

Giving up

I have had a very rough week.  I was very upset after what happened with my friend Jackie, and I told her so on Saturday night.  I told her that I was worried sick and that she didn’t need to stay in the streets with all the dangers out there, that there are people that love her and care for her.  I was upset, and I only thought about what I was feeling, and I forgot that she was very vulnerable, and she just fell into a very deep depression.  I can’t help but feel responsible for this and I keep thinking that I don’t want to hurt people, but I keep doing it.

Since Tuesday, when I went to see her and she was completely gone in her mind, I keep thinking about all the people I have hurt.  My mother, who married my father and stayed with him for 30 horrible years of agony because of me; my sister, who feels that I have stolen her mother’s love; Felix, who’s heart I broke and lured him out of his safety family net; Graham, who left his family because of me and hurt them.

I just feel that I don’t deserve to live, or probably I do, just to pay for all the hurt and suffering that I have caused.  I pray every day for God to take my life.  I pray for a horrible disease to kill me as quick as possible.  I pray for my heart to stop without any input by me.  I don’t want to commit suicide because it will hurt my family too much, so instead, I pray every single day for something to happen to me, so my life can end without me having to do it.

I have been on medication for over 4 months now and I still feel the pain, the inconsolable helpless feeling inside my heart.  I have nothing to be proud of.  My cats are all I have and I care about them, but I just don’t want to live anymore.  I want the pain to go away, I want to lose my mind and not remember who I am and what I have done.  I always wanted to think of myself as a good person, but the truth is, I am not.  I am a parasite and I should be eliminated.