So Close, yet so far....

I really thought I had it nailed.  I really thought I would win this battle.  It was not to be.  I stopped writing in this blog more than a year ago hoping that if I didn't read, write or hear about it, it would go away.  I made a conscious decision that I had to find a job, since I was at the brink of losing it all.  You see, I don’t know my  way around the benefits system in this country, so all I got out in over a year I was off work because of this illness was about £500.  My mortgage alone is that amount, let alone all the other bills I have to pay, and debts!!!!

So I started my journey looking for a job.  I must say, it took me only 6 weeks to find one.  I really wanted this one.  I had my eye on this company for years.  They have great benefits, shares, subsidized lunch and to top everything up, they pay well.  I started there July last year, and I was enjoying it.  I started to feel I had a purpose again.  Had a really great boss, who is kind and understanding, so it makes it easy to go the extra mile, which I did constantly without regret.  At times I could feel my chest almost bursting with happiness, something I hadn't felt for a long time.  I would still get home and feel the darkness and burden of depression, but at least, most of my day I was extremely busy and that kept me going for a long time.

February this year though, everything changed.  I should be used to that.  Nothing stays the same, everything is in constant change.  Due to bureaucracy (I think), our managers changed, and I had the bad luck to end up with the bully of the company.  Not long after, he had me in tears several times, made feel like I’m worth nothing.  Unfortunately, him being in a high position, it is not so easy to get these things sorted out.  I do wish I was strong enough to carry this all the way through, but as it is, I’m in a viscous circle “I don’t want to go to work, but if I don’t work I can’t pay the bills or my debts, and if I don’t pay them I will lose everything, so I might just as well kill myself”.  That is pretty much my thoughts every single day of my life.  The strange thing is, I feel almost calm about the idea of not being here anymore.

I know, I know.  I shouldn’t think like that.  There is much more to life than this horrible illness, but if you are anything like me, you find yourself feeling low and depressed more time that you don’t.  How is that fair?

Anyway, not everything has been that bad.  I applied for a job internally within another department of the company, and I have an interview tomorrow.  I suppose the good news is, if I do get the job, my boss will be my friend Marcela, who introduced me there in the first place.  I won’t need to call my boss a “bastard” or “asshole” again!  I don’t want to jinx it, so I am keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Wish me luck!