Spoke too soon...

It seems that I spoke to quick.  The last couple of days I have not feeling my best.  It might be that my stomach is playing up.  Not surprised though, since I have been eating a pack (300grms) of Minstrels a day for the last few months!  I am addicted to the stuff, and I am sure it cannot be good for me.  I have now finished all that I had at home, so have the drink, so will try to keep both at bay.  My stomach is suffering, in turn causing me a headache, in turn making me feel rubbish.

I haven’t been to work, but mostly because I feel sick.  Any smells make me want to vomit, and I hate vomiting.  I slept most of the day yesterday, but in the evening, as it was to be expected, I was not tired, so kept up until midnight, drinking….  I know I shouldn’t, but I had an urge to do it, although I felt like I wanted to be sick.  I feel so disconnected from everything.  I just don’t want to be here.  I made a list of feelings yesterday, whilst I was eating:

DEPRESSION

DEATH

ILLNESS

PAIN

LOSS

LONELINESS

SUFFERING

SUICIDE

SADNESS

DESPAIR

OVERDOSE

DESINTEREST

I feel all this in one single day.  I just don’t have interest in anything.  Sometimes I think I don’t want to work, but then, what would I do all day?  Probably think of ways to kill myself.

I suppose there ARE some good news.  I received a letter from my GP.  They are helping researchers to find out more about treatments for depression and they would like me to participate.  The research is looking at how to help people who are suffering from depression and for whom anti-depressant medication alone doesn’t seem to help.  They want to compare Radically Open Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (shortened to RO-DBT) to standard treatment that can be currently be accessed through the system.  I will reply that I want to take part.  I want to be that girl who had goals, desires and things to look forward to, and I will try anything to get there.

Not sure when this will start, but I am very much looking forward to it.